Bubble and squeak

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A Wicked Wednesday post – the theme this week is bubbles! A few weeks ago, Anne O’Malley and I had a weekend away in the Scottish highlands at a very posh hotel. Purposely chosen for it’s location, it’s four poster … Continue reading

No one

A wicked Wednesday post : the theme this week is Identity

Identity

I’m a game of Thrones fan and to anyone else who is, well then you’ll know the relevance of this title. But just in case you don’t, in the current series of game of Thrones one of the characters, Arya Stark, has been training to be an assassin and spy in an organisation called the faceless men. She keeps being asked who she is, because to be able to be fully accepted into the organisation she has to be ‘no-one’, not Arya for instance, and able then to change her face as required to complete different assignations. For most of this series she thinks she wants this, as she feels misplaced from her home, and it’s a lot about whether she can truly be no one or not. I won’t tell you what happens as it would give spoilers if you’re not up to date!

I think the idea of the faceless men is hot. They can change their face to be anyone to slip under the radar to do what needs to be done.I think we all must have had at some point in our life had a moment where we’d quite fancy getting away with looking like someone else. What would you do if you could look like someone else for a day? Commit a crime? Walk a day in someone else’s shoes? It’s an interesting topic to think about.

Thing is though, although it’s possible for actors and actresses to change how they look quite drastically (or with surgery) it’s not something that is so easy for the rest of us. Though I think in this kink world we come close.

I’m a really big fan of role-play. I perhaps don’t write about it so much, since most of the kink I do these days doesn’t involve roles that are too much more defined than victim/villian lol. However, I used to do spanking website modelling and private spanking sessions and we used it a lot for that. I had a different name for it too, well though obviously none of the names I use online are my real ones lol

Anyhow, in those days there was usually always a theme. Schoolgirl, nurse, naughty teenager, cheerleader, arabian slave …all sorts. A theme, and a rough plot. When we did the movies there would be a loose scenario and we would act to that. I found it really easy to get in role and be the (i guess quite stereotyped sometimes) character and I found it easiest by being in costume. I’m sure most actors are the same. By putting on a specific outfit, doing my hair, makeup, etc different, I found it easier to pretend to be someone else and to act out the scenario. I generally found it easiest if it was a scenario that required mischief, i suppose that isn’t a surprise to you. It was escapism though, and an hour or two where we were in character and not really thinking about other things. I think I need to do more role-play! Though, I got to do some recently being a pony mistress (see a few posts back!)

All the kink I do though is really a form of escapism for me. I generally don’t think about other stuff when I’m engaged in it.

It’s weird though, I feel the ‘vanilla me’ is a ‘no-one’ because I don’t have a high-powered career, I’m not the centre of attention and I’m certainly not the life of the party at a work function, much more the wallflower. I could try harder to be a someone in those areas, but I feel it contradicts with my kink. No one outside kink probably would care that I am kinky, because it doesn’t have an impact on them at all in the same way it would if I had a career, fame, children etc I’m quite happy to slip under most people’s radar, or the radar of those who don’t understand.

Having said that, for someone who is quite shy and someone you’d most likely walk past without noticing in the street, I feel kink has given me the ability to be *someone*. I feel I’ve achieved a lot in this sense, that it brings out a lot of the best of me, my confidence, my self-esteem, my passion and  imagination. I also feel for the most part, respected.

I think I like having parts of my life where I’m no-one, but it’s also fun to matter and at times, to certain people, be someone to be interested about.

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Spoilt for choice?

A wicked Wednesday post : the theme this week is choices.

choices

I think over the  years I’ve made a lot of bad choices. A lot. But, a lot of good ones as well.

I’d say mostly when I’ve made bad decisions it’s because my desire for kink has been the driving force rather than any amount of common sense!

For instance, I chose to meet my ex because I wanted to experience certain things, I chose to meet Grimly for the same reason, and if I’m honest one choice wasn’t really that much more thought out than the other and the consequences were down to well, luck on my part, but really the fact that one man just happened to be more suited to me than the other. But I could have been unlucky again. I could have had one disastrous dom after another and another and another and I’m sure that must happen to a lot of people.

I think finding a compatible and suitable partner is very difficult and I’m sure I’m not the only one who has started something with someone without really perhaps thinking it through. Sometimes over analysing things can be problematic, and probably if I had over analysed the sense in a relationship with Grimly maybe common sense would have ruled against it at some point or other. He didn’t live near me. He was older. He was a bit weird. You know, stuff like that. All the things that sensible parents would have given as reasons for being are you sure? So, facts have proven that sometimes a common sense approach can be absolutely wrong, because I don’t regret what I have with him and I never will. Our relationship isn’t perhaps totally what I thought it would be at the start,because it’s changed, matured, reacted to life circumstances and all sorts of things that can happen over the course of 11 years, but wherever the journey is going he’s who I’m sharing it with.

Anyway, back to what I said about bad relationship choices.My choice to begin a relationship with my ex seriously changed my life. During being with him, I dropped out of University and then moved country (well England to Scotland), and if I’m honest, that was part because I was distracted being suddenly in a controlling relationship, but also because I wasn’t applying myself properly and also had picked the wrong course/career. I’m unsure what the right one would have been since I’ve always been bad at choosing what I want career wise, but I guess at 36 there’s hopefully still time to somehow fix a few of those errors. If I’d chosen a course I would have stuck, then yeah, you know I could be on a much bigger salary but I might also not have ended up moving across the border, in which case I wouldn’t have met Grimly, other people who I’ve met etc. etc. So its hard to know, would I have been happier if the most crucial choices I’d made in life were different? I guess it’s that butterfly effect kind of thing.

The advice I’d give my younger self I suppose would be to think things through and think about the consequences of actions a bit more, but not too much as to lose the bravery and adventure. That’s a fine line I know. I think in choosing a partner to share all this stuff with it’s important to think about things like whether life goals are shared, whether you have things in life to share apart from kink as well and whether at the end of the day there is compatibility. My ex didn’t want to do half the things I wanted and was really only interested mostly in things I didn’t want because I didn’t want them. Does that even make sense? It probably doesn’t to me now. But yes, I think wanting to share the same adventure is a good start for a relationship, or at least having a willingness to compromise along the way.

I think the choices I’ve made since I’ve been with Grimly have been more sensible. I’ve experienced things with many other exciting people. I’ve tried to be careful in only playing with people  who I think are compatible with what I do and decent people, and for the most part that’s worked out well. I’ll still make bad choices occasionally in terms of life, part of being human after all, but I think I’ve learnt a lot from the larger mistakes I’ve made. At least I hope so!

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Every rose has its thorn

A wicked wednesday post – the theme this week is roses

Roses I suppose are a flower that make me think about relationships and romance, although, to be honest I’ve not really been bought them very often! I suppose perhaps the people I’ve had feelings for just have had other ways of showing affection other than giving flowers 😉 Why is that I wonder???!

Having said that, the title of this post is the name of a song the first guy I ever was in love with used to sing me whilst playing his guitar and when I hear it I still have pleasant memories of those kind of mellow moments of that relationship. For various reasons we were never going to work out though, too different I suppose, so different we drew odd looks from strangers but then, I don’t always think people ‘get’ me and Grimly either. Whilst that first love could do the romance bit quite well, and give me the roses, he couldn’t really give me the thorns too and that’s kind of what I wanted, well, metaphorically speaking.

*If* that relationship had been ideal, so many ifs, but if it it had, and *if* it was just the kink that were missing, maybe I would have still been with him and been one of those people that says ‘my partner just doesn’t get this and I can’t possibly leave them’ but that wasn’t the case so I’ve never had to say that. So, weird as it may sound, I’m glad there were other things wrong with us that I couldn’t blame my lust for kink on its failure but I”m also glad that I’m not still with him since I wouldn’t have experienced the things I now have or met the people I know have relationships and friendships with.

I first went to Grimly’s house a few days before Valentine’s day and the story of that is on this blog somewhere or other, and, on Valentines day, my boyfriend at the time gave me roses. Red. Which, incidentally is not *really* my thing, being a Yorkshire girl. LOL I much prefer white, or failing this, any colour but red! As a joke, and also because I’d seen he’d had the ‘BDSM textbook’ Screw the roses, send me the thorns, at his house, I sent Grimly the thorns from those roses.

As a sort of textbook style book I’m a fan of screw the roses. I need to make some more but I recommend their recipe for ‘cuddling oil’ and I can remember once sat in bed with the book with Grimly reading the page on ‘bdsm stereotypes’ and working out who we knew on the scene at the time that fitted the exaggerated cartoon characters in the book.

As years have gone by, I become more convinced that I don’t fit a stereotype. I used to think it was the ‘ideal’ to fit what a good submissive should be. But honestly? I’ve just never been able to live up to that. I’m not all that obedient, I like control yes, but being obedient or compliant is just not what comes naturally to me. I’m devoted to Grimly yes, and at times I’ve wonder is that because he’s my dom or just because he’s the man I love and over the years I’ve been more and more aware its just the latter. I wouldn’t say that means I didn’t genuinely think what I thought then, or was insincere about what I felt, just that I’ve changed and sort of I suppose got to know myself better, of course, with his help. I’m not the stereotypical dom either, like Grimly, I’m just too laid back for that and from either side i’m just not as full as my own bullshit as the cliched version of a dominatrix. I’m sure you’re not surprised at that. There isn’t a stereotype cartoon in the book for someone who is a gear head and sensation hunter, maybe it needs some sort of amendment for this LOL…but then I think actually, since its published the scene has changed quite a lot. There is much more awareness of different niche kinks, and more talk about it. Fetlife didn’t exist when that book first came out either, just more basic internet forums.

In terms of romance, we probably don’t fit the ‘average’ image of husband and wife either. Our romance is very non traditional, we don’t generally buy flowers or chocolates for each other, but gas masks and latex. Amongst other things at least! We also do so many weird random little things for each other that we don’t think about that maybe don’t happen in other marriages, but also so many that do. I’m just going to wreck now whatever reputation I ever had here and say that if you added up the amount of hours we’ve spent cuddling it would be years more worth of hours than the time we’ve spent doing kink lol.

When I met Grimly I wasn’t really looking for a traditional romance, or romance at all and certainly not for a man that would buy me flowers or expensive gifts. A loving sadist is so much more fun!

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Your kink is not my kink …

A wicked wednesday post – the theme this week is YKINMK – Your kink is not my kink 

Not everyone is kinky, and not everyone who is kinky or into any aspect of BDSM is necessarily into the same thing there’s just so many different ways of doing BDSM it would be impossible to like them all it would be like enjoying every kind of food the same. There’s things this girl eats that she loves, other things that are well you know okay, and also things that sometimes she’ll eat just because its one of Grimly’s favourite meals…like pork and mash. See a man can be uber kinky but boring with cuisine, just goes to show 😉

Anyway, perhaps thats a bad example but what this girl is trying to say is its very rare for a person to like everything to the same degree, and somethings just aren’t digestible.

Not everyone over the years has understood this girl’s kinks and that’s OK. Some of it is weird, some of it is wonderful, some is just odd, but its fantasy right? It’s supposed to be like that. It’s the weird dark stuff that comes out of her imagination and that of the man she loves and the thing is it  makes this girl happy. Take a look at the pictures and see how many of them have smiles 😉

Sometimes this girl has got hate mail. Or hate comments. Telling her that she is sick, or that she should be doing something ‘more worthwhile’ with her life.  She’s quite happy with her life though, and with the friends she’s met by being kinky.

Sometimes people who are into BDSM don’t get the kind of things she does. For instance, not everyone likes rubber, or electrics or gas masks or whatever it might be. Not everyone has to like it though. Respect is nice and courtesy, but they don’t have to like it and might never. This girl can live what that though.

There are fetishes this girl doesn’t like, things like rope and needles just are not her thing. She doesn’t have anything against anyone that likes that though, although she might tease the ropey people a little but with that accepts being teased back 😉

The ‘your kink is not my kink’ idea goes on to suggest ‘but its okay’. In honesty, this girl agrees with that about 90%. There are elements of bdsm she doesn’t practice since there are things that don’t float her boat…or Grimly’s, but there are things that she has come across as well that just can occasionally strike her as being wrong and harmful or non consensual.

This girl will accept most kinks as being ‘okay’ if all the people involved are consenting and are aware of the risks involved. Some of the fetishes written about on fetlife though don’t always suggest that to be the case. For instance a while back she commented on a  thread about fucking with knife blades. She can’t remember what she said exactly but her comment was shot down for not being accepting of it. It would be nice and utilitarian to be accepting of everyone and everything they do, but the things is if we applied that same theory to society in general we’d be accepting of all kinds of crime and social issues and politics i.e. ‘your politics aren’t my politics but thats okay ‘  doesnt work, because this girl is quite certain than the politics of the SNP are not okay!*

So when is your kink okay when is it not?

it’s not really for any one person to decide, certainly not this girl. She has her own spectrum of things she likes, things she doesn’t like, and other things that the suggestion of causes her moral, legal or ethical concern. The way this girl deals with that is to avoid any groups on fetlife or websites or people that might be over her lines on that. She doesn’t want to be accepting of everyone, it’s too naive, but she doesn’t want to put herself in conversations where she might come across as judgemental or hypocritical and its possible of course there are things that this girl does that other people probably look at and don’t think that are ‘okay’. However, if that does happen, she’s more than happy for people to discuss and say things that might change her mind or opinion of something, in the case of the knife blade fucking, if someone had said ‘well actually its safe to do this if you do xyz and its hot if you do it like abc’ then maybe that would have changed her mind, instead they laughed at her for voicing a concern as to whether it was safe, which to her seemed a justifiable concern to raise.

This girl would like to think that she portrays her kinks as being imaginative, creative and acted out with the implication risks have been thought out, and that fun has add by all and that no one has suffered any lasting harm or emotional damage, and that most people would accept that as being a sort of way of being OK, but if not, then well,it makes no difference really. This girl is satisfied that what she does is OK, and not causing any issues for her or anyone she plays with, and at the end of the day the opinion only matters of those you immediately affect.

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* that is a joke by the way, seriously if you want to vote for the snp and Scottish Independence go for it, this girl just questions your sanity thats all 😉

A piercing scream

A wicked Wednesday post : the theme this week is nipples!

This girl has a love-hate relationship with nipple -torture.

She can remember the first nipple clamps she ever had used on her which were possibly ones from Ann Summers or somewhere like that and can remember how much they hurt and yet at the same time how much they turned her on. She didn’t really explore nipple play all that much though before her ex dom wanted her to get them pierced.

He had read a lot of the kind of fetish fiction where the idea of ‘ultimate slavery’ is for the woman to be pierced in her nipples, labia, clit, nose and tongue. To be fair, a lot of those stories sound erotic and fun but going ahead with it should be for the right reasons a combination of it being for the D/s and because both parties are turned on and aroused by it.

This girl wasn’t really keen on the idea. However, to please her ex she went ahead and arranged getting her nipples pierced. The problem was though at the time she was very new to kink, still living at the seaside and not aware of many resources where she could discuss the pros and cons of going ahead with piercing or what to look out for with the piercing studio. So, stupidly, she went to the local one in town. Not so stupidly, she took a friend with her which was good since afterwards she was very faint and sick and probably would have passed out on a bench near the beach if he hadn’t been there to responsibly (ish) take her to the pub.

The whole experience is still one of those kind of moments thats still frozen in time for her, that she can imagine the room, the tattooist, being there topless waiting for him to do it. This girl can’t actually remember if she screamed out loud but inside her head she screamed at the top of her lungs, it hurt! It was however also very erotic and on so many levels this girl enjoyed it.

With hindsight she would however go back in time to her 22 year old self and say wait – wait for the right guy, and the right studio. Well hindsight is a great thing.

The piercings didn’t heal very well and after about a year she had to remove them.

Her ex wasn’t too happy about that though and insisted on her repeating the process at a studio in Glasgow. The piercing the second time was much better however the nerves before it were far greater. Its worse sort of knowing what to expect, but in a way more exciting since admittedly it was still within the realms of fantasy. Her ex dom could have gone with her but he didn’t having a fear of needles! So, again she was accompanied by a local friend. Whether it was an issue with the first piercing still or how this girl looked after them or a combination, it didn’t work the second time either and so eventually this girl had to remove the second piercings too.

This girl removed the second piercings around about 2005.

She’s spoken with Grimly about piercings a few times since – he’s most keen on a septum piercing but this girl isn’t sure about that ! She’s unsure really, part of her would like to try the piercings again with a reputable piercer and ideally one kink aware. So, never say never. The idea on some levels is still erotic to her but also scary.

It took a long time from the second healing to be able to do nipple play again. This girl isn’t sure whether as a result of that her sensitivity is greater it seems that way and sometimes when clamps are used she has a similar queasy feeling to when the needle went through and sometimes that throws off her head space when they are used. Though it’s usually ok and sensual and fun if she’s already spacy or distracted by other things as well. Grimly as you might know is slightly obsessed with sensory overkill anyway!

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Byte me!

A wicked Wednesday post : the theme this week is biting

Some people say that just one bite of something can cause an addiction or desire for a certain taste or flavour to be repeated, and this girl was like that with kink, especially in relation to the internet – hence this title.

A few times she has had discussions with Grimly as to whether kink was ‘better’ before the internet when people met by word of mouth, through clubs, or through contact magazines.

He might be right, but then again he might not. Of course it might be a generation thing (just don’t tell him ok? 😉 )

However, had it not been for the internet it is unlikely this girl would have the husband or many of the friends that are now in her life.

This girl first used the internet in 1996 at college. Not long after that she discovered ‘chat rooms’ and guys looking for fun. She started talking to a guy who would be her first serious boyfriend on a geocities (yahoo) chat room in 1997 when he was in Karachi and met him and fell in love/lust? with him when she and he were both in London in 2000. It lasted a couple of years but sort of post 9/11 it all got a bit weird not because of 9/11 as such but because he was in Pakistan that week and she didn’t know if /when he would get a flight back to the UK and she sort of started realising that the relationship perhaps didn’t have a long-term future.That, and she had discovered kink a bit more too by talking to people online who could point her in the direction of places like Informed Consent.

She tried kink with him after he returned to the UK but he was not interested. Perhaps that was one of the final nails in the coffin of that relationship. It came to a natural and yes ok slightly acrimonious end (as these things do!). This girl doesn’t regret her relationship with him but with maturity and hindsight she understands he was not ‘the one ‘ for quite a few reasons, but that many of the memories are happy ones.

This girl hasn’t really had a serious relationship with a man she hasn’t spoken to online first, what it stays about her dating skills is probably negative, but sometimes its the easiest way to at least try to see if someone has the same interests before getting too attached – since you can’t exactly ask someone if they want to be tied up on a first date usually.

After that ended this girl learned more about kink and came across her immediate ex. Without going into all that history (again) let’s just say it was not ultimately a happy relationship and that if she could completely undo ever meeting him then she would. Having said that, if she hadn’t met him she wouldn’t have probably moved to Scotland, or then subsequently met Grimly.

This girl first came across Grimly on Informed consent which she has written about before. It was his words more than his pictures that spoke to her, and on chatting she was quite happy to meet him to learn more. The rest is history.

Had it not been for the wonderful invention of the computer though she might never have known of his existence.

Since then this girl has met quite a few people in real life that she has initially just spoken to  online either through her blog or from fetlife. People such as Trinity Pup, Captive Kink, JG Leathers and Bound in latex amongst so many other wonderful people too.

The internet is a wonderful invention since it makes so many interesting people aware of each other in a non-threatening way. What makes it dangerous though is curiosity. Wondering what people will be like to meet, or to play with, or to embark on a relationship with and then taking that risk or that chance. With experience this girl has realised there are ways of being reckless about that and ways about being sensible.

The pursuit of ‘kink’ though is an addiction, something that she has wanted since ever first becoming aware of it and something that she actively pursues with her husband and with her friends.

To her kink wasn’t better before the internet, because before that she didn’t know about it. She knew there were things that she liked and fantasies she had, but she didn’t know there were other people who shared those things and so being able to communicate with people and find out about events and happenings has helped make her fantasies reality. Living in a small yorkshire town she would have never ever found a demented and devious scotsman, apart from perhaps a drunk one on holiday wearing a kilt and ginger wig (scary)

Since getting involved with attending events this girl has now met more people face to face from all over the world and the net has been a tool for staying in communication across the miles. This girl’s grandparents were separated by his merchant navy job for many years and the only way they could communicate was by very slow letters or by telegram, if they’d had skype and email how much easier it would have been, though perhaps less romantic!

Somethings about the internet sort of worry me a bit like how many predators and malicious people are out there, and how some old-fashioned ways of storing information are suffering as a result (like libraries) but had it not been for its existence this girl would not have been able to meet as many people with whom she could share her fantasies and would not be sharing them with you either 😉

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