30 days of dominance : Day 16

Day 16

I’m not answering the question on the internet meme’s for today as I’ve felt I’ve already covered it in one of the earlier answers. So I’m going to write about something else. If anyone is following along, the question was -Have you found that your Dominance has changed with different partners or relationships? If you’re involved with, or have been involved with, partners of both sexes, has your Dominance changed based on gender or do you feel that it is dependent on the submissive as an individual? I reckon day 5 pretty much covered this!

Instead I’m going to write about something more useful. How do you meet a dominant (like me)? You can also use this as opposite advice, if you wish to avoid a dominant (like me). This advice is coming from other similar guidelines I’ve read in the past (though not copied from) and from personal experience particularly warnings about what pisses Dommes off. Or indeed, people in general.

Firstly, I’m not looking for a submissive, and most definitely not a male one, so this is not a guide on how to contact me or impress me since I’M NOT IN THE MARKET. lol

Here really lies my first tip on this subject.


  1. Read people’s profiles/writings – are they looking? If they’re clearly not looking don’t write to them as if they’re available. Especially if it’s clear you don’t meet their requirements in a partner i.e gender, if they say they won’t play with married people etc. I think my profiles are pretty well worded to field off this sort of thing, but there’s always one. Or ten, that don’t get it.
  2. Show you’ve read what they’ve written , send an intelligent, well written message. Don’t just send a message saying Hi, nice pics. I know my pictures are good. I hear this a lot. If you want a domme to engage with you, go into a bit more detail. What was it specifically that you liked? Why? If they’ve said they have a specific interest that you share, whether it be kink or none, perhaps try and start a conversation about it.
  3. If they don’t specify, assume you can’t just address them as Mistress right away, but be respecful. I don’t like submissive writing to me as though I”m their Mistress right away, that sort of thing has to be earnt in my opinion . It’s a little different if it’s a high protocol event where all the subs and told to address all the ladies this way, but otherwise be respectful, don’t address them or write in anything other than  how you would send any other respectful email unless something they’ve said suggest they want this Some people do. I don’t particularly but we are all different, so read and see.
  4. Have something more interesting on your profile than a dick pic or if it really must be a dick pic, can it be an interesting one like in chastity or like Mr Cocky? If its just a dick selfie, sorry, it makes you look an idiot, at least to me, and most women I know. I suppose it goes the same way that if you’re a female not classy to have a picture of your cunt! Have a nice picture, if you don’t want to show your face, you don’t have to, just something more interesting that says more about you than your genitals is good.
  5. Have something interesting on  your profile about yourself, Contribute to groups, discussions, comment on pictures show that you interact with the community in an intelligent way, can’t but help!
  6. If someone responds to say they’re not interested move on


The best way of course of finding a domme or any partner is getting out there and meeting people.

  1. Go to munches, clubs, workshops talk to people and don’t be a creep. Make friends, even if its not with people who want to play, perhaps these people know other people that might want to play with  you and then possibly they can vouch for you to them.
  2. If you’re going to ask a stranger for play – don’t do it whilst they’re still playing with someone else or when they’ve just finished playing with someone else and clearly having come down time with that person. This has happened to me a few times and I get that probably at least one of those people was new, but it isn’t cool. Think about how you’re affecting the head space of the Dom, also of their sub, was has probably been looking forward to the scene and doesn’t want you interrupting it!
  3. Also take no for an answer – this has also happened to me, just politely move on.
  4. Be Hygenic – I worked temporarily in a pro domme chambers and there were some clients who came in who didn’t appear to have washed recently. Please wash if you intend to play with someone, I mean I’m sorry if this sounds obvious, but you’d be surprised. If you think anal play might be involved, try and do something to check it’s reasonably clean too
  5. Get to know people as friends sometimes it’s easier for something to lead to play with someone you already know well. If someone writes to me and says they want me to the tie them up, or approaches me at a club and asks me to hit them I’m not going to do that. Some people might of course, but I wouldn’t. I’d rather play with people I know, trust, like, have a feeling for in whether we’re compatible. Sometimes life can be more spontaneous in that sense but I think as general advice this can’t hurt.
  6. Stand out for the good stuff – Stand out because you are funny, or attractive, intelligent or kind. Don’t stand out because you’re the one that always gets drunk at events or plays with anything that moves, or swears, or is basically the arsehole of the scene.
  7. Consider events which specifically cater for single subs – some Fem Dom events have methods of hooking subs up with doms, or by a tag system, or all sorts of things where the idea is to get people matched up for some fun.
  8. Don’t be the dick who doesn’t call, contact after play – even if didn’t work out, always be considerate that using someone for play and them dropping them like a stone is just nasty. Even a dear john is better than that. At least I think so.
  9. Don’t slag off the person or the scene on the internet – especially if you try and mask it to being ‘generic or non specific’ when you’ve clearly just played with that person. This has happened to me, though on a very small scale. It’s just rude and a little bit hurtful. If you’re going to do that, you know, at least discuss the feedback with me first. I don’t mind people writing about what they do with me, but if it’s going to be a ‘bad review’ least tell me why before it goes kinky and popular (that hasn’t happened but you never know) LOL If you’re going to write she’s crazy don’t go near her, I don’t mind that because it’s TRUE.
  10. Don’t be afraid – everyone has been new. Get yourself out there and give it a go.

I think that’s all for now, this isn’t designed to be a comprehensive guide or foolproof just a few ideas. I have met play partners in the following ways :

  • yahoo chat
  • informed consent profiles – reading them, sending messages, chatting.
  • fetlife profiles, reading them, sending messages, chatting
  • people being impressed by what I do i.e JG Leathers first contacted us because he liked our flickr pics.
  • friends of friends ie.I met Anna Rose and Serious Bondage because of JG Leathers introduction.
  • people interested in us because they wanted Grimly to make them something because of his skills
  • at munches – talking and then building friendships
  • at clubs – sometimes this has been from hookup play. Sometimes that has lasted, sometimes it hasn’t. Not generally something I do anymore.
  • at private parties of friends – good because generally if you like the host there’s a chance you’ll like the type of people they’d invite. On the most part lol

I think that’s it. A combination of those things should get you somewhere. Basically be respectful, polite, courteous and fun don’t be the dick who can’t take no for an answer and is a pest!

Good luck!


One thought on “30 days of dominance : Day 16

  1. All very good advice. In my case my Domme found me – I didn’t even know I was looking for one at the time. Subsequently I found that being owned wasn’t for me, but there is a Domme or Dom out there for every submissive – you just have to be patient.

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