Have you been or are you in a Dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
I’ve been in D/s themed relationships and had BDSM as part of my life since I was 22. I’m 37 now. So, no, this isn’t new to me. I met Grimly a little before I was 25. With Grimly, and with my ex, I’ve been more bottom, but how submissive that has made me I don’t know. It’s hard to label that.
As far as being a Dom, I’d say I’ve had 3 relationships. By a relationship I’m defining it as being something where there was a clear dynamic and there was regular contact of roughly at *least* once a month, if not more than that. I’ve been in other more casual relationships as well, but I’m just going to get confused if I write about those too!
I think it’s a bit hard to play a game of spot the difference in this sense, with any relationship its sort of a thing of a combination of what I need/ed and what they need/ed at the time that makes it unique. Not everyone needs the same thing, and not always a repeat of the same thing again with someone else. Not necessarily because it was bad, just because not everything can be the same and everyone is a unique individual. I don’t think I would ever purposely seek someone out for being like someone else. What’s the point of that, much better to find people who are just themselves, too much expectation to live up to otherwise.
I think I learn from each relationship and person that I”m with as well. Whether that is conscious at the time i don’t know. An example of this is that the first time I had a regular female sub she was still involved with other people too. She was gay and very into another girl (not D/s or not in the same sense as me) and I did not like this other girl. The other girl did stuff that in my opinion was dangerous and basically I’m sorry, but I thought she was a fuckwit. I don’t know if my ex sub reads my blog, if she does, then she will know that I have reasons for thinking that which are (at least to me) justified. We haven’t spoken for a long time, not because we’ve fallen out, just because she left the UK for a long time and we kind of lost contact. I think what ended us was mostly the fact I was also with Grimly and she required a partner who was hers alone. I hope she has found someone who makes her happy.
From that experience, I’ve sort of made it a ‘rule’ that I do not want Anne O’Malley dating anyone else whilst we’re together.1) Because I was hurt by that experience and 2) because I felt powerless that I could see the relationship she was choosing to be in appeared to be damaging.
I have a jealous personality and wish I didn’t but I do! I know it makes me a total hypocrite that I play with other people too and so you may well view that as a double standard. Which you very possibly wouldn’t be wrong! I think its part of a feeling of being in control thing for me too. Also, a protective thing. There are a lot of doms on the scene locally who I do not respect and I wouldn’t even lend my cheapest toys too let alone my subby! So, no thanks, I don’t want anyone else putting their mitts on her! She knows though that if she wanted to date, or have a relationship with someone else then if the time was right I’d not stand in her way and hopefully make a better job of staying friends than I did previously, but I hope that time is a long way off. If it ever happens at all since I can’t imagine a future without her into it. Cheesy as that does sound.
It’s also part of the dynamic because I want her to feel as though she is property, that I own her, that she has to do as I say and not as I do that I have this particular rule and whilst mistresses can have many slaves and toys, slaves can only have one owner right? My ex had the fantasy of ‘loaning his property out’. I do not have this fantasy either as being the property or as being the owner. I couldn’t imagine lending her to someone else for the night and let them do what they want to her, not even, with any limits that I might set. Like i said. Jealous.
In terms of relationships, I’ve never had a sub as my ‘main’ partner. The partners I’ve lived with (well the two) have both been Dom. Whilst I’m married to Grimly that is not going to change and like I don’t see a future without Anne O’Malley in it, I don’t see one without him either. Stuck with that bugger 😉
What makes Anne O’Malley different to subbies I”ve been in relationships with/played with in the past is that she’s most definitely the one I’ve been most intimate with, but also the bestest friend with, so in that sense I’m very lucky. But also, most aligned as well with the things I want to do whether they be kinky or not. I think like any relationship, there are people out there who are a good fit, and people who are not, and it just takes a bit of experimentation to find that.