30 days of dominance : Day 3

Day 3


How do you know you are a Dominant or have the potential to be Dominant? How do you feel when you express your Dominance?

I don’t know. I think you just know. Because it’s soooo long (say maybe 14yrs) that I’ve been around BDSM I can’t remember what thoughts led me to thinking yes I can do that. Other than possibly I know what it feels like to experience it, I’ve seen others do it, I can try that for myself.

I know there are people who aren’t at all dominant. At least, not in a D/s sense. They might be in other parts of their lives. I know people who when the idea of them being any kind of top is suggested to them, they baulk and say ‘oh no I could never do that to someone. I couldn’t hurt someone’. That’s fine, some people just are much more satisfied on the receiving end. Being greedy, I like both.

I don’t think you know you are or can be something unless you try or unless you at least try to learn the techniques. For instance, whilst I don’t think it’s likely I could ever be a brain surgeon, since I don’t like the idea of messing around with someone’s life in such a hands on way and I don’t like blood. I’m sure if I spent many years in medical school maybe I could but deep down I’m not sure I would trust myself with that responsibility.  It’s more likely I could be a lawyer or something like that if I went to school, since I know what level of academic intelligence I have and I could achieve that I’m sure if I had the money and time to devote to it and I can certainly put forward an argument on a matter. Eventually.

What I’m saying is really that I’m not sure it’s possible to know without trying. I think it’s possible to be pretty sure it’s not something you want and not your preference, if you know you like the opposite. I think it’s also possible to not like or want to try it as a concept in the sense that some vegetarians in principle won’t ever want to try eating meat they just have reasons why it’s not for them. But, what I’m trying to say is that once you’ve tried to learn the skills you know if you can do it or not for sure. Like driving I suppose. Most people can if they try, but not everyone wants to learn. It takes time to learn skills and have the intentional practice (and make mistakes by trial and error), but also doing some hobbies or learning new things requires money, to either take classes or buy the tools. Same thing.

I think yes of course there is an element of knowing deep down ‘do I want to control people’ ‘ do I want to hurt people’ but I’m not sure it’s all that conscious a thought. I’m not actually sure that knowing whether you’re dom or sub is really that different to knowing whether you’re straight or bi or gay. You have an idea as to where you fit, but until you’ve been with someone of that gender how do you really know , like for definite.

I think the thing I get most out of when I’m being dom is doing something that I know turns me on and turns on the other person. Maybe that is not that dominant a thought. My ex did say he only felt dominant if he was doing something to me I didn’t want. I think that’s nonsense. Sometimes i like doing to people things that they might think in the moment they don’t want , but actually deep down are turned on by. I don’t ever want to do anything to anyone that causes them any sort of psychological harm or gives them nightmares, at least not really bad nightmares 😉

I also feel there is something in someone’s aura as to whether they are dom or sub or switch. Just in how they go about things, how they interact with other people. That’s the problem actually of being a switch in a sense, because,  you can be at an event in one role and then people possibly assume that’s what you are all the time, when that isn’t necessarily the case. I probably now come across more commonly as dom, so I guess that might put off someone new that I meet that I would in theory prefer to be bottom to, or intimidate them but this is a risk. Having said that, if someone is intimidated by me then they’re probably not going to be able to top me!

How do I feel when I express dominance? Seriously simple question. Turned on (greatly), happy, sexy. All those kind of things. I like how the person feels, I like using the gear and toys and making whats in my head become real. All the senses come alive for me, although of course, the other person only gets to experience what I want.


3 thoughts on “30 days of dominance : Day 3

  1. “My ex did say he only felt dominant if he was doing something to me I didn’t want. I think that’s nonsense.”

    I can see the appeal of that I think. The other side of that coin: if you were into “forced” X as a sub, is it really forced? If you were a top with the same interest, “forcing” someone to do that – could you enjoy yourself with that sub, knowing they aren’t actually “forced” at all? I don’t think it’s nonsense, just a different form of dominance. Probably not one either of us would like, but just a different form of kink. Like punishment – there are play “punishments”, like spankings which both sides might enjoy, but don’t some relationships include actual punishment, intended to be unpleasant for the “victim”?

  2. I can kind of see the appeal in theory too. However, he did not want to do anything in the end that I liked because it turned him off that I liked it. Forced, yeah weird word, I have never forced anyone to do anything, it possibly makes me sound like a soft touch (don’t care) that if someone really does not want to do something and it is distressing them i will just stop. This is why I prefer playing with people I know reasonably well, since I can generally tell the difference between ‘no no no please no oh God yes’ and the ‘really no’s’ sort of expressions both verbal and non. Somethings might be ‘forced’ at time time, for instance clamps that I know she can take, but doesn’t like. Punishment, well, I assure you, its hard to punish a masochist. But there are ways 😉 Just gotta be more be inventive 😉

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