Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
That is more than one question. Not fair!
OK. Firstly, I’m not looking for a submissive. I have one and also other regular playmates that keep me busy enough already. Having said that, I’m not ruling out if someone interesting puts their head above the parapet that I wouldn’t play with anyone else, but I’m not looking for any more committed D/s relationships – I have my hands full in that sense, so anything else that happens, it has to be pretty casual.
Assuming that I were looking, any one I play with first of all has to be someone who is also my friend or that will become my friend. I don’t like using people for play and don’t do it. For instance whilst I wanted to play with the creature, I didn’t visit JG once and never speak to him again! We’re still friends best part of around 8 years later and have roughly seen each other at least once a year somewhere or other around the world lol Likewise, with subbies I don’t like people playing with me taking up my time and then fucking off and not bothering with me again. This is like a major way of pissing me off! So, what I’m saying is if you want to play with me make the effort to be my friend and you’ll get the same effort in return 🙂
Besides, playing with friends is generally more relaxed and fun than playing with strangers. I had someone approach me at a club last week (who’d seen me play) and he asked for the same type of play as I’d just done. I declined – and I’m sorry if this person reads my blog (but I don’t think they are likely to) but it just isn’t my thing. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him so much, it’s just to me playing with a stranger I’m unlikely to see again is like a one night stand to me and not for me. Also as a dom it is hard work and a lot of effort to play with a stranger since you’re not used to their body language or tolerance.
Any subs/bottoms who play with me also need to like hugs. This is a must. The thing is, affection and tenderness sometimes fits into a scene. Or at the very least after it. Anyone who doesn’t like hugs basically doesn’t have a soul in my opinion!
People also need to not mind me being a *little* demented. Yes bondage can be serious but it can also be fun at the same time.
People who want to play with me also need to fit in and get on with my friends. At least, on an amicable basis. I get that sometimes personalities clash a bit and that’s ok but on the whole, I like people to play with to get on with my extended network of fetish friends and,I make the effort to introduce my friends and playthings to my other friends and playthings – which I think on the whole works well. The enemy of a friend though, sorry, you’re an enemy. Or at least, not someone I”m going to approach on purpose beyond being civil and polite. I trust the opinion of my friends so for instance if someone says that X is dangerous then I will stay away from them, or at the very minimum tread cautiously until I’ve made my own mind up! Oh how I wish I’d listened to people who said my ex was bad news! Hey ho. But yeah, get with my friends if you want a chance of playing with me! Here’s a random bunch of my friends, JG, Anna Rose, Grimly and Tia! Picture taken by Anna’s husband whilst I was strapped to a piece of House of Gord machinery!
I also really only like playing with people who can let themselves go with me and trust me when I’m in control. Of course, they may need to work up to this, by getting to know me, but really the only way I can give someone a good experience when I’m dom is by them having the faith that I know what I’m doing. In this picture I had Anne O’Malley on the stage at Boundcon in a hood that she couldn’t see out of it and could only breathe out of it a small amount. I played with her on the stage and led her through the crowds of the warehouse and she trusted me completely. Or at least, gave that impression 😉 obviously she has no idea what I’m pointing at. Only someone bonkers like me will point out things to someone who can’t see them!
So what is that so far, they have to be my friend, affectionate, fit in with my pals and trust me. I think that’s a good start.
My preference is, to be honest, for women. So, this helps too. Though, I have a few male friends who I’m happy to play with. Generally, this has only happened after a period of friendship and I’ve not really met any guys I’ve dommed without getting to know them a little bit first.
My very first sub was a boy though. I can’t actually remember whether I found him or he found me. I know we met on Bondage.com (now long gone I think) and met shortly afterwards. I think the first time we met was at an event we were both going to but we’d chatted a while first online. I think with him the attraction was his perceived innocence which I wanted to corrupt and his sense of adventure. That’s a requirement actually. Must have a sense of adventure and imagination and not want to do the same damn thing every time! I had a great deal of fun with him and it really only ended when I met Grimly and he met a lady (who he has since married and is very happy) but it was a fun time for us while it was happening.
Both he and the girl I was in a relationship with afterwards were a few years younger than me. I don’t really have too many constraints on age, being married to someone 21 years my senior, but I think I prefer younger subs, but not too young. I would say probably 10 years either side of my age is good for me. So ok a range of around 25-45 lol. Oh but, I have played with a few older women who have been well hot, so this isn’t a cast in stone thing 😉
I think mostly I’m attracted to personality rather than age and gender, but there does of course need to be a level of mutual attraction.
That comes us onto Anne O’Malley. Again, I definitely was not looking when I found her. I totally rewrote my profile on fetlife to make it look like I was after I met her. Don’t tell her that 😉
Anyway, in her I have someone who is a good friend first and foremost. Into the things I”m into – history, theatre, going on random adventures, cuddles…. But also very much aligned with my kinks in that I can do anything I want to her (pretty much) and she likes it. Even the figging.
The other thing I like about her is that I know she’ll read that and be incredibly turned on despite being quite scared and worried. So cute. I guess I like humiliating people, but in a way that arouses them.
Ultimately, any play partners have to be compatible on a lot of fetishes, otherwise, where’s the fun.
I’d also add I like gearheads. If there are subbies out there who have *incredible* gear that they would like me to put them into, I’d maybe consider that! By incredible, well, I mean, look at what I do and do something that wow’s or intrigues me or at least catches my attention. I know there are people like that out there, where are you. Show yourselves! Should you dare 😉
Ok, I think that answers the first part enough. You’re probably bored by now reader. Sorry about that!
Am I dominant in my marriage. In theory, no. Grimly and I were originally in a D/s relationship where he was the Dom and I was the sub and, deep down big parts of us are still like that. There’s elements of our marriage where I’m submissive I would say, like I’m happy for him to make a lot of decisions that effect us (provided I”m consulted lol) and I do a lot of the traditionally female looking after the house things. Having said that, I am probably, ok, definitely, a wife who nags and who pesters him to do stuff. Maybe it is just one of those things that come with being married, so maybe sometimes I am dominant over my long-suffering husband, but I’m not meant to be and I hope he doesn’t see it that way!
I wouldn’t say I was just dominant in the bedroom. I’m quite forthright in a lot of aspects of my life and what I do with Anne O’Malley sort of is beyond that context too. I’ll be dominant where I want to be dominant 🙂
I think I’ve answered the last question. I’m a better dom with people I know well and that I’m in ‘some’ sort of a relationship with. I think the best D/s and the best BDSM is always with good friends and lovers. and people who want to bring out the best in each other.