I’ve been thinking a lot about my Mum recently. Primarily because a few weeks back she surprised us with a visit, with NO WARNING!
Luckily, Grimly was home and was able to quickly shut the playroom away and tidy up any bits of leather that were lying about,but only just. He didn’t move our artwork though, which includes a picture of me in a straitjacket above the fireplace lol. My mum is quite naive when it comes to a lot of things and didn’t work out it was a straitjacket. Phew! We have an explanation for that ready though of, ‘oh our friends say we were mad to marry each other’ but instead we could get away this time with ‘the artist isn’t good at painting hands’. The problem though , was that she texted pictures of said painting to other family members because she liked it so much …and some of them are a bit more worldly-wise. So, still waiting to see if any of them say anything!
I feel guilty because I didn’t really ‘welcome’ her visit. As much as I love my Mum she’s been difficult recently because *long story* something has upset her and she cannot let it go. It’s gone past the point where most other people would let it go and what could have been a minor annoyance has sort of grown arms, legs, tentacles and breathes flame. Would add, said problem is not anything to do with her wonderful daughter LOL
Anyway, the thing that has been annoying her has sort of taken over her life,and takes over any conversation, even now, almost a year since the start of the saga and really I just don’t know how to deal with it. I think it’s now a sort of mental/emotional health issue, and goodness I’m just not good at dealing with those. Not unless aforementioned straitjacket is involved and a padded cell.
So, I dunno. If she’d found the kink would have been a good thing? Would it have diverted her attention and energies? I don’t think it would really and I’m relieved that didn’t happen. The thing is though, I feel bad that I have to hide this big part of my life from a couple of the people closest to me. I’m going to say this. I’m NOT ashamed of who I am. But I don’t want to push it in the faces of people who would prefer not to know or wouldn’t understand. However, after this ‘close call’ I’ve been wondering what I would say if I am found out. And this sort of that.
I’m NOT ashamed of who I am. I’m quite proud of it, I feel that how I express my sexuality is healthy, I’m not hiding anything away unfulfilled. I like to be tied up and hurt, I like to tie people up and hurt them. Though, I’ve never been hurt in a way that has harmed me , nor hurt anyone in a way that has harmed them. Everything I have done has been with friends and loved ones who’ve wanted to share those experiences with me (apart from the x let’s not go there) No one is to ‘blame’ for the way I turned out. I wasn’t abused as a child, or as an adult and I’ve CHOSEN the people I’ve been with, though credited, some past choices have been let’s say ‘not completely sensible’.
I don’t know what made me want these things, maybe an over-active imagination, compounded by reading too much history and watching too much films. Maybe I just was always going to be like this. I don’t really care though about the why. Me being me has found me the man I love. My soul mate. He is, regardless of all the kinky stuff,the one I was meant to be with. His imagination may have been the initial attraction, but what we have explored together has been amazing. We’ve been to places and met people who in a normal marriage we wouldn’t have. We’ve shared our fantasies with each other and friends without stifling who we are and we make each other happy. I think deep down happiness is the only thing that really matters. We could have equally been a couple into birdwatching, or skydiving, or rambling. But, we’re not those people. I like to think what I’ve written here over 9+ years shows that we enjoy what we do, that we go about it in a healthy manner. I know though that there are people who just would never understand, sadly parents being two! I’d like to think if my parents ever discover ‘this’ they’ll understand I am just still ME and that this side of me has helped my confidence, self-esteem, happiness and so many other things. It’s kind of unlikely though. So for now, my not so guilty secret.