“I’ll have what she’s having”

The subject and inspiration of this weeks Wicked Wednesday post is Meg Ryan’s fake orgasm from when Harry met Sally.

Like a lot of women, this girl has had a sort of odd history with orgasm since in her case she went from slow starter, to having difficulty having them , to then having difficulty stopping them 😉

This girl didn’t have sex till she was 20. That isn’t to say she hadn’t had an orgasm by then. Most people ‘explore’ their bodies. Well in this girl’s case she sort of tortured hers, not in so much a self-harm or anything since she never ‘cut’ but she did other things and with hindsight those things were always combined with pain. This is probably why she related to Phedre in the Kushiel series of books – for this girl orgasm is always at its most intense when pleasure is combined with pain usually when receiving it, but also when inflicting it as well. It’s as though the two things go together.

As a result, she wasn’t as excited as she might have otherwise be when she finally did have sex. Obviously at the time, it was new, it was exciting, it was passionate, but based on what her 33-year-old self knows, her 20-year-old self wasn’t really perhaps as satisfied as she thought at the time and she’s definitely had much more pleasure since 🙂  She certainly doesn’t think she had many orgasms with him. The guy she lost her virginity to wasn’t kinky. At least, not in a BDSM sense. He was very loving and tender to begin with and gradually increased the intensity and depravity as far as anal sex(!) but he wasn’t really wanting to go any further and this girl was. He gave her some good orgasms from oral sex, but never really from penetration, and from what this girl knows, that’s quite common for women to not always orgasm from penetration.

This girl has never faked it though. What is the point of that? It only leads to misunderstanding and disappointment. At least if someone knows you’ve not orgasmed or they’re not sure, then they might try harder or do something different 😉 That is, if they care. If they don’t , well perhaps they’re not the right partner, since if it’s not about giving each other happiness and pleasure then what is it about??

This girl’s first dom gave her a few good orgasms early on his relationship but to be honest, after a while he seemed to only care about receiving blow jobs and her getting orgasms in his opinion seemed secondary, didn’t she get enough pleasure from pleasing him?

Perhaps this is why this girl struggles sometimes with the submissive label, there are times she wants to say yes, its  her it’s what she wants, but that sort of statement just makes her want to rebel against that definition. Yes, she’s gets pleasure from pleasing her man, but not, if that’s the only pleasure she can ever get. There needs to be some sort of pleasure back for her in return.

That leads us to Grimly.

This girl mentioned in a post not so long ago that when she met Grimly she said to him ‘oh no you wont make me orgasm, go on ,try’ since at that point in her life she hadn’t had one for, well, perhaps actually years. That, and she truly believed she could hold that part back, that maybe she would when she was ready, not when he controlled it.

Well that’s not what happened. The first time this girl played with Grimly he pulled out every trick he had going on her. Electrics, the fuck machine, bondage, lots of stuff. This girl can still remember in quite graphic detail how the biggest orgasm she had that weekend happened, but well, it’s a bit too personal to share. Though, let’s say that it reinforced her belief that the best orgasms she could ever receive were mostly driven by pain and pleasure overload. She certainly didn’t need to do a ‘meg ryan’ and well, given she’d sort of set a challenge as such she wouldn’t have even thought about it. Grimly has often said that how he does BDSM is torture by pleasure, that whilst some of it is pain driven, a lot of it is sensory overload and orgasm upon orgasm without relent so that the pleasure itself is overwhelming and a torture.

It’s odd actually, to go from a life of few orgasms to one of many.

It’s not a complaint! Just an observation…

This girl can’t remember when exactly, but Grimly built a brainwashing mask maybe about six years ago now.  He designed it especially with her in mind because part of her still held back, part of her wanted to be controlled but the sort of headstrong independent part of her character was  needing to be conquered, to submit because she had no choice that it was the natural version of events, because of his cunning, strength, dominance, ability, and basically him being an evil brainwashing bastard. Sometimes saying it like that it sounds silly, but well, its part of her fantasy and that’s really all she needs to stay to quantify that 🙂

Grimly used a combination of the mask, electrotherapy and neuro linguistic programming to put a trigger in this girl’s head that whenever she heard a certain word (later a few different words) that she would orgasm and that she wouldn’t orgasm otherwise. This meant that even over the phone, just from hearing his voice this girl could orgasm.

Some people might not believe this, or might say that its faked. The thing is though, you believe what you want to believe. For most of the last seven or so years this girl has believed it to the point where she *has* orgasmed from his commands, more intensely from  play and pain than from not, but even from cold she has orgasmed from his trigger word.

To be honest, a little lately its worn off.  Things changed somewhat last year when after the wedding, Grimly moved in. The dynamic has been a bit odd since then because this girl’s shifts changed after the wedding to be more time intensive, Grimly’s working from home just now so doing more of the cooking and things, and then family stuff on top (which is going to have an impact for most of this year). Anyway, maybe it sounds like excuses but circumstances have made changing from a distance D/s and play relationship (of 7 years) to a live in marriage challenging. The thing is though, this girl and Grimly are happier than ever before, just it’s not so much D/s of late. When it happens, or when BDSM happens its good, the orgasms are still good, just the dynamic doesn’t feel as strong as before.

This girl has said before it’s a sort of Narnia thing. Before when she went to visit him she could get in the head space by making the journey the same as going through ‘the wardrobe’ whereas now he is here, everything is here  and there is isn’t so much of a transition so its working out how to fit it all in with real life.

As a result of all that she doesn’t really feel so submissive, and she doesn’t really orgasm from cold anymore. When he says the triggers during play it still works, it still works intensely, and he can say it again and again and she will keep orgasming till she can’t anymore, but it doesn’t work all the time like it did before. Maybe that is because something in her has changed, maybe she needs to be reconditioned, or perhaps she is just letting her dominant characteristics take over too much, so the part of her that believes in his control is sort of hidden and dormant.

It’s hard to want to be a submissive, a masochist, a dominant and a sadist all at once. Well not at once exactly, but one day one thing, and then when she has a nice girl to play with, well you know she wants the other stuff. It’s confusing! At least it is right now. It feels as though she doesn’t do any of it particularly well. She knows thats actually a harsh self criticism and probably not completely true but it doesn’t stop her thinking it from time to time.

Ok ok perhaps she’s trying to have her cake and eat it – which in the past has proven to be difficult.

Ultimately some sort of routine will fall into place, the thing is , there is the rest of her life with Grimly to work out what that is. Relationships change and evolve over time and that is no bad thing.

Most women want good orgasms, and multiple ones though. So, its easy to be jealous of someone you perceive to be having more or better ones. It’s also easy for this girl to wish she had as many now as she had when she and Grimly were seeing each other less. That happens though in long distance relationships everything gets condensed, and you do go bonkers when you see each other.

People do generally always want what someone else is having, and not just about orgasms, about relationships in general. Often looking at other blogs, or even talking to friends kink and even work colleagues its easy to feel jealous of something good someone else has in their relationship, or that is perceived to be good or better.

The thing is though, the grass isn’t greener.

This girl is reminded of that every now and again, especially when someone comes over and they look in awe and wonderment and everything that Grimly has built and accumulated over the years in pursuit of ensuring people he/she/they play with have fun. Ultimately though the things that he has taken time over and put energy and imagination into are all for the fantasies that he has that involve her.

So perhaps this girl doesn’t want what someone else is having.

She’ll stick with what she’s got thankyou very much 🙂 Even if sometimes she has to be a little patient to have that at its full potential.

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11 thoughts on ““I’ll have what she’s having”

  1. My wife and I have had a similar situation since we got married and moved in together. We are super happy but the kink is not nearly what it used to be. I’ve noticed that things in life tend to ebb and flow and on occasion it can be a while before things come back. I wish you the best during your difficult family times and know that it will get better!!

  2. I love the whole brain washing mask idea, but you hit a key point I think I have missed. Now that we are together 24/7 things do change. It is like living in the wardrobe and not having it be some far off place you can visit at you leisure. Now you notice the socks on the floor and the various things that otherwise would be over looked because you had limited time together. Or at least that is my case.
    Thank you for sharing, this has really got me thinking,

  3. This is a very interesting read, to see how you have come to orgasm more and how you can orgasm from just one word. I, for one, believe that it’s possible and I would love to achieve that too. Also, over here too life sometimes happens and makes us move away from D/s for some time, but we always return to it. When we moved away from it the first time, I panicked, but nowadays I understand that sometimes family issues or work is just more important.

    Thanks for a very nice read 🙂

    Rebel xox

  4. Well, if you would go and challenge Grimly like that…facepalm!
    Still think that brainwashing mask looks awesome, and hopefully some day I’ll find out for myself!

  5. Gotta luv the concept of mind control, you’re right though, it definately comes down to belief. I guesd my problem is i’m not entirely sure I believe, is more wishful thinking on my behalf I think.

  6. I think it is time for retraining Grimly. The thing is that also requires time to be able to do that and an extended weekend with real life in the way is probably not as available as you would like. One suggestion would be to do some transitioning activities that could help get you primed and ready for the Grimly onslaught in the attic. Things like getting a call at work to get a Grimly prepared kit bag from the car and dress as an underlayer for your drive home, or an impromptu kidnapping where you get thrown into the car( or the boot) for a blind drive around to the collectors “lair”. It hard to be doing the dinner dishes and suddenly go right to play ( unless you are doing the dishes in ballet boots and a maids outfit)

  7. For us actually being together 24/7 has increased the D/s element of our life. There is no longer the need for us to be ‘at it’ all the time as he is not about to leave any moment, like before. Now it can slowly simmer all the time. I think the key is finding a balance that works for you both


  8. Thank you for admitting what you did! Some people want to convince me that BDSM is about freely choosing things you like, but you admit that a part of you “needed”/needed a scenario where you have no choice, where you did not choose.
    And people call me a bigot when I call those who give the pain and control in BDSM evil, but here you admit he is an “evil brainwashing bastard.”
    I agree: BDSM is not about bottoms freely choosing activities they like and those who cause the pain can be evil.

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