No no no yes no no YES

The subject of this weeks Wicked Wednesday post is NO. This girl hasn’t participated in Wicked Wednesday before but this subject got her thinking πŸ™‚Β 

Ok ok so the title is a reference to a character in a British sitcom…but it fits what she wants to say.

no11

It’s a big word in BDSM. Right from the beginning of a BDSM and/or D/s relationship things have to be negotiated. Do you want to do this? Can I do that? Everyone has things that really they don’t want to do, or maybe that they just don’t want to do then. Β This girl also read an interesting thread on fetlife recently about whether submissives/slaves should be able to say no and whether it means more if they do things they *would* otherwise say no to out of submission.

When this girl first met Grimly she told him there were things she didn’t want to do. She didn’t feel comfortable with hoods, masks or gags and she didn’t want him to give her an orgasm. Well she told him he *couldn’t* because she wouldn’t partly because she knew it was usually quite difficult for her to have one and also perhaps it was that old proverbial gauntlet being thrown down thing. This girl doesn’t remember too much of what she discussed with Grimly other than ‘i’d like to try that , that and that’ and he didn’t really introduce anything then that made her want to consider safewording or asking him to stop. He did make her orgasm, and well, maybe that’s the reason she kept going back πŸ˜‰

Over the years Grimly hasn’t done anything that has made her want to scream to stop and for him to actually stop. There have been times when she’s had issues with things, and she’s had to mention things to him like ‘this doesn’t work right now because…..’ but she hasn’t had to ever stop something completely and *meant* no. Β She might have thought she meant it at the time though if that Β makes sense.

It’s part of an almost natural reaction for her sometimes to say no and to scream and make noise during a session and plead with him over things that she loves to hate unless of course he’s taken added precautions to stop that being possible πŸ˜‰ She’s not going to say what those things are, because, well it might remind him! Ultimately though with some things for him to keep going despite it hurting is more erotic than if it were easier.

This girl also likes the challenge and the conquer. To perhaps not want what he is thinking of doing to her at the time, but for him to use bondage and strength to do it anyway. It goes without saying she is more masochist than submissive. if submissive at all. At least, she doesn’t feel submissive lately. Masochist yes. Dominant sometimes, submissive, hmm, maybe not. Its hard to feel submissive though when there are so many things going on where she has to fight and be assertive – not with Grimly, just with family and work. That’s not to say it isn’t possible to be assertive in some parts of life and passive in others, but its just sometimes difficult making the transition after a day at the coalface. At the moment really the main time Β this girl will say no to him is when he might say ‘do you fancy playing’ because lately her mind isn’t on it and she isn’t sure when it will be. It’s the same for him though. With family issues at the moment finding times when both this girl and Grimly are in the mood for bdsm at the same time is very rare. It’s just finding a moment when his yes matches hers, rather than a no, maybe later being involved.

Going back to the point though, this girl hasn’t ever felt really forced to do things by him. She hasn’t felt she’s been doing things *just* because he’s put her into a situation where she’s had to. Perhaps this is just relationship compatibility. He isn’t going to ask her to do something like drink his piss – which she would say no to. It’s not his kink and its not hers. This girl’s ex tried that with her,and other things she didn’t want, and it just was horrible. it didn’t make her feel more submissive by doing the things either, it just made her feel less valued,humiliated and bullied. There’s a fine line of course though between being ‘encouraged’ into something in a sort of semi-consenual way and being forced into it and then going through with it to avoid misery and upset.

Some things over the years she’s said that she’s not sure of . He’s not forced those points, like with hoods and gas masks for instance, but introduced them slowly and in fun sessions to that she could see them as a turn on rather than a problem. Looking back over the years this girl has experienced many things that her 23 year old self would have shuddered at or hidden from, and perhaps as a result of being able to explore her kink so much she’s entirely much more confident as a person.

It’s odd. Lately this girl has felt she’s been saying (either verbally or by body language) no to D/s and to BDSM a lot. That feeling isn’t going to last, there is going to be a time when things settle down and its yes yes yes and more. For the moment though it is a bit like she can’t detach enough from life to escape into kink and the priority is supporting the family.

The thing is though if she asked Grimly the question ‘do you wish you hadn’t met me’ or ‘do you wish you were somewhere else with someone else’ he would always say no without thinking about it. At the moment this girl is feeling very loved and very valued by being able to support the family through what is just now a very stressful time, and also by here and there doing little things that might improve life. Kink, just doesn’t seem to matter. Knowing Grimly is content is her main concern whether that be by doing nilla stuff for him or by it being kinky.

But no, this current situation won’t always be the case and stolen moments will certainly pop up here and there it’s just hard right now to throw into kink the intensity this girl and Grimly would normally like to devote to it.

Ultimately this girl needs to somehow have that feeling of being conquered back, of feeling as though she cant say no even if she wanted to. That should happen once both she and Grimly are less mentally exhausted than right now.

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20 thoughts on “No no no yes no no YES

  1. I’ve only had to say no twice, over all the years. One was when someone inverted me, I felt myself passing out, so put a stop to that quickly. Other was when someone was simply when they were seeing just how much electrics I could take before saying no. So that was a fait accompli lol… I took quite a lot btw πŸ™‚

  2. I chuckled at the title of this piece as even though I’m an American I know exactly which sitcom this is from. I think most no’s can be worked with unless they are super hard limits. Communication is always the key. πŸ™‚

  3. Great post. It all boils down to you must have trust,now the person and honest communication.Hope all the family issues iron them self out. I was in your city the first time since 1989. You live in a great city,It has changed it was a fantastic 2 days there.

  4. First of all, a huge welcome to Wicked Wednesday!

    I know all about how family issues can take you away from BDSM. Sometimes it’s very frustrating and sometimes it’s just okay and you know you will get back to it again, when the time is right. I hope your family issues will be solved soon and that both of you will be able to say yes at the same time again!

    Rebel xox

    PS: Can you change Wanton to Wicked just above the Wicked Wednesday button? πŸ™‚

  5. AS always i find myself nodding along to your posts, even though our kinks are so different. In fact when you mentioned watersports thats exatly how i feel about the full body stuff! You write so wonderfully and with such insight.
    i hope your family stuff gets sorted and think grimly sounds like the supportive partner you need πŸ™‚

  6. Great post! Family matters can weigh a lot; hope that stressful time passes quickly for you both and you can have a chance to rest and recharge!

    ~Kazi xxx

  7. Again I read this post with a lot of interest, understanding exactly what you mean. So many thoughts popped up when I read this that they would be too many to write down here and clutter this space. Maybe one day we’ll discuss them elsewhere πŸ™‚ Great post

  8. Stevie, I don’t understand people who play as though they’re trying to break the person in some way. It just doesn’t make sense to me, also when i’m in a dominant role its more challenging for me to explore levels myself rather than the bottom having to tell me.

    msbunnywhite thanks for your comment, I agree communication is just so important. Early on in our relationship i found it difficult, now I don’t shut up, good job we have a drawer of gags πŸ˜‰

    Keith, so you were in Glasgow and you didn’t even bother to tell me? hmmph I”m going to sulk at you.

    Rebel, thanks for your comment. Its fixed I was just in such a rush to post it whilst it was still wednesday! lol

    Jemina, thanks πŸ™‚ At the moment we’re needing to support each other, since we both have things going on that we have to deal with as a partnership. I’m glad I have him, but I’m equally glad he has me πŸ˜‰

    KaziG, thanks for your comment.

    daedae, were you thinking ‘WELL. I did say NO to the damn peanut butter” LOL

  9. Sorry next time Im there i will give you a call. This time was not planned and i was with a group of Hungarian friends

  10. I like that for a saying but very political. But you can pull it off

  11. This is an amazing blog entry because it speaks volumes to me about how things were with my wife and I when we first met.

    She was a bit of a novice, albeit with a healthy interest in BDSM. I had a wealth of experience (as well as toys) and when we first met there were many things she was not ready for.

    Hoods scared her…being gagged too thoroughly scared her…the thought of being wrapped up or encased scared her…breath play scared her…

    So I took all that to heart and only said I’d like to try things out in a controlled manner to see if she could handle them. A sensory deprivation hood was too much for her, she freaked out. But now I can zip her up into a pvc hood with only nose holes and she loves it.

    She loves being wrapped up and especially loves our new sleep sack. She’s grown to enjoy some forms of breath play…although a big part of that is her saying “I can feel how much harder you get when you do it to me”

    But your post here really hits home for us. She’s stressed a desire to be pushed, to push her limits and try things that she’d rather not do if given the choice. She wants to push through and find that special place…maybe sub space…but somewhere beyond what she thought was possible.

    As always, your words sing to us. (I’m on FL…CJBondage…happy to have spoken with you there)

  12. Would you ever elaborate on how Grimly eased you into hoods/masks and gags??
    Great posts by the way and I hope that you and your family is ok!

  13. daedae, dont blame you

    CJ, thanks for getting in touch πŸ™‚

    Ryan, I might have posted about this already I can’t remember, I’ll revisit this soon though for you πŸ™‚

  14. Glad I stumbled upon your site and particularly this post. I am having my first ‘relationship’ as a slave (mostly for kinky sex and gratification to and from my Master). This would not be possible for me except for the fact that we were both sexually electrifying to each other the first time we met (through a mutual friend one evening while going out to dinner with this mutual friend). There was always the sexual attraction every time we’d run into each other. Well, it turned into our relationship as Master and slave. I’m in ecstasy the times we are together and I yearn for the next time we’ll meet.

    At any rate when you mentioned “relationship compatibility” that hit home with me. You see, we are extremely compatible as friends. I trust him and feel safe with him. When my Master first brought up the subject of white slavery to be honest I wasn’t sure exactly what it meant, but I was game to try it. Long story short here we are today in the (sexual role) of Master and slave. Nothing extreme but very kinky. And he has never made me do anything I didn’t want to do. There is an unspoken mutual respect. In fact, I think I’ve surprised him by my veracity to please him in ways that he never experienced before.

    Anyway, what I’m getting at is the fact that trust and safety are key. They are what have allowed me to experience things I never would have thought possible for me. Looking back, those two things are not something I’ve ever entirely had in all of my previous (straight) relationships. I never enjoyed any man going down on me. I felt vulnerable. But with my Master I have never felt more comfortable in my life.

    You’ll have to excuse my rambling. But it feels great to talk about our relationship such that it is. I’ve tried with a couple of close friends. One (who happens to be a lesbian) understands me and the other one is completely and utterly mystified. Don’t get me wrong. She doesn’t judge me. But it’s just not something that I’ve ever been able to explain to her.

    So, just thanks…

  15. hi Jennifer i’m glad you found my blog but more pleased that you found someone you can explore your fantasies with πŸ™‚ There are a lot predatory men on the scene to find one who is patient and fun and caring is worth a great deal. Please drop me a line if ever you want to talk about it πŸ™‚

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