The subject of this weeks Wicked Wednesday post is NO. This girl hasn’t participated in Wicked Wednesday before but this subject got her thinking 🙂
Ok ok so the title is a reference to a character in a British sitcom…but it fits what she wants to say.
It’s a big word in BDSM. Right from the beginning of a BDSM and/or D/s relationship things have to be negotiated. Do you want to do this? Can I do that? Everyone has things that really they don’t want to do, or maybe that they just don’t want to do then. This girl also read an interesting thread on fetlife recently about whether submissives/slaves should be able to say no and whether it means more if they do things they *would* otherwise say no to out of submission.
When this girl first met Grimly she told him there were things she didn’t want to do. She didn’t feel comfortable with hoods, masks or gags and she didn’t want him to give her an orgasm. Well she told him he *couldn’t* because she wouldn’t partly because she knew it was usually quite difficult for her to have one and also perhaps it was that old proverbial gauntlet being thrown down thing. This girl doesn’t remember too much of what she discussed with Grimly other than ‘i’d like to try that , that and that’ and he didn’t really introduce anything then that made her want to consider safewording or asking him to stop. He did make her orgasm, and well, maybe that’s the reason she kept going back 😉
Over the years Grimly hasn’t done anything that has made her want to scream to stop and for him to actually stop. There have been times when she’s had issues with things, and she’s had to mention things to him like ‘this doesn’t work right now because…..’ but she hasn’t had to ever stop something completely and *meant* no. She might have thought she meant it at the time though if that makes sense.
It’s part of an almost natural reaction for her sometimes to say no and to scream and make noise during a session and plead with him over things that she loves to hate unless of course he’s taken added precautions to stop that being possible 😉 She’s not going to say what those things are, because, well it might remind him! Ultimately though with some things for him to keep going despite it hurting is more erotic than if it were easier.
This girl also likes the challenge and the conquer. To perhaps not want what he is thinking of doing to her at the time, but for him to use bondage and strength to do it anyway. It goes without saying she is more masochist than submissive. if submissive at all. At least, she doesn’t feel submissive lately. Masochist yes. Dominant sometimes, submissive, hmm, maybe not. Its hard to feel submissive though when there are so many things going on where she has to fight and be assertive – not with Grimly, just with family and work. That’s not to say it isn’t possible to be assertive in some parts of life and passive in others, but its just sometimes difficult making the transition after a day at the coalface. At the moment really the main time this girl will say no to him is when he might say ‘do you fancy playing’ because lately her mind isn’t on it and she isn’t sure when it will be. It’s the same for him though. With family issues at the moment finding times when both this girl and Grimly are in the mood for bdsm at the same time is very rare. It’s just finding a moment when his yes matches hers, rather than a no, maybe later being involved.
Going back to the point though, this girl hasn’t ever felt really forced to do things by him. She hasn’t felt she’s been doing things *just* because he’s put her into a situation where she’s had to. Perhaps this is just relationship compatibility. He isn’t going to ask her to do something like drink his piss – which she would say no to. It’s not his kink and its not hers. This girl’s ex tried that with her,and other things she didn’t want, and it just was horrible. it didn’t make her feel more submissive by doing the things either, it just made her feel less valued,humiliated and bullied. There’s a fine line of course though between being ‘encouraged’ into something in a sort of semi-consenual way and being forced into it and then going through with it to avoid misery and upset.
Some things over the years she’s said that she’s not sure of . He’s not forced those points, like with hoods and gas masks for instance, but introduced them slowly and in fun sessions to that she could see them as a turn on rather than a problem. Looking back over the years this girl has experienced many things that her 23 year old self would have shuddered at or hidden from, and perhaps as a result of being able to explore her kink so much she’s entirely much more confident as a person.
It’s odd. Lately this girl has felt she’s been saying (either verbally or by body language) no to D/s and to BDSM a lot. That feeling isn’t going to last, there is going to be a time when things settle down and its yes yes yes and more. For the moment though it is a bit like she can’t detach enough from life to escape into kink and the priority is supporting the family.
The thing is though if she asked Grimly the question ‘do you wish you hadn’t met me’ or ‘do you wish you were somewhere else with someone else’ he would always say no without thinking about it. At the moment this girl is feeling very loved and very valued by being able to support the family through what is just now a very stressful time, and also by here and there doing little things that might improve life. Kink, just doesn’t seem to matter. Knowing Grimly is content is her main concern whether that be by doing nilla stuff for him or by it being kinky.
But no, this current situation won’t always be the case and stolen moments will certainly pop up here and there it’s just hard right now to throw into kink the intensity this girl and Grimly would normally like to devote to it.
Ultimately this girl needs to somehow have that feeling of being conquered back, of feeling as though she cant say no even if she wanted to. That should happen once both she and Grimly are less mentally exhausted than right now.
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