Submissive Guide Blog Hop Challenge #17 – How Do You Find a Dominant?

Submissive Challenge #17

How Do You Find a Dominant?

Where do you go to find available Dominants? Are they hard to find?

What are some online sources for single Dominants?

What are some face-to-face sources for single Dominants?

What should you ask a potential Dominant when you are getting to know them?

This girl found her dom, Grimly, on the (now closed) British website Informed Consent. He had written a blog on there which had resonated with her and then she found he was online so dropped him a line to say hello, the rest as they say, is history. Informed Consent was a good resource for being able to read people’s thoughts and also to search personals in the UK and Europe. It is a shame it has closed however there are of course alternatives such as Fetlife, collar-me and a few british sites similar to Informed Consent like the new site strangely normal.

Before Grimly, this girl met her previous partner on an adult themed yahoo chat room. She had a cheesy descriptive yahoo nick and so did he. She chatted with him, then phoned, then met up, the rest of the ensuing disaster is ANCIENT history! 😉 That’s not to say meeting people that way is bad or wrong it just ended up not being the right relationship for her.

Over the years this girl has played with other doms though not really that frequently.  On one occasion she met and paid for a pro dominatrix as she wanted to experience the ambience of a professional dungeon complete with sconces on the walls and torture equipment and she found out the details of the dungeon by knowing someone who had also been a client there and who had recommended it.

Other doms she’s played with (for the majority – female) have been just personal friends that she’s already known in some other context such as from meeting at a munch or at a club. Really that is the best way of meeting people, getting out there, talking, sharing ideas and seeing if there is a spark.

She met people like JG Leathers through mutual reputation and then chat. JG had contacted Grimly on flickr and then conversations and emails followed and then eventually an invite for a visit. It goes to show sometimes showing off and having an internet presence will attract interest from all sorts of diverse characters!

Of course, from the other side of the coin this girl has also at times been the dominant that the submissive has maybe been looking for . This girl’s first ever submissive found her through a profile she had set up on (which seems a lot less popular now as a website?) and then met her at a fetish event. Another submissive she had a meaningful d/s relationship with met her at a club as a sort of blind play date. Anyone else this girl has played with since has either been through being at the same event and talking and stuff happening, or by contact through her blog or through fetlife.

Overall, this girl would say the internet is a good place to start. The likes of fetlife and other sites. This girl doesn’t see the appeal of collar me but there are many people who have met life partners through there too.

This girl has been into BDSM now for over 12 years and she has found the best way of meeting play partners (or more?)  is by going to events and talking to people, sussing them out, seeing if they are interested  and if she is interested in them. Her local area (central scotland) is good for munches and club events so in this area its quite easy, though , this girl has been to events further away from home as well. She has also tried to encourage friends she meets to make friends with other friends, sort of an extended network, and sometimes that has led to people playing with each other. This girl’s local area also recently started a ‘single’s munch’ so there are events that cater for hook-ups 🙂

Whenever this girl meets someone new ultimately she wants to know if she relate to them as a person and as a potential long lasting friend before play even gets discussed and certainly before D/s is considered. Play is one thing, a meaningful long term D/s relationship is something completely different.  There needs to be that x factor, rapport and chemistry.

In the case of developing something beyond play and D/s there perhaps needs to be a shared understanding and shared goals. Do both people want the relationship to go in the same direction? Does it need to be negotiated?

When meeting a Dominant obviously there are a lot of things you can ask. The most common of course would be questions relating to their fetishes and D/s styles to see if there is perhaps compatibility, but then the conversation might continue to all manner of subjects about their life, what they do,what they’ve experienced, what their aspirations and fantasies are. For this girl, getting to know a dom, or a sub, is no different to getting know anyone else, you see if there’s enough interest to learn more, then make as much effort to do so to learn about the person to build a friendship, relationship and /or lasting D/s connection.

If you want to participate in the Submissive Guide Blog hop today – please see the rules over at

Please also read other contributors thoughts on the subject here :-


2 thoughts on “Submissive Guide Blog Hop Challenge #17 – How Do You Find a Dominant?

  1. It is interesting to me despite the differences in our kinky lives, that in the end, both of us believe you have to take the time and put the effort into developing a relationship with other people. Unless it is a casual play experience, it takes some disasters and a willingness to get out there without that hint of desperation and desire for instant gratification and just allowing friendship to develop. I am glad I wasn’t the only responder, lol.

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