Recently Grimly helped out with an electricity demo in Glasgow at an alternative art gallery, his half of the demo was demonstrating e-stim type electrics whilst another friend did a violet wand demo. This girl had been talking about the demo to a friend who made the faux pas or possibly almost freudian slip of calling the violet wand a violent want instead.
Now this particular friend perhaps does have a few violent wants, but don’t many people who are into BDSM? This girl certainly does. Certainly she has more interest in violent wants than in violet wands.
Violet wands have their uses but generally they make bdsm look pretty in the sort of way that fireworks look pretty.They give that sort of ooh, aah reaction but can be just a little bit dangerous in the wrong hands. However, a masochist can be dangerous in the wrong hands.
This girl knows that pretty well. Really this whole business has always been about the pursuit of that adventure of trying different sensations and experiences to see what they do both to mind and body. Sometimes that adventure has been safe sometimes its been dangerous but usually it has been someplace in between. In this sense there have been times when this girl has been scared enough to be on edge but relaxed enough around the person to know that she is safe and therefore able to enjoy the fear . On edge and fearful and yet completely safe and well, she hopes people have felt the same way about her, scared enough at the time to enjoy the adrenaline of fear and excitement and yet not so much that the fear takes away the pleasure.
This girl isn’t into BDSM because it looks pretty or sparkly.
She is into BDSM because she has deep,dark and deprived fantasies and has found a partner and friends who can help her bring those to life.
This girl’s earliest fantasies were always of dungeons, of torture and interrogation, of non consensual slavery, or sometimes of being sold and not having a choice in what happens.
Ok so the reality is much cleaner and safer than that. It has to be but that doesn’t stop the fantasy from being just what it is.
All of this girls earliest fantasies were violent. Being captured, resisting the capture and being manhandled until immobile and then conquered with bondage and torture. The submission never really came naturally in any of those fantasies, it was always taken, she was also the conquered heroine still feisty yet momentarily tamed because the bondage restricted her options or because the person controlling the dynamic gave her no alternative.
With reality the fantasies got broader, submission sometimes being given instead of taken and being implied sometimes in the background as it is now. Though sometimes its not. Sometimes it feels as though its meant to be…othertimes…well it doesn’t.
Perhaps its just not as sexy to fantasize about being obedient as it is to fantasize about all that other stuff.
Though she does fantasize about having that, and also about people obeying her too. Some people this girl knows or reads about seem to have that whole obedience/natural submission thing worked out. It seems to look natural, relaxed, easy. Probably in most cases it’s not easy at all but a lot of people seem to give that appearance.
It’s never been that easy for this girl to be obedient or to submit to Grimly every time he asks something of her. This girl could give a million reasons for that things get in the way, work, real-life, a thousand things that spoil the dynamic and make it feel so hard to get into the head space, but ultimately submissive isn’t probably what she ever wanted to be. At least, not all the time. Maybe she just got that confused with something more animal.
At the moment it feels sort of patchy and a bit broken, and perhaps it actually always was.
Perhaps that’s being a bit too honest to say on a sort of D/s blog that perhaps the s isn’t there and maybe never was.
But this is how it is. Maybe one of these days it will all fit together better, but things have changed with living together all the time its like the reality of everything else going on just sort of well….it sort of makes the fantasy less believable.
In a long distance relationship it was easier to believe in the fantasy both the physical and also the mental head space of submission, seeing him was separate to real life and everything else that goes on day-to-day – going to work, worrying about the bills, getting up and coming home in the dark and in the rain. The line between reality and fantasy has got sort of blurred to the point where normal life has sort of taken over way too much and at the moment its easier to concentrate on those violent wants rather than the head space stuff or lack of it.
Head space is a much more difficult thing to sort out.