On the safe side

The monthly blog challenge on Submissive Guide today is :

Do you have a safeword? When was the last time you used it? Are you afraid to say your safeword for fear of appearing weak? What are you indicators that a scene has gone too far and you need to safeword?

This girl does not currently have a safeword with either Grimly or with any submissives she’s played with as Dominant on any sort of regular basis. Her thoughts on this subject have not really changed much from this post she wrote in 2008.

There are reasons for that.

The main one is of course communication overall is more valued than just one single word. Both verbal and non verbal communication are important. If this girl feels something is not right in a scene then she can say so to Grimly and he will take action, he might not take action right away if he thinks she’s ‘at it’ or that she can take more but if it’s a genuine problem or concern then he will stop or adjust whatever he is doing. Likewise if the scene is just not working then he’ll pick up from her body language without her having to breathe a word.

Also, if he was to stop everything if she safe-worded then it gives her greater control to the scene than her dominant, she says when it ends, not him. That wouldn’t seem right. Generally, Grimly’s endings to sessions are much more interesting – since he will build up things and add layers of bondage and build up the intensity until a massive wave of orgasms wash over her 😉

There are times of course during play when this girl will beg and plead and cry and ask him to stop and he will carry on. He knows her body well enough that he knows generally what she can take and how long she can endure things for better than she can and he is good at judging how long to let something go on for before changing it to something different or stopping. Sometimes begging something to stop is actually begging for more. How does he know the difference? Well perhaps her eyes say it, or how wet she is, or a million other little clues some subtle..some well not so subtle!

How safe are safe words anyway? If a dominant really was  a dangerous man saying red or pineapple or the name of the place in Wales with the stupidly long name isn’t going to help.

That is not to say that safe words don’t have value sometimes and for some people they work when a clear signal is needed at a specific moment. They are extremely useful when playing with someone new. This girl was part of a scene a few months ago where she was co topping someone new and the girl she was playing with safe worded amber because she was enjoying the scene but not one specific thing and wanted a minute to explain why and then to continue. In those situations where knowledge of the submissive is not great then it is handy to have something like the traffic light signals in place to avoid confusion as to whether a scream or a sob is a good one or a bad one.

Some people seem to have different reasons for using safe words. This girl has come across doms who have said ‘i will keep going and i will not stop until you safe word’ as though they want to push and push and increase the intensity until the submissive breaks completely. That would be dangerous with this girl on the receiving end, since she wouldn’t want to give in and she would fight to the end and not probably enjoy the scene at all, but then its unlikely that these days she would play in that sort of scenario.

She used to do 1-2-1 corporal punishment sessions as a pro spankee and she once played with a guy who wanted to spank her and cane her until she cried. Crying in some senses can have a similar significance to safe wording, it can mean other things too but in some cases it can be a sort of pivotal point of the scene. She knew the guy quite well but she had decided she was determined he wouldn’t make her cry. Something about her that day said no she didn’t want to. So she went on with it and on until her backside was red and black and purple and blue and caned so much that it just hurt but what hurt more was the build up of emotion and not releasing it. Eventually she did release it though because he was a paying client it was what he wanted and physically she couldn’t go on, or perhaps she could go on a little but emotionally it wouldn’t have been right. In that case the scene did go much further than it should have. Partly this girl’s reasons for continuing with it were pride, stubbornness, ego, all sorts of things muddled in. It’s a bit hard to explain other than that.

When she is dominant this girl hopes that the submissives she has/will play with are confident enough that they can express themselves and enjoy it. There’s no point in enduring something that isn’t being pleasurable. Not every BDSM session works, sometimes something that is perfectly fine one day isn’t another for a logical reason or for a  notion that gets in the head that is irrational but feels rational at the time. For instance this girl used to have a fear of hoods – now – she loves them, but at first if someone put one on her it would totally freak her out. However a lot of that was to do with not having found someone she trusted enough to play with intensely which changed with meeting Grimly. Well really it all goes back to the fact that communicating with each other is the most important thing.

When has a scene gone too far? Well in short when one or both parties are no longer enjoying it. It might because of physical discomfort it might be because the headspace isn’t right, but its better to talk about it than to bottle it up. This girl likes to think that especially when she’s on the giving end that she’ll notice a problem in a scene before it becomes unbearable for the recipient, hearing a safe word doesn’t make her feel good. It sort of makes her feel as though she’s misread the situation or missed something that she should have noticed, or that the submissive she’s playing with doesn’t feel comfortable enough with her to be honest to just say what the problem is at a point when it can perhaps be rectified in a way that doesn’t disjoint or stop the scene. Luckily though it hasn’t really happened that way so far.

Likewise a scene with Grimly has never continued past the point of something being wrong. He just doesn’t let that happen. Perhaps it’s because he’s got a health and safety head on his shoulders but more so because he wouldn’t do anything to cause emotional harm to the woman he loves.

He may be a bit mad and bad and dangerous in many ways but she always feels safe in his hands, and she hopes that others feel the same way in hers.

Please check out some of the other entries on this subject on the challenge- to date they are :-


1. tori 4. hisnaughtygirl 7. Co Co
2. bonimiss 5. this girl
3. Joolz 6. ted_ subby


14 thoughts on “On the safe side

  1. Very interesting perspective. Thank you for going into details.

    “How does he know the difference? Well perhaps her eyes say it, or how wet she is, or a million other little clues some subtle..some well not so subtle!”

    Just speaking for myself, I don’t think there is any way my dominant wife would be able to tell the difference. Once the pain gets more than just mild, I am no longer physically aroused, and at a moderate level I yell in pain and sincerely beg for it to stop, even though deep inside I love it. So if my wife looks into my eyes or any place else I am really asking for it to stop but in reality I love that it continues.

    It’s probably because I am not a masochist in the sense that I do not enjoy the pain itself, I enjoy the sense of cruel victimization I feel under my wife’s (consensual) torture. So I hate the pain while it is occurring but I love that it occurs. The dynamic works differently for everyone, though.

  2. Have been given safe words in the past, but never used them, never felt the need. I know one thing, I certainly wouldnt need one with either of you two, and thats before you brainwash me to feel that way lol!

  3. I really liked this perhaps because i could identify with it especially about relinquishing control completley, i didnt mention that in my post but yes thats certainly a huge factor for me on why i wanted to give it up…..i didnt and dont want any way of getting out of something.

    Its not just about the trust although that is very important, i guess its how our individual minds work, i get off on enduring and being pushed, i concede that there are times i havent enjoyed whats happening at the time but afterwards im on a high and its worth it.

  4. Going completley off topic, but i have just been browsing your gallery (because im nosy) and i love the ones of ‘pony play’ its something that really interest me but alas my Master not at all so its something i dont think i will ever experience.

    I think i like the appeal of escaping into being something else in my head, which i generally acheive through objectification, is it similar?

  5. Your focus on communication is really what I went on and on about in my blog entry and I simply needed to say “Communicate!”, lol. And I think it is the growth in how 2 people relate to each other and knowing that other person’s body language, etc. I don’t play with other people but I know my safe word would mean something totally different with another person. But I know Sir reads me extremely well since even when I try to hide something and use my best poker face, he sees right through it to my consternation.

  6. I think the understanding i have with my Sir is that he would rather identify the need to change something about what we are doing than go so far that i would feel the need to safeword. Communication and trust are really important, but so are pushing limits and allowing them to Dominate. Great post.

  7. Ted, thanks for your comment i’m a much a masochist as i am a submissive, well more so actually. That’s not to say there aren’t some types of pain i love to hate but get turned on by anyway. I think compatibility helps too Grimly and I are such a good match for each other in what we like and what we don’t 🙂

    stevie, you never know lol

    tori, totally agree with you to add to really what i said in my post I think i just need to feel the choices aren’t mine any more and that what will happen will happen anyway, but also that he knows me well enough that i will still be okay at the end of it emotionally and physically, perhaps in a sort of collapsed half spaced mess but still okay 🙂

    bonimiss, i think the most rewarding play i’ve had has been with Grimly just because we’ve been together so long, sometimes playing with others is fun but its not the same since that same ‘knowledge’ isn’t there to the same extent. Also at the start of our relationship I struggled to communicate with him just because I was scared of admitting my fantasies but was really only losing out to myself with that one, it takes time i think to be able to share things so deep but worth it absolutely 🙂

    joolz, agreed 🙂 and thanks for your comment :))

  8. thisgirl: Thanks, that makes sense. I think the strong compatibility is key and also that you are so flexible in the types of pain you enjoy and can take. Being somewhat new to experiencing BDSM pain and also having a low threshold for pain like I do makes it difficult to trust fully but I am beginning to understand the dynamic of having that trust from your post and from the others.

  9. tori, regards pony play yes it is another form of escapism and fantasy for me. I think the reason why I like it so much is because its the combination of strict bondage and control (i.e. i can only see and move where he wants) and the role play. I haven’t really had much chance to do it very intensely though since folsom street last year which was an absolute blast! 🙂

    ted, threshold does change. Things that bruised me several years ago don’t now. Sometimes thats a good thing in that it means more can be taken, but also sometimes its bad because its also nice to have marks. Somewhere there is a happy medium 🙂

  10. thisgirl: Thanks that is good to know that threshold does change. I’m such a wimp now that it can only go upwards lol. Pony play sounds like a lot of fun, I love to be controlled and the playful aspect of it seems great.

  11. ted, it is really good. bondage and bdsm isn’t always about the pain i don’t think, sometimes restraint can be used for control as well, or the bondage itself can be stressful in circumstances where perhaps you don’t get pain if you stay where you’re put, so many different possibilities:)

  12. thanks ‘thisgirl’ for another great post re s-words……..some of us need to really give up that control as that flashes the pain so much better but as you make the point that is something that is best generally with well known partner who know us well……funny though i have done no s-word also with many pro dommes and enjoyed that quite well as many of them do have that ‘sense’ for the border line………fear always is though if playing with someone knew w/o s-words, sooner or later there is going to be a problem so……kind of that quandry of giving up total control vs enhanced safety to some degree….

  13. My apologies for not having commented on your posting before now but Le Maitre has been on his travels and I have been dragged along (happily) in his wake.
    Your analysis of safe words totally matches mine, as I am really inclined to see their use as an example of “topping from the bottom”. I have one but I have never used it with Le Maitre, nor have I used my safe sign for when I can’t speak. In fact I think Le Maitre would be horrified if I did. Of course I am lucky in having a very experienced and aware Master in whom I have total trust, and I sincerely believe that he knows my limits far more accurately than I do.
    In a way I take pride in how he has extended my ability to accept pain during our time together. If I had been encouraged to use my safe word/sign when I thought it was necessary, this would never have happened, as I get scared as much as the next girl and often feel I can’t take any more. Of course I don’t scene with other Dom or Dommes but, with Le Maitre, safe words/signs are redundant and I feel certain we have both benefitted greatly by their being left in the bottom drawer gathering dust.

    Hugs, jane.

  14. westfalen, agreed a lot of people are good at reading body language even with someone new especially if they have experience behind them 🙂 but yeah its a big quandary sometimes 😉

    jane, thanks for your comment 🙂 hugs back to you both.

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