The monthly blog challenge on Submissive Guide today is :
Do you have a safeword? When was the last time you used it? Are you afraid to say your safeword for fear of appearing weak? What are you indicators that a scene has gone too far and you need to safeword?
This girl does not currently have a safeword with either Grimly or with any submissives she’s played with as Dominant on any sort of regular basis. Her thoughts on this subject have not really changed much from this post she wrote in 2008.
There are reasons for that.
The main one is of course communication overall is more valued than just one single word. Both verbal and non verbal communication are important. If this girl feels something is not right in a scene then she can say so to Grimly and he will take action, he might not take action right away if he thinks she’s ‘at it’ or that she can take more but if it’s a genuine problem or concern then he will stop or adjust whatever he is doing. Likewise if the scene is just not working then he’ll pick up from her body language without her having to breathe a word.
Also, if he was to stop everything if she safe-worded then it gives her greater control to the scene than her dominant, she says when it ends, not him. That wouldn’t seem right. Generally, Grimly’s endings to sessions are much more interesting – since he will build up things and add layers of bondage and build up the intensity until a massive wave of orgasms wash over her 😉
There are times of course during play when this girl will beg and plead and cry and ask him to stop and he will carry on. He knows her body well enough that he knows generally what she can take and how long she can endure things for better than she can and he is good at judging how long to let something go on for before changing it to something different or stopping. Sometimes begging something to stop is actually begging for more. How does he know the difference? Well perhaps her eyes say it, or how wet she is, or a million other little clues some subtle..some well not so subtle!
How safe are safe words anyway? If a dominant really was a dangerous man saying red or pineapple or the name of the place in Wales with the stupidly long name isn’t going to help.
That is not to say that safe words don’t have value sometimes and for some people they work when a clear signal is needed at a specific moment. They are extremely useful when playing with someone new. This girl was part of a scene a few months ago where she was co topping someone new and the girl she was playing with safe worded amber because she was enjoying the scene but not one specific thing and wanted a minute to explain why and then to continue. In those situations where knowledge of the submissive is not great then it is handy to have something like the traffic light signals in place to avoid confusion as to whether a scream or a sob is a good one or a bad one.
Some people seem to have different reasons for using safe words. This girl has come across doms who have said ‘i will keep going and i will not stop until you safe word’ as though they want to push and push and increase the intensity until the submissive breaks completely. That would be dangerous with this girl on the receiving end, since she wouldn’t want to give in and she would fight to the end and not probably enjoy the scene at all, but then its unlikely that these days she would play in that sort of scenario.
She used to do 1-2-1 corporal punishment sessions as a pro spankee and she once played with a guy who wanted to spank her and cane her until she cried. Crying in some senses can have a similar significance to safe wording, it can mean other things too but in some cases it can be a sort of pivotal point of the scene. She knew the guy quite well but she had decided she was determined he wouldn’t make her cry. Something about her that day said no she didn’t want to. So she went on with it and on until her backside was red and black and purple and blue and caned so much that it just hurt but what hurt more was the build up of emotion and not releasing it. Eventually she did release it though because he was a paying client it was what he wanted and physically she couldn’t go on, or perhaps she could go on a little but emotionally it wouldn’t have been right. In that case the scene did go much further than it should have. Partly this girl’s reasons for continuing with it were pride, stubbornness, ego, all sorts of things muddled in. It’s a bit hard to explain other than that.
When she is dominant this girl hopes that the submissives she has/will play with are confident enough that they can express themselves and enjoy it. There’s no point in enduring something that isn’t being pleasurable. Not every BDSM session works, sometimes something that is perfectly fine one day isn’t another for a logical reason or for a notion that gets in the head that is irrational but feels rational at the time. For instance this girl used to have a fear of hoods – now – she loves them, but at first if someone put one on her it would totally freak her out. However a lot of that was to do with not having found someone she trusted enough to play with intensely which changed with meeting Grimly. Well really it all goes back to the fact that communicating with each other is the most important thing.
When has a scene gone too far? Well in short when one or both parties are no longer enjoying it. It might because of physical discomfort it might be because the headspace isn’t right, but its better to talk about it than to bottle it up. This girl likes to think that especially when she’s on the giving end that she’ll notice a problem in a scene before it becomes unbearable for the recipient, hearing a safe word doesn’t make her feel good. It sort of makes her feel as though she’s misread the situation or missed something that she should have noticed, or that the submissive she’s playing with doesn’t feel comfortable enough with her to be honest to just say what the problem is at a point when it can perhaps be rectified in a way that doesn’t disjoint or stop the scene. Luckily though it hasn’t really happened that way so far.
Likewise a scene with Grimly has never continued past the point of something being wrong. He just doesn’t let that happen. Perhaps it’s because he’s got a health and safety head on his shoulders but more so because he wouldn’t do anything to cause emotional harm to the woman he loves.
He may be a bit mad and bad and dangerous in many ways but she always feels safe in his hands, and she hopes that others feel the same way in hers.
Please check out some of the other entries on this subject on the challenge- to date they are :-