30 days of submission : Day 23

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

This girl is quite happy with most of how her submission is. Grimly’s style of D/s matches her own in so many ways and really the same goals are shared. There isn’t anything that she sees in her own submission that she *does* that dislikes or repels her.

She often feels bad that perhaps there isn’t more to it and of late it has sort of vanished into just a notion in the background of life as opposed to something more full on. This girl sort of wants more from it yet she doesn’t really know how to define that ‘more’ .  All sorts of things have made the first couple of weeks of him living here be very non-D/s. House renovations, this girl working (too much), colds and minor illnesses, and all sorts of other things. However, there have been signs of it just little things that represent just how this girl and Grimly are around each other, but it’s not been at all explicit, just the tiny little things.

Sometimes the tiny little things are enough but sometimes a full on explicit reminder is very nice 😉

Of course there are some things that Grimly would like that this girl is unsure of , or sort of dubious of. For example he has mentioned a few times he’d like her to follow a more rigid dress code and whilst this girl would like to dress a little more femininely than she does it is not always practical when getting ready for work at stupid o’clock. He also a bit more order and control, and well perhaps that will find its own level.

This girl comes across plenty of other submissives, and there are plenty that she envies. That seem to have perhaps more time with their dom and/or more money to go out and buy and do things. Envy is not nice though, its much better to be thankful what you’ve got, though saying that and living by it is of course two very different things! This girl doesn’t really see too much in other peoples’ relationships that repels her. Sometimes she sees something and thinks ‘that’s not for me’ such as relationships that involve poly, or perhaps being loaned out, or fetishes that are sort of on her ice list, but really everyone is entitled to work out whats’ best for them as individuals and if their happiness and content shows than that is all that matters. Sometimes she sees relationships that look a little rigid and rule laced and wonders where the fun is in that, but again those people do always seem to be happy and quite content with their lot.

This girl is still probably to fully discover exactly what it is she wants from her submission really, perhaps that is a strange thing to say so many years on. Perhaps she doesn’t really want anything more than slightly more of what she already has, as in slightly more time with him and less doing work, but perhaps there is more to it than that it is hard to say.

This girl has been resistant to submission plenty of times, when she’s had winter depression, or it has not felt explicit enough for her to feel it and she has sort of began to wonder whether life would be okay without it completely (it wouldn’t) but sometimes these thoughts have passed her head.There have been times too when she has wondered whether it is really a label that fits what she is whether after all really she is perhaps ‘just’ a pain and bondage whore or something of that ilk. Though deep down she knows that it is something she desires, to feel owned, to feel controlled, to be his completely, and yes even to obey.

It’s just working out how to re-jigger balancing submission with how life and the relationship keep evolving.

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