30 days of submission : Day 18

Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

This girl has never lost the ability to have an opinion, it’s just sometimes voicing out loud that she has struggled with.

This girl has always kept her own thoughts, she has never thought a specific way to match the mindset of  a man. Her thoughts are a world of their own and they always have been. Sometimes of course outside influences invade her thoughts, like Grimly with his brainwashing machine but really that has not affected her opinions too much aside from perhaps making her feel more submissive and obedient after a session 😉

There have been times before her relationship with Grimly when she’s worried about expressing her opinion, or about wondering whether her opinions were correct because they have sometimes been in the minority. This is something she worries about in other areas outside relationships i.e. work. Sometimes expressing a minority opinion is hard, though sometimes it’s needed to say ‘hang on a minute it would be better if you did this’ or ‘if you do that it would be a mistake because this and that would happen’. It’s hard to do that, but this girl is getting better at voicing opinions at work than what she was. She’s stopped being the shy and quiet one there.

Her ex wasn’t really all that interested in her opinions, and quite often rubbished them or made her feel stupid, or made her feel as though she was wrong to not feel uber submissive when the relationship wasn’t working and had become all about sucking his cock and paying his bills and not much else. Anyway, he knocked her self-confidence and esteem a lot. Given he totally changed her opinion of D/s and kink from what it was before she met him to what it was at the end of the relationship, she really wasn’t sure whether any of her opinions on the subject were right anymore and therefore really needed to explore kink with someone else. That’s when she met Grimly.

When she met Grimly it was because she wanted to know whether or not her fantasy of being tortured by being tied up and hurt was something that could actually happen or whether the version of d/s and bit of play that she got with her ex was really the best it got. Obviously many years later this girl has realised many of her initial fantasies and many more besides with Grimly’s assistance, cunning and creativity.

The first time this girl played with Grimly she tried a great many things that were new – such as electricity. Whilst she had tried the violet wand she had never tried e-stim. She also had her first go of suspension and also her first time with a fuck machine. Lots of things that were all new and exciting were crammed into one weekend.

And then…after…sitting with coffee he said ‘so how was that?’

Hmm. This girl was speechless. For the first few times playing with Grimly it was really difficult to articulate how it was. It’s not so much that she didn’t have the feelings in her head its just she was afraid perhaps to say them out loud to admit things to someone who could potentially use it to their advantage. This girl isn’t necessarily saying what he would use it for would be bad for her, it could be absolutely the opposite, and really that was what she was afraid of perhaps 😉 At least subconsciously. She was sort of subconsciously worried about what might happen to express all these feelings and fantasies to a man who could act on them, you know, properly.

So, the thing is, communication is important. For him to know where to take the bdsm part of the relationship, and the D/s, and really well, the romance as well she needed to talk to him. About everything. About the important and about the trivial. So it took a long time for her to do that, but gradually she opened up to him and him to her. She started the blog primarily because she has always found it easier to write than to talk, well writing is like talking to yourself, your fingers don’t mentally censor as much as your lips do – well at least this girl’s don’t. Yes there is the delete and the back space button but just sometimes it is generally easier for her and least it was in the beginning.

Gradually the barriers that this girl had subconsciously put up to protect her from the sort of things her ex had done and also to protect her from actually enjoying her own fantasies (yes she’s weird) gradually fell down once she knew it was safe, and that actually talking to him was fun it was interesting and it led to all sorts of possibilities.

Being in a long distance relationship this girl has talked to Grimly a lot. She has written a lot in blogs, in emails, in yahoo chats, telling him her deepest darkest secrets.  Until he moved down here then this girl would speak to him on the phone four or five times and the conversations would be about all sorts of things, well actually mostly not kink, mostly just about the day, about work, all those coupley things. Over the years though this girl has had a great many really good conversations with Grimly, he shares similar attitudes on many topics and on things he doesn’t agree on he is articulate and interesting to talk to. She doesn’t talk to him so much on the phone now, as he is here, in person, now there is as much grinning at each other like idiots as there is talking but perhaps one day that will wear off!

She feels she can talk to him really about anything. He wouldn’t have been the man she picked to marry if it wasn’t that way. Communication is important.

If you don’t speak up then your views aren’t heard. If this girl didn’t tell Grimly something was good then he wouldn’t necessarily do it again, and if she didn’t tell him something was wrong then he might not realise. With any kind of relationship its important to discuss what is good as well as what is bad and to try to learn from each other. Non verbal communication is important too because sometimes talking just isn’t possible, sometimes there’s one of those damn gags in the way!  Of which he has many!

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