What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
Ok so that debate about nature and nurture and all that comes up a lot. To make something very clear this girl does not come from any sort of damaged home or abusive family life. VERY FAR from it. This girl had loving normal parents – who are still married, and who still live in the same family home. Ok, so they are yorkshire people and as such they have their quirks and slightly unusual – but only in an amusing and loving sense, not a harmful one.
Her parents did like holidaying in the UK and visiting castles and the like, so this girl may have got some of her ideas from medieval dungeons and from history, but on the whole not much of it really can be explained by her childhood. In her teens this girl had a history teacher that she had a crush on who went into quite elaborate detail about torture especially electro-torture by the nazis and that was possibly the first time she got aroused by the thought of pain but obviously she didn’t take it for being as arousal at the time! He had a look about him too that made this girl feel relatively week, you know that sort of dom stare thing that some people have going on. Also when this girl was young she had a neighbour around her own age who she played bondage games with but it was innocent and childhood fun, no different to kiss, cuddle and torture and the like – for those that don’t have that game – it’s generally where the boys chase the girls and then if the girls get caught they get to choose between kiss, cuddle and torture dependant on whether they liked the boy or not.
This girl was inspired a lot by films in the past, medieval tortures, scientific experiments, superheroes being bound and tortured and tormented. Most of her earliest fantasies therefore didn’t involve submission as such. For a long time before this girl became away of what BDSM and D/s was she played by herself too but nothing particular complex.
Then came the internet. This girl discovered chat rooms – talked to people – some of them worked out what she was interested in, even though she wasn’t sure herself and pointed her in the direction of a few resources such as Informed Consent, as a result this girl read a lot – got into her head what she thought she wanted, and then took steps into trying to get it.
With hindsight, this girl is not sure whether she has always been wired to being a potential masochist and submissive. Whether her personality was sort of predisposed to it – shy and quiet, and yet, extroverted in the right situations.
This girl did not become submissive to improve a relationship. When she discovered submission properly and learnt about it on the internet she was in a relationship and tried to introduce it. Those attempts failed. The man she was with at the time just simply was not interested, whilst he liked anal sex a lot that was perhaps as non-mainstream as he got. He was fun to be with it, but he wasn’t dominant and he certainly wasn’t a sadist either.
This girl comes across many many people who are dom or sub but have a partner who is not, perhaps sometimes things just work out like that but this girl doesn’t really understand the inability some people have to broach the subject. Sure it is difficult but then isn’t it harder to keep something hidden and secret? This girl sort of worries about people who have relationships where they can’t tell the person they love something that is such a big part of themselves. Perhaps not being in the situation it is harder for her to understand since she has only had one serious relationship that she embarked upon with someone who she wasn’t trying to check was open to it first, but if she ended things with Grimly unless she decided she no longer wanted any of this she would seek the same again and be up front about it, but let’s hope that never has to happen.
Yes. Submission is a sexual thrill, it’s more than that as well but this girl would be lying to say she didn’t get off on it because she does. Being controlled and under his spell turns her on actually more than physical bondage, just don’t tell Grimly that okay ? 😉