Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
This girl has been in a D/s relationship with her dom Grimly for around seven years. Ok so it started as pretty much a bdsm play thing but it developed into a D/s quite quickly as the chemistry and compatibility were both there. Whilst this girl has been doing the D/s and BDSM stuff a long time she does not pretend to know it all, there are always new things to learn and explore together and the relationship has evolved and changed over time and continues to do so.
This girl first met Grimly because she was interested in trying some of the bondage stuff that he had – the dentist chair, the fuck machine, the suspension rigs. Her desire to meet him was very much driven by a very physical need. Though after a few good (pardon the pun) hits of that then she realised her needs went much deeper and she came to realise she desperately needed to belong to him. Cheesy as it sounds, he was the one.
Everyone’s ideas of qualities of what they look for or what they desire in a dominant are going to be different, but for this girl she really really needed someone with a good sense of humour. Anyone without that would want to dispose of her in imaginative ways quite quickly! Grimly instead it seems is in it for the long game 😉 So yes, a sense of humour is key, and a good imagination and a sense of adventure. A good heart is important to, a man who is good but able to be bad in fun ways but not in harmful abusive ones.
These are some of the most important qualities in Grimly, and were qualities her previous relationship lacked. This girl has said it many many times but when BDSM and D/s is new its so easy to fall into a relationship with the wrong person thinking they are the answer to your dreams and fantasies. It’s easy to be naive when dreams look as though they may become real. This girl met her ex dom because she thought he was everything she wanted in a dom, she thought he would give her the physical pleasures and torments that she desired but also control her and use her for his sexual satisfaction and for hers as well. For the first while, because she was her first she didn’t see the areas where things were wrong. From even before meeting, he threatened her with public exposure if she didn’t do what he asked, he used for pretty much on-tap oral sex but did not do much in return. Some people might argue that a true submissive might accept that, but combined with that he became financially dependant on her and with hindsight was a drain on her emotions, confidence and finances to the point where she was scared to leave him because of his threats but also was perhaps afraid of admitting she had been so naive in the first place. Perhaps there is someone out there who could be a happy sub for her ex, but it certainly wasn’t her.
Whilst this girl is happy to be used sometimes, there is a point where being used is no longer erotic and is abusive. Her previous relationship got to thet point and well beyond it, and it took her pretty much years to recover from the financial and emotional mess of it, with Grimly being her main support in all that.
This girl can’t think of a single similarity between Grimly and her ex. Her ex liked oral sex a lot, he very rarely tied her up,he even less rarely gave her any physical stimulation or excitement, he didn’t make it mutually fun. He wanted to be able to whore her out, he wanted to swing, he wanted her to go out and work and support him during the day and be his whore at night. He wanted her to pretty much be her toilet as well, literally and emotionally.
Sure, for some people maybe they could make that a happy situation, but for this girl she just felt that she was never enough. He constantly compared her to other women, he never complimented her, he looked at porn on the internet when she was pleasing him and just generally she felt she could have been a plastic sex doll and he wouldn’t have noticed. He didn’t take the time to get to know her family, or learn about her past, or do anything to help her grow as a person the way Grimly has . Perhaps that makes her sound like a tree or something but seriously Grimly has done wonders for this girl’s confidence and self esteem. Since being with him she has found the exhibitionist parts of her personality coming out more and she is more confident with who she is in all elements of her life – even though that person is well, you know, slightly odd.
For this girl that is perhaps singularly the most important thing in a dominant partner – him being someone who wants the best for the relationship. Him being someone who is supportive and not just someone who wants money and blow jobs.
This girl is not saying her relationship with Grimly is anything better than anyone else has, its certainly not unique, but it more special to her and more loving than her previous attempt at D/s. She feels she can tell Grimly anything and that he will still love her and that he will always be her friend. Being a friend is the most important thing of all, followed by the ability to have good conversations sometimes about something and also sometimes about nothing much. It’s fun being with him, it’s not a chore, which is how she felt about her ex in the end, and it makes her happy when she sees him pleased with her.