This girl read a post on Submissive Guide the other day that Luna had written about emotional baggage.
She was going to be comment but then decided she had too much to say on this subject for it to be just a comment! This girl agrees with quite a lot of what Luna has written and of course it is sensible to start a new relationship with as fresh a slate as possible.
However, generally, it’s difficult to have a clean slate.
If she were looking for a partner, this girl can see how she might look more attractive to be the ideal – beautiful, obedient, trained, no strings attached. Almost as though she was a doll in a shop. Well packaged and perfect, with maybe a note of instructions for the buyer – or at least that might be the fantasy. But hell, this girl is a raggy doll.
The truth is, women, generally, are nearly always flawed. Perhaps this is a sweeping statement but this girl hasn’t met many women that haven’t got some baggage or other. Whether it be stuff that’s happened to them when they’ve grown up, something an ex has put them through, kids, psychological issues, family issues there is nearly always something. People have history. Unless you’ve just finished college and had a squeaky clean upbringing then there is going to be at least one little skeleton in the closet.
This girl has plenty of skeletons, not of course a cemetery full but a few, and there is only so much she can do to keep the door shut to stop the odd fibula or femur poking out!
When she met Grimly she wasn’t really looking to start a new relationship she was only looking for play so she hadn’t even tried to clean up her past. Well, present, actually.
This girl had the baggage of an unhappy relationship, plus she was involved with other people (as domme) and had a lot of issues. After her relationship with her ex boyfriend ended she had a lot of issues too – he stalked her a bit, he left her in a *LOT* of debt and also generally fucked up her confidence greatly. But Grimly had fallen for her anyway, knowing that it would be a bit tricky to work things out.
She was never looking for him to fix everything though. Just to be there. Sometimes support is everything.
Grimly is not without his baggage either. In fact, he maybe doesn’t realise it but it’s because of his baggage that it made this girl want to stop being indecisive and to go ahead with arranging the first meet. She had been over at a mutual friends place by chance the morning of the day she was going to meet him and found this friend knew him. Very well, and this friend had been submissive to someone Grimly used to be in a relationship with. She told this girl what a sweetheart Grimly was, how he was a great guy but had been a bit fucked over by people (that’s the most this girl can share here without it getting overtly personal). Anyway she said things to this girl that made this girl realise that he was just a man beneath the egotistical front of Grimly Feendish ,and probably a very nice one. Though, when she first saw him in full leather in the pub she still wanted to hide! Grimly Feendish is a very convincing front man!
Anyhow, this girl was never trying to fix him or sort him out, apart from once he said ‘i quite like being a hermit and doing my own thing so don’t go trying to charm me’ who was he trying to kid eh? But yeah ,neither Grimly or this girl were trying to fix each other, that wasn’t even something that was ever thought about, because love is about falling for someone because of who they are entangled with everything that defines them. Maybe bdsm / D/s etc. can be separated from love, but it’s not as much fun doing this without that intense feeling there.
Luna’s article said ‘A Dominant will not want to deal with the stress of your added emotional issues if they can be helped. though in reality – if the dominant cares about you, they will.
This girl knows there are times when the baggage she brought to her relationship with Grimly made him ponder whether she was worth it. Her baggage used to be the size of Terry Pratchett’s luggage and could sprout legs and run in any direction it wanted. She knows she put Grimly through hell, but then, she was living in fear of someone else. The only way to get rid of fear is to slowly face it and gradually gain confidence in yourself and that takes time, it can’t just be dispelled just like that. This girl has fixed some of her problems herself – for example, her debts – she has her pride and would not ask him to bail her out in that sort of way.
This girl knows that the submissive, well, the woman, she is today is totally different to the one Grimly met, and that’s down to him. She is still the same person at her core but things that made her depressed, unhappy, fearful and introverted have been dispelled but only with his help. She didn’t ask him for that. You don’t need to ask someone who has your welfare at heart to help, they’ll just do it anyway by being there, by making you feel loved and by making you feel safe when perhaps those things weren’t felt before.
On a submissive front, a lot of the ways this girl’s ex treated her made her a very cautious and insecure submissive. By being with a man who is supportive, caring and adventurous those things have been improved.
Maybe it’s hard for a dom to support someone with problems, maybe an ideal world they shouldnt have to. But sadly, any adult relationship has its ups and downs and issues to deal with so whether these issues are old or new there has to be ways of supporting each other. It can’t just be about the sub doing everything for the dom and not giving him any stress, he needs to be able to be her shoulder too.
Perhaps it might not be how some people would define a dominant, but for this girl a dominant needs to be someone who is mature enough to deal with any life issues, who can support her and can give her love and company even when she’s not wanting to be tied up and used.