This girl has not really every had to really give very much up. She hasn’t had any habits that she’s had to break, or at least not that she’s had to break by making much of a conscious effort. Whereas, Grimly has.
At the moment Grimly is trying to give up smoking, and so far, is doing really well. Though he is suffering from a few side effects from the tablets he is on to help take the symptoms of addiction away. This girl is trying to be supportive but it is hard not having ever been a smoker, to know what it’s like to try to pull away from that.
There have been things she has given up or changed in the past because life has changed. For example, before she ‘discovered’ bdsm properly she used to go to the football a lot. There was an addiction to that of sorts for a while, because there is something about the anticipation of a match, of the camaraderie of the supporters, and the atmosphere that makes it addictive in a way that is not at all the same on the tv. However, that had to end when she moved to Scotland and also could not spare the money since it was being on spent on living away from home and also, let’s be honest, on kink. Sometimes though passions change, what was important in your life once and something that you enjoyed loses its magic and interest. Ok so maybe she wasn’t addicted to watching a team of men in white kick a ball about, but it was a passion of sorts.
Mostly this girl has never had anything that she has had to give up in a cold turkey way. There have been times (still are) when she’s had to cut back on things like when she’s tried (and failed mostly) to diet or when she’s been trying to spend less on things that aren’t essential.
Often she thinks of bdsm as an addiction of a sort. Since, there is the anticipation there , the need, the desire to want a fix. Maybe when she lives with Grimly it will feel more steady, but whilst she doesn’t the anticipation builds up quite often from the end of the last visit up to the start of the next one, like some sort of wave building to a crescendo then crashing and rippling away. It’s odd still getting those butterflies and that excitement and apprehension after over five and a half years, but then maybe it would be odder not to.
Ultimately, doing this stuff makes this girl feel good. It feels good physically and more cerebrally as well. Perhaps no different to how someone might feel that goes jumping out of a plane or deep-sea diving or bungee jumping. It’s that rush of adrenaline and endorphin and those moments when the orgasms are so painful and pleasurable together that make it worth doing.
The bits in-between, the come downs and the going home, can be depressing. A bit like a rollercoaster sort of really high then really low. Especially when going back to the reality of what is relative normality. Perhaps that’s maybe exaggerating it a bit, as it’s not really all that bad, because it’s really low feelings from not being with him rather than the actual BDSM.
But the thing is, you just can’t live like this all the time. A continually kinky existence would just be surreal and maybe, writing this hesitantly…boring after a while.
It’s funny because whilst doing this stuff is amazing, this girl just could not do it 24/7. Keeping it to a certain level, to the level that ‘does it’ for her, is hard work. It might look easy sort of being put in bondage, and electrocuted and orgasmed out of her head, but it’s not, and there are also so many permutations and variations of a theme that are possible. Its good having it to look forward to as well, constant, it would become normal, too normal, the weird and the exciting would become the everyday and this girl wouldn’t want that, it’s best keeping it special.
This girl had written above about giving things up, about changing habits, and things you like.
She couldn’t change doing this. It is part of who she is, but it’s different from addictions in one very specific way. It’s something that can be shared in much more meaningful ways than any others. The small withdrawal symptoms for the bits in between are worth the fun and the highs anytime.