This girl has been having quite a few thoughts lately about whether she really fits the submissive, or indeed, the slave label. Partly because of that she has been slowly finding it harder to orgasm when he calls her slave- the word used to be one of the triggers he had implanted.
This girl is one of those people who worries about things a lot, and over thinks things and has a tendency to really over analyze things. But then maybe all bloggers do that (or most – maybe it is sort of the point). She’s quite OCD about things sometimes as well, and so, often has little niggly things in her head that stress her . Like why do other people seem to make the submission thing and slave thing look so easy? Is she putting enough effort into it? Is she really that much of a slave when most things he asks her to do are fun? Is there something else to this that other people get that she doesn’t?
But really probably the biggest question of all is whether she is doing the right thing by him, never mind comparing herself to other people. This girl knew the answer to that one at the start of the year – she wasn’t. Things are better now, but a bit of depression at the start of the year and then other things happening that sort of took over and pushed BDSM out a bit never mind the whole submission thing. So, gradually this girl stopped feeling like a slave for a bit. Apart from the collar, and a few other things that remind her for a while it felt less part of her head and the effect of that part of the brainwashing – the part that made that magical trigger wore off a bit. It took quite a while to want to do bdsm again, but that was sort of easier doing the physical bit than getting right back into the head of it.
It was maybe because she was getting slightly spoilt as well and encouraged him to say the word to her when she wasn’t behaving much like a slave and not really needing it anyway. It just sort of wore off.
It worked originally because every time he made her orgasm it felt as though he was reinforcing what she was, reminding her that she was aroused by the thought of being his, of belonging to him and it was pretty amazing. But things change, they move on , and sometimes other things get in their way and it got a bit broke. Well this girl got a bit broken. Sort of the easiest way of explaining it is like a radio that just can’t seem to get tuned in to any of the stations properly.
But like that would stop Grimly! He has been working on fixing it. But with a new word.
The slave word worked because it was what this girl wanted to be, and what she is. But it got over used and lost its meaning a little. He can now call her that without a puddle on the carpet and he’s quite enjoying that.
Since this girl’s head space is now in a much better place than it was a few months ago Grimly has been working on implanting a new trigger which he tried out during the last few chair sessions with a rigorous course of electrotherapy and fuck machine and flashing lights and talking into her head.
He chose a word she hates. Not a word that particularly turns her on by itself, but it’s short and to the point and what he wanted and besides he could choose any word and ultimately her head would eventually accept it which is part of the magic lurking there in her head subconsciously. The other week though she fought the new word he picked. She tried to physically stop herself from orgasming. Really she just wanted to test how deep into her head he really was, whether she could block him or not, and whether he could conquer her anyway. Perhaps that’s not a very submissive thing to do – to fight, to want to be conquered and enslaved…but well that’s her thing so there!
He won of course. He was always going to, because her mind knew that her body would not respond any other way. It was fun to fight, enjoying those beforegasms being on the brink more or less as long as she could fight it before actually being fucked by the machine was getting sore and the brainwashing was doing its thing.
Words can mean anything. It doesn’t really matter that the word that’s now stuck is one she doesn’t particularly like. It’s just a trigger. It’s a pretty strong trigger of course but thats’ all it is , what’s more important is the meaning behind it.
Like, its sort of the same as saying ‘i love you’ . Grimly and this girl say that to each other probably at least four or five times a day since it’s just sort of habit as much as anything else, saying it at the end of a call and things like that…it still means something of course…but not as much as actions and those are there too of course.
So, the slave word stopped working because there weren’t the right actions behind it for her to always feel as though she was, as though she deserved it. The new word is one that she doesn’t like and doesn’t need to deserve…its left to him to decide whether to say it or not…..in fact probably not wanting him to say it makes it a lot more powerful!