Guilty as charged

Being a bondage doll or a torture toy or , well, masochist and general sensation slut is the easy part of all this. The submission part is much harder and still not something this girl has fully got her head around. Of course, no doubt you are going to be reading that thinking for goodness sake after five years it should be bloody obvious!

This girl has mentioned before that she likes the process of being brainwashed and tortured into submission, into orgasm, into anything – because its fun and it’s what she likes and it is what turns her on. During that time, or really any sort of bdsm activity it is as though anything can be made possible, and that he is in control of it and cannot be fought even if this girl wanted to fight him – and sometimes she does try!

This girl often thinks whether she is really submitting to Grimly. It comes down to this issue of whether ‘is it really submission if it is what you want to be doing anyway’. Nearly everything this girl does with Grimly in the playroom are things that she enjoys. The bondage, his mad inventions all of that. Of course, there are plenty of things that she gets aroused by that she also hates a bit when they’re happening but let’s not go into that just at this moment – it might give him ideas!

Though of course mostly submission is not something it is possible to think about that consciously, especially when  there is so much else going on and her mind is transported elsewhere to a place of his choosing. Ultimately, BDSM is about that. Or it is for this girl. About indulging in fantasy and sensation and about her mind being taken wherever he wants it to go.  Certain situations and predicaments make that a very intense thing to enjoy.

This girl enjoys BDSM the most when that transportation or experience has everything just right. The outfit, the kit, the ambience. Maybe its being a bit ‘too particular’ but then if you were going diving in the sea or jumping out of the plane you’d pick the location, the outfit and the kit that made the experience into what you felt it should be. Well in some respects of course you’d need to as it might be a bit dangerous otherwise. There is also the element of danger in some of the stuff this girl does as well maybe, but Grimly is aware of where those parameters are so she has always felt that she can explore that edge and that danger in safety.

There are of course times when she feels more at ease with things when she cannot see what is coming and/or when she cannot prevent it.  A blindfold or hood can help that, blocking out normality, allowing the transformation to take place quicker. To allow her to not think about anything apart from what she is feeling right there and then and what she is feeling about him. This girl feels lots of things about Grimly, at times not all of them publishable 😉

Whilst a mask or hood can block normality out and allow the concentration to be on other senses apart from sight, the reason why this girl enjoys playing with Grimly so much is that he can take that process a stage further and let imagination and fantasy right into her head with his masks and creations . That way her attention is directed exactly to where he wants by controlling the input experienced by every one of her senses.

The robot mask that he has made recently is good at that too. Through the infra-red camera goggles she can only see what he has chosen to point the camera at, in a haze, and not in normal colour, whilst hearing her own distorted voice. It feels as though she sees what a robot would really see. A more limited view than a normal person. Surreal, not in as much colour, and very focussed on where the operator wishes. That helps this girl feel controlled and programmed like a robot would be, like a submissive maybe should be??

Combining that with electrics again adds extra believability to the fantasy. This girl is probably guilty of being totally and utterly addicted to electrics and they are one of the most versatile and enjoyable things she has discovered within BDSM.  The shocks can vary between pleasure and pain, and can feel as though they are doing something much more than delivering the shock right there and then. Although electro play doesn’t leave marks, it does leave a slight addiction behind, a need for more. A need to take another charge even? This girl likes the idea of that, of feeling as though some sort of submissive battery is charged and then it’s the operators fault if the battery life runs out and then the operator must deal with the rise of the machine 😉

Of course it’s not really like that, she’s human and after all and more importantly so is he. Perhaps enjoying this stuff is submission, in that this girl is enduring and enjoying the things he wants, and then perhaps it’s not since it’s what she wants anyway. Perhaps it’s just two people who are the opposite of one another enjoying the benefit of that.  But then does submission have to be about submitting to doing something you don’t want?? About making a sacrifice? About suffering?

This girl wonders whether she enjoys the whole thing way too much for it to be what most people define submission to be.  Even the bits of being controlled or tortured by him  that she protests about make her happy deep down. Whether there should be some extra sacrifice or extra hardship on her part and whether what she feels is needing something more added to it, but what that something more is she isn’t really quite so sure.  Though, that’s not to say how she feels about all this stuff has stood still, this girl does feel differently about her role and her bdsm / d/s now than she did 5 years ago, it does feel as though it’s developed along the right track, but just maybe, it’s just human nature to think there should be something else, something more, maybe something like what the next person is doing.  But really, for now it seems to about two people having fun and exploring a mutual fantasy so that is really the only important thing.

4 thoughts on “Guilty as charged

  1. I think I understand what are you talking about but I still think that being a submissive is just a comparison. Compared to other submissives, compared “in general” to others. I think the important thing is the fact of the journey, that you indulge in your inner world/self more and more (and the bestest possible way to do that is if you have your matching partner 😉 ). It is said that partners in a relationship are always each other’s “mirror image”, which means you can be as submissive as dominant Grimly is.

    And since it’s my first comment in your blog I’d like to tell that I love to read your thoughts on your journey into submission from time to time. I can’t explain it too well, but they somehow fill me with ease about this whole thing that is called submission. 😉 😀 You see? Funny isn’t it that while you are lamenting on wether you are submissive enough, your thoughts help me in -my- understanding (okay, I’m sure in yours, too)… Thanks for sharing them.

  2. This is a quandary that i have wondered about over the years myself being the submissive maso that i have always been………..have come to the conclusion that submitting is allowing the other Dom/me partner the control to do what they want with you (ssc and all that of course) and if one enjoys what they do, is one then necessarily not submissive ?……don’t think so…. rather it’s just that you have mutually enjoyable activities. Now if the sub is subject to activities that they genuinely do not like and still allows them to be done, then maybe one could say in that sense there is deeper submission being experienced and given in that case i suppose…….maybe the categories being that one experiences enjoyable submission vs. other times unenjoyable submission (and this is different than being a masochist experiencing pain also).

    An example would be in the last few years i have had two significant bdsm relationships as a sub. In the earlier one, La Domme really got into spitting into my mouth and requiring me to accept it……in a million years i had never had that ever as one of my fantasies so i always had the feeling of being more sub to her during those episodes. Similarly in my most recent relationship, La Goddess was really into strap-on-ing which again for whatever reason has never been a fantasy or sub desire of mine, so likewise after submitting to that for her, i really felt a bit more genuinely submissive than for example when she would tie me up and whip me, as these latter things have always been in my sub maso fantasy wheelhouse. Not sure if this makes sense but it is a very provocative and interesting discussion for us subs/slave, masos, and bottoms alike:)….and Dom/mes also no doubt.

  3. I dont know there’s very few things Grimly likes and I don’t so i’m probably not the best person to know the answer to this puzzle!

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