This is the seventh SubWise! You know what to do by now. Luna gives out a topic to write about and your task goes like this: Write about the topic in your blog or online journal. You don’t have to have a blog to participate. If you have a FetLife account you can use your writing section. Other communities also have journal areas where you can post your response. Send Luna an email letting her know where to find your post about the topic. She need the URL to the post, not the link to your home page of the blog. Repost the list of posts within one week of when they are published on Submissive Guide. The topic carnival will be published on February 22nd so all submissions should be received by February 21st at midnight CST. Please feel free to let your friends know about this carnival. The more people that participate the better! Okay so the topic you will be writing about is:
Romance in D/s Relationships: What do you consider romantic? How is romance alive in your dynamic? Is it different than if you were in a vanilla relationship?
Here is the answer from Pet’s Journey
Here is this girl’s answer:
Grimly and this girl first played just shortly before Valentines day. It wasn’t romantic but then it had never been the intention that it would be. She’d gone to see him to sort of explore this need that she had which was to do with being hurt not with being loved. After all what is romantic about wanting to be hurt by some evil git that you’ve met only once before? It’s not much more than lust just a different sort of lust. A lust for the sensation and the thrill rather than the person, or at least thats how it began. When she realised after playing with him that he was fun and a bit you know ‘different’ she sent him the thorns from some roses she’d got a few days later…that sort of cheesy screw the roses thing.
So it wasn’t really the usual start to a relationship. If there is such a thing. Weird in some ways things were a bit in the wrong order in finding something in common first and then taking things from there, instead of getting to know each other and hoping there would be something in common as is the case in the start of most relationships.
Thing is, if it had always stayed just a case of ‘i’ll let you do what you want to me if you promise to make those things amazing’, it would have got rather clinical quite quickly. It’s difficult to play with someone without sort of falling for them a bit. You cant be that close and not get a bit involved.
At the beginning, neither this girl nor Grimly were trying to be remotely romantic. In fact, probably, never have really tried. If you have to try and be romantic by doing some sort of textbook stuff then its a bit sort of meaningless. A card is just a piece of paper and a rose is just a flower . To be loved, whether it in a bdsm relationship or just an ordinary one, you should feel loved every day not just february 14th , or birthdays, or christmas, or , when your partner wants a shag.
The first few things that were maybe romantic, were just really doing things to cement the relationship, or bring a smile to the face of the other person. Which is perhaps what romance really means, doing what you feel is right to make that one person happy instead of doing what some card shop says you should do.
Examples are things like the first collar grimly made for this girl. A lot of things that he has made have been special, its like a bit of love, a bit of him goes into it. Sometimes literally blood sweat and tears. The collar was perfect though, the right size, a nice sort of leather, just special. And symbolic, in a sort of toned down way of the equivalent of putting a big flashing neon light up above saying ‘mine’. Though, some such signs may be found along the road between Glasgow and Inverness if any other subbies ever get the idea that they can muscle in on the action 😉 Or so says the little green eyed monster.
Another example is the first thing he bought for her – ballet boots – a promise that he would keep her on her toes?? The first thing she bought with him in mind – a red latex outfit. Sure ok, the kink version of maybe buying sexy lingerie.
Things became more romantic when it got to being more than play, more than a sort of casual-ish thing. Tender moments creeping in, kisses, touching, moments where you wonder whether something is going to happen and waiting for someone to make a move. This girl will always remember the moment she told Grimly she loved him. She cried. She said ‘i can’t believe i’ve found the man of my dreams and its YOU’ and maybe its a good thing writing that to remind her. He is so very special.
This girl loved him before having sex, after play, but before sex. All a bit weird and backwards in some people’s eyes in that some couples introduce kink *after* doing all the more vanilla stuff. Weird also that he pushed all those weird little buttons in her head to make her feel sexually controlled by him before even letting her touch his cock. It’s these little things though that make this sort of romance different.
There are still things that happen that are romantic, like little things, doing things for each other, or the way this girl falls asleep on his arm, or the way he kisses her tummy after sex. Like things that might seem to tender, too soppy for a relationship that started off being about the pain and the sensation. And, although valentines cards maybe dont mean as much, he’s kept every one that she’s given him. This girl however, just falls over when he remembers. But men can sometimes be like that, why change them. Besides, he might end up reminding her that she forgot his birthday card this year. lol.
Sometimes its hard to know whether love, romance, whatever gets in the way of the BDSM. Whether its not as hard , or not as fresh as at the beginning when it was just a sensory bit of fun rather than love. But then other times it means more. Like not much means more to this girl when she is looking at him whilst she’s strapped down to something after just having a pain driven orgasm that he has controlled. Maybe the picture a few posts ago at JG’s will sort of explain that sort of moment a little.
This girl asked her ex once what he thought was more important love or obedience/bdsm. He said obedience. Maybe a lot of other bdsm orientated people would have a similar view, that if the bdsm werent there or absent then the rest would mean nothing. For this girl though, despite bdsm being the initial attraction, having a solid relationship that has other aspects is more important. Some people might say a dom doesnt need to be romantic since the relationship is a ‘cert’ in that he might get what he want whether it be coffee, or sex, or some other thing by a click of the fingers or a command, but then sometimes it means more when you are romantic and loving because you want to, and because it will be returned.
It will always be returned.