This is the third SubWise! You know what to do by now. Luna gives out a topic to write about and your task goes like this: Write about the topic in your blog or online journal. You don’t have to have a blog to participate. If you have a FetLife account you can use your writing section. Other communities also have journal areas where you can post your response. Send Luna an email letting her know where to find your post about the topic. She need the URL to the post, not the link to your home page of the blog. Repost the list of posts within one week of when they are published on Submissive Guide. The topic carnival will be published on October 28th so all submissions should be received by October 27th at midnight CST. Please feel free to let your friends know about this carnival. The more people that participate the better! Okay so the topic you will be writing about is:
Do you find obedience to be easy for you? Why or why not?
Here are the essays of the others who have contributed so far :-
& Here is this girl’s answer:
The short answer is no. Or at least, mostly, no. But there is quite a bit of background to this.
When this girl got into BDSM she not was really looking to be submissive necessarily. She was looking for someone who could make all the sensual tortures she dreamed about come true. Those early fantasies were based really on the physical – of demented sadistic men doing cruel sexual things to her. That is what her first fantasies were. Not really about being submissive, or of being in any sort of service based relationship. However, when this girl found out about the existence of BDSM and the connection of that her to those early dreams, she found out about submission, and began to think that she wanted that too. She does want that too. Something about being owned and being controlled, by a man with the power to inflict pain or pleasure just felt like the ideal. Obedience didn’t necessarily fit in with that for this girl, but funnily it does for most other people!
The bit where this girl struggles with the obedience thing is that unless the Dom demonstrates a reason for her to obey him, it conflicts with her idea of her self i.e. of having her own mind, and of having the ability to make her own decisions in life. This girl has never wanted to feel as though she is someone who obeys mindlessly….that would walk off a cliff if she was told to by her dom, or who would cut off family if he asked her to. Or any of those sorts of things that you see happen on fetlife or other forums where female submissives have got themselves into all sorts of misery out of doing what their dom said in the name of obedience — cutting off family, friends,work, breeding – all manner of stuff. Its always appeared to this girl that with getting ‘too obedient’ there’s a bit of a danger in things getting a bit sticky.
She’s been in that sort of place. Where doing things to please a man caused her unhappiness. With her previous dom, this girl tried to do things to obey him. Because it was sort of part of the idea that he was dom she was sub and that was supposed to be what happened, and in return for her obeying him, she would get what she needed too. Ultimately she didn’t. Partly it ended up being a compatibility issue, but she just didn’t have any pleasure in doing the things he wanted. She asked him once what was more important to him, obedience or love, and his answer was obedience. She asked him what would happen if she no longer wanted to be his slave – and he said it would be the end. This girl knows that Grimly’s answers to those same questions are different.
What this girl has learnt is there has to be a reason to want to obey. There are maybe people out there who are, or at least claim to be ‘naturally submissive’ and will do what they’re told without question. But even they, must have a reason, or a motivation? This girl can only speak from her own experience of course, and maybe its different being more so a masochist to begin with than a sub, but still.
Looking back, this girl found that giving herself a label of sub, or slave, didn’t make it necessarily work. She had to feel that. It’s difficult to be introduced to someone who claims to be dom and then just obey, just like that. There needs to be some sort of chemistry, some sort of desire to want to obey.
The reasons for obedience aren’t necessarily always positive.
With hindsight, this girl has realized that most of the times when she obeyed her ex dom, the reason was fear. Sometimes the fear was minor, that he would sulk, or that he would not choose to play with her. Other times it was more serious, that he would leave, that he would break up with her and out her. Control through fear is not good. He said to her that making him happy should be enough for her. It never was. Besides anything else he always wanted something more. Always something more than her for that matter too. All the while this girl just felt as though she wasn’t good enough, not submissive enough, not pretty enough. Just not enough . There has to be a point, where self -preservation kicks in and you realise the difference between a dominant who cares about you and one that is happy for you to be a free ride and a meal ticket. Sometimes there has to be a point when they ask something of you and you realise that no matter how submisive you are you can’t do it and you have to say no. This girl stayed in that relationship too long really, but she learnt from that. She learnt what submission wasn’t. It wasn’t spending time and more money than what she had on keeping someone happy that didn’t care whether she was happy back.
So, partly because of that something about being seen to be too submissive , or obedient, at the back of this girl’s mind , frightens her. She’s afraid she might get in a mess again where she doesn’t feel in control, and where she’s afraid.
When this girl started playing with Grimly, she put the idea of submission to the back of her mind, she took it as being ‘just’ a play thing, and nothing more than that. Or at least, she tried to resist the desire to be submissive to him. Because, gradually with Grimly, it became a desire, not a fear. To begin with she resisted it quite a lot, she refused to call him Sir until she had no reason not to.
With Grimly, she found that she enjoyed being obedient when encouraged into it through play, through bondage, through pain, through predicaments that meant not obeying would cause discomfort. That, became incredibly erotic. It still is. It fits with this girl’s need to feel as though she is still independant and strong willed, yet sometimes controlled and turned on by the fact that there are certain elements of her that can be controlled.
Slowly however, this girl has got more relaxed about submission and about obedience. The reason is not fear, or that the concept is erotic, or that it is an extension of masochism and fantasy – but because of love. That may sound really cheesy and so on , but sometimes, it’s not a choice of obedience or love but the two sort of work together.
Its sort of because he’s the man she loves she wants to please him and make him happy, so because of that, these days, obedience is easier, she wants to do what pleases him, and ultimately, the rest of the BDSM stuff is at its best when he’s happy and not having to fight her and her insecurities. Because previously, this girl was insecure, and needed a bit of time to trust again, and feel safe and to feel as though her dom is not the type of man that would take advantage or abuse his position, and she knows that Grimly is far from that.
Probably what this girl is really in essence saying is that obedience is far easier when its out of love and trust instead of fear and insecurity. There are probably a lot of people that find being obedient easier, wheareas this girl has had to take a lot of time to realise that its safe, and that being a little controlled by the man she loves is what she has always wanted.