Paying for it

A recent comment :-

“You mentioned several times your past experience as a Pro-Submissive, and I am very curious about this. I never met one, and would be very interested to read your take on it, should you agree to make a post on it the future :-) How was it ? How was it planned and executed ? What kind of supervision was here to protect you ? How did you manage to enter the “mindspace” with a stranger ? Memorable encounters, both good and bad ? Lots of questions, but I know your writing talent :-)

First of all here are some previous posts on this subject –

The price to pay for having a nice bum

The pro’s and con’s

Whose therapy?

Losing yourself in role

This girl hasn’t been a pro sub now for about two and a half years, aside from when she did a bit of spanking modelling in the spring – which is not quite the same thing. She has experienced being a pro-sub in a dungeon and a pro-spankee and again they are two very different things.

This girl doesn’t look back too favourably on her experiences working in dungeons – doing it for a couple of months was a couple of months too long.  Though thats not to say it wasn’t a totally useless experience. It was. To at least rule it out as being something she wanted to do long term.  Its one of those ideas that  can be a fantasy but in reality just doesn’t always work.  The idea when she started doing it was that she would serve the Mistresses and then sometimes join the Mistresses in session with male sub or male Dom clients so in most scenarios the paid for sessions had two women and one paying male client so relatively safe.

In the beginning it was appealing to this girl, the idea of being around a dungeon all day, collared, serving, being around dominant women. But in reality, dominant women who do it for a living can be bitches when there’s no clients to see. They can take advantage of people, and care only about how it benefits THEM. The rose coloured glasses shattered quickly because you learn that when you are doing BDSM for money and around other people who are doing it for money that you lose a lot of choice. Some people might think a submissive doesnt have the right to certain choices anyway, but when someone is paying for things they have certain expectations of what they want and they are not always people that you would play with if you had the opportunity to do so in private or in a club or something. Some of the men that visit professional dungeons are just creepy for a variety of reasons. There are lot of nice people its true, both clients and Mistresses, but mostly, this girl did not find that to be the case where she was at that time.

The main issue this girl had with that place was highlighted to her in one simple afternoon. She’s written about it somewhere before, but what happened was that she was in a cage, half naked, and a man entered the room. She didn’t know who he was, it wasn’t part of a session, he was just there as  a friend to someone else that worked there. He spoke down to this girl, made negative comments about her body, and several comments about what he would do if she wasn’t locked in that cage. Maybe, out of that context he might be a nice person, successful – he certainly wore nice clothes and spoke in a way that suggested good education – but the words he used and the way he looked at this girl made her feel cheap and made her realise it was a place she did not really want to be.

It made this girl realise that she didn’t like being put in that position, out of her comfort zone, amongst strangers with expectations or opinions of her.

Ultimately, this girl has since learnt that whilst she can be very submissive to one specific person it doesn’t mean that she can be submissive to every man who wears leather trousers or has the required money to pay the fee. Submission cannot really be bought, it’s not real, it’s acting, pretending, playing at it even. This girl was afraid of submission for a very long time, still is even, and has had to build up experience and trust in her partner to fully sink into it so that she can feel safe but in relative danger and on edge at the same time. It’s just not really all that possible to get that feeling with a stranger. Especially one that you’re not particularly attracted to and maybe don’t necessarily respect. This girl’s submission to Grimly means a great deal to her – more anyway than fifty pounds an hour or whatever the rate might be now.

As a professional spankee things were much better. Safer, the clients more gentlemanly and respectful , fun and friendly and the organiser considerate. This girl liked a great many of the people she met through that  and was able to get into the headspace of the naughty school girl or maid so much more easily than she could the dungeon toy. Just in her head there were less sexual connotations to it, it felt more innocent and fun.  Maybe something about putting on an outfit and roleplaying makes it feel more comfortable than being virtually naked or dressed in pvc or rubber or whatever and it wasn’t crossing over too much into what she did at home.

What ulimately ended doing spanking in private with people was that she came to realise that every time some other man hit her or role played with her she wished it was Grimly. She came to resent for a while playing with other people. But the main reason that made this girl realise it was time to stop was the collaring. After taking on that symbol of ownership this girl and Grimly agreed that it was no longer right for her to fulfill the fantasies of other men for pocket money. It just suddenly felt not quite right. That, and in addition, this girl had been seeing a few regulars and each time things were getting a bit harder since she felt some sort of need to take more for them to hold out, to not let them see her scream or cry or react, which were feelings she wanted to save for him without even going into what that means for a masochist bearing in mind what this girl has said before about addictions for pain for her to receive, and of course for other people to give. This girl doesn’t ever regret what she did at that time, she met a great many fun people and explored another aspect of BDSM and fetishism and there is nothing negative about that.

Modelling is something different yet again, which this girl did again a few months ago and also hopes to do again, in a spanking context, maybe other things too. Acting is different. Acting and everyone knowing it’s acting and roleplay is different to pretending to really BE submissive to someone for the time they are with you. Maybe that doesn’t make sense but its the only way this girl can really explain it, apart from the other reason being its a great deal of fun. Deep down everyone knows the reason for it and doing it for the same goal – to produce quality material for a website. Rather than for it being to feed a specific person’s need for their fantasy to be fulfilled, it feels less sexual, and much further from where this girl’s boundaries are.  Sometimes despite there being no sex involved, the dungeon thing felt a bit like being a prostitute and looking back sort of repulses this girl a bit.

This girl doesn’t want to be a piece of meat to fulfill the fantasies of other men who might want to touch her or bind her or dress her up in kink for their own personal gratification. She wants to save that just for her Master.

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