Deconditioning after orgasm control

A thread from fetlife : “What concerns me is that I don’t hear anyone talking about a plan for de-conditioning if the relationship ends. Having recently ended a 6 year relationship I thought was going to last till old age, I don’t quite believe in happily ever after. How does a girl learn to orgasm on her own without the key phrases or permission if the relationship ends? Maybe it would be good for the dom to have an exit strategy for the ending transition? I don’t need to know how to do it, but I’d like to know my dom knows how to do it, just in case.”

This girl replied to the thread at the time, but her answer was deleted after first the owner of the group made her out to look stupid, and then when she tried to justify her answer was deleted after trying to explain herself politely and then after Grimly tried to explain it too.  How childish, especially when she was trying to express her own opinion which didn’t differ that vastly from the other replies that just added her own take – so this girl wants to write her own opinion on this subject here – where she can write about her own experiences and also, because its a topic she’s had further thoughts on since. This girl does not claim to be an authority on this subject, or on any, but she’s entitled to be able to express her opinion on something she feels strongly about.

This girl is not sure how the orgasm control works, or at least how it was implanted. She doesn’t want to know that ,because its part of the magic and part of what makes her relationship with Grimly special. As far as she knows it was a combination of him putting the idea into her head and her wanting it to be there…combined with a few sessions of very intense play that made it possible, add to that a little hypnosis. Maybe one day she’ll get Grimly to write his own thoughts on the subject but for now thats all this girl can really explain of her understanding of it.

As far as she knows it works because he had the ability to put the suggestion there in her head, but at the back of her mind it  was something she wanted to believe could happen – so it does. There are probably so many people that don’t believe it works – but it really can.

This girl doesnt ‘really want to think about what would happen to that magic if something were  to end the relationship – but then if the relationship were to end it wouldn’t be her main concern. Living, and getting into some sort of normality would be the main priority.

It really depends on how the end comes perhaps. Mostly, in this girl’s experience relationships end because either one or both people want different things, and are no longer in love or because something has gone dreadfully wrong or been painful in some way. This girl has had two serious long term relationships before Grimly and in both cases she needed to get closure, and get back to some sort of normality before she felt ‘right’.

People have an effect on you.

They change your behaviours and how you do things, sometimes on a small and vanilla level, sometimes on a kinky one. Sometimes they can affect your confidence and how you do things. After any relationship you need to work out how to survive without that person regardless of whether having to survive without them is good or bad i.e. whether you didn’t want to the relationship to end or whether you did.

That survival, and sort of getting your life ‘back on track’ is the main focus, and sometimes it can be a long process and messy especially if you get involved with someone else and have all sorts of mixed feelings at the time.

For this girl, if things were to end with Grimly it would be trying to feel happy again that would be her main priority not whether she would ever have another orgasm. She can’t see the relationship ending because of their feelings towards each other changing – really she can only see it ending if one of them were to die – because she is confident enough in the relationship to know that he is her Mr Right and always will be.

If the relationship were to end with some bad feeling, this girl can’t see Grimly wanting to do anything to help her orgasm in the future. Why would he? The thread mentioned that some people had experience of orgasm control being transferred onto someone else. That wouldn’t work with this girl (the op questioned how this girl knew that but she just knows because she knows what her feelings for Grimly are and it is not something she would want to happen!) The orgasm control and what that all means is something special with him, not something that could be passed on or handed down in some sort of agreement or last will and testament.

It all really depends on what you believe.

If he were to pass away, this girl believes that would happen is that ultimately the triggers would extinguish – a bit like a light bulb – slowly fading and then just no longer working. Likewise really if the relationship were to end. In this girl’s head it works because she believes that he controls this aspect of her. So, essentially if she no longer believed he was in control of her all the little things that symbolise his control would slowly evaporate. The spell would fade. To be honest, this girl handles it best by having those thoughts. If she thought that she needed him to do something to end the control i.e. sit her down and give her some sort of reverse hypnosis to take it away it would make her sad  – in the same way that having sex for ‘old times sake’ does when you revisit a previous relationship it means something and yet at the same time its emotionally painful. This girl isn’t denying the fact that some people might need to have some sort of withdrawal process, but she just struggles to wonder how that would work if a relationship ends and the Dom doesn’t want to/isn’t able to offer that. So hence why her beliefs and thoughts are what they are. Or is it because he put that thought in her head when he implanted the trigger? 😉

Ultimately, if something was to make this relationship end, this girl’s main focus would be to try and cope without him on a partnership level – what she would do without his company and if she were to lose the way he makes her feel?

The ability to orgasm seems minor when thinking about how that would be. But then, maybe other people cope with relationships ending/bereavement differently. Though at the root of things, this girl is a woman that needs love and companionship more really than she needs BDSM and control.

3 thoughts on “Deconditioning after orgasm control

  1. My take is that you would first have a similar loss/bereavement as would happen with the ending of a vanilla relationship (though a lot more intense) and then, after time, would need to look for another one. Which would not be easy!

  2. Any relationship is built on several levels, when young it starts out on attraction fulfilment of needs, physical and sexual, at the young age the body demands for the sexual are high, fecundity is strong and needs fulfilment, desire and emotional fulfilment are at the fore.
    Rationality is at the rear, and decision making blind in many areas, and the relationship expands out and matures, satisfaction also is less focussed on the narrow band, but other areas come to the fore that need fulfilling.
    The focus of beginning a relationship in later life have other priorities for our fulfilment, and often the satisfaction of these lead to a deeper more rewarding relationship. we have a better understanding of our own needs for fulfilment and higher expectation from a partner and better tools to deals and improve that relationship.
    If a great mutuality in the relationship is achieved than a greater fulfilment and respect for one another is achieved.
    Separation under any circumstance will need a mourning time and a readjustment, each area and person will have different needs and tools to deal with. The deeper and more fulfilling the bigger the hole needs to be filled.
    After such an event often the worst mistakes are made in one life. The really wrong relationship on the wrong basis of needs.
    For many finding the right soul mate is difficult and a few impossible. There is no set manual, no one path to take, each needs to contemplate there own path in a rational way and it takes time.
    Often there are external forces pressurizing one into a wrong decision, take time and discernment – think through those decisions and why you are making them. There is no right and no wrong here. No book, no plan either.

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