SubWise #2: Advice You Swear By

From Submissive Guide :

This is the second SubWise! You know what to do by now. Luna gives out a topic to write about and your task goes like this:

  1. Write about the topic in your blog or online journal. You don’t have to have a blog to participate. If you have a FetLife account you can use your writing section. Other communities also have journal areas where you can post your response.
  2. Send Luna an email letting her know where to find your post about the topic. She need the URL to the post, not the link to your home page of the blog.
  3. Repost the list of posts within one week of when they are published on Submissive Guide.

The topic carnival will be published on August 28th so all submissions should be received by August 28th at midnight CST. Please feel free to let your  friends know about this carnival. The more people that participate the better!

Okay so the topic you will be writing about is:

What is some advice that was given to you that really helped you explore your submission that you swear by now? Why has it helped you?

OR

What advice would you give a novice that you wish someone would have given to you? What is the back story behind why you needed that advice?

Here is this girl’s answer :-

Ok. This is a difficult question, because sometimes you just need to learn things for yourself – but here’s this girl’s thoughts so hopefully they might be of some assistance to someone out there! if you dont want to read the whole answer – the short answer is – communicate EVERYTHING.. but here’s the reasons…

Assuming the person looking for this advice is new to BDSM, and new to exploring their submission  the first bit of advice is to get involved with things. Not necessarily clubs to begin with, but meeting people at munches or in small groups in a vanilla setting is a great start to learn what goes in your local area and to see what people are like. In this girl’s opinion (having done both) it’s best to meet a potential partner in a non-pressured setting such as a munch or in a restaurant than it is to meet them somewhere random and go and play in a hotel straightaway. And safer. Nothing bad happened to her from meeting and playing with a stranger, but, the point is – it could have. This is one of the biggest bits of advice this girl can ever have – get to know the person a bit first, speak to other people who have played with them and try and get some idea of what they are like as a play partner be it directly from them or from others as well. When this girl met her ex dom she had no one else to talk to about his reputation, but when she met Grimly, she already knew quite a lot and felt a bit safer with that.

A first play date is always going to be a bit risky because you both maybe have different expectations and they might not both be honorable. Safe words don’t really mean that much. A good Dom should be cautious and build up play slowly with a new play partner and be able to read your body language at least a bit unless they are one of these that can’t tell a flogger from a butt plug.  Safe words in this girl’s opinion don’t necessarily mean a lot – if a dom is going to go too far saying red yellow pink purple or green is not going to stop them. A safe call is sensible though – having a time set up to phone someone to let them know you’re ok when playing in private with someone for the first time. Just be as careful as you can really and have the same respect for the other persons safety and comfort as well.

Also, dont worry if the first Dom/sub you meet isn’t quite right. It’s better to be honest about it than try and make something work that has absolutely no chance, especially if the only reason you’re with them is that they’re the first person to show an interest. Its worth holding out for someone who you feel someone sort of draw towards. BDSM dating isn’t really any easier to normal dating – it takes time to work out the good things and bad things about that person but sometimes first instincts are right too. Ultimately, the key is communication – talking about what each of you are looking for and seeing if there is enough shared ground to experiment a bit together.

Ok. Yep, sometimes its difficult to know what you want if you’ve not tried it before. This girl has been there. Sometimes its easy to think you want something because it works for someone else or because thats how it is in Story of O/Screw the Roses/Eyes Wide Shut/insert source material here and thats not necessarily how it works for everyone. This will sound a totally cheesy metaphor but sometimes its a bit like a buffet – you need to pick the bits that suit you, maybe take a tiny bit of the stuff you’re not sure about and leave the stuff that totally repulses you.

This girl learned the hard way that trying to make a relationship work based on the ‘ideal fantasy’ rather than her fantasy was not a good idea, trying to be someone else is not a good thing at the best of times. With Grimly, things just came naturally and still progress now. The whole thing, it doesn’t happen overnight. For this girl there  are still a great many things that she is learning about her submission.Patience is kind of an important thing, it doesn’t all work perfectly the first time. Really this girl and Grimly have worked together to sort of work out what their mutual fantasy is and then build upon that. Its took years, but its sort of an adventure and a very long learning curve which is constantly progressing and adapting to how things are. Anyway, the best thing to do is communicate about how you feel about certain things rather than bottle it up. It kind of needs to be a mutual thing too – not one person doing all the work and the other just expecting to get what they want from it regardless of the other’s feelings – even if they are the ‘Dom’ – because the best Doms have some understanding and care towards the needs and fantasies of their sub. The sort that want on tap blow jobs and their ass licked for them and every single little thing done for them really just need to be sent back to Mummy to learn how to treat a woman. Being submissive does not make you a doormat or a second class person. In this girl’s opinion a submissive should be cherished and looked after and made to feel special. 

Its also good to experiment together, try new ideas, share new experiences and talk about them before and after to see if its enjoyable, to see if it needs further development, whatever. The need to communicate never vanishes from any sort of relationship . Ever. Sometimes, even if you get to that stage where you know what each other is going to say, it’s still good to express it, or write about it or whatever way you feel right. Sometimes its good to talk to people outside the relationship too for guidance – friends, people who you know on the net that have similar experiences.

The other thing this girl has learnt is that some men are dominant, and some are abusive. Sometimes, dependant on what stuff you are into it might be hard to tell the difference. You sort of need to work it out for yourself but the easiest way to tell is – are you happy with how you’re being treated? If you’re not , then maybe something is wrong. If you’re living in fear of that person, and worrying that if you put a foot wrong they’ll out you or harm you or your family then there is definately something wrong. No brainer eh? But sometimes its easy to put up with being treated like a doormat because in your head you might think you’re not being a ‘proper submissive’ to that person if you stand up to them. Some doms are not doms – they are bullies and horrible men that need to treat a woman badly to feel good about themselves. This girl has written a few hundred posts about how a good Dom makes her feel – ie. happy, loved, about how she has fun, about how she has adventures. That’s sort of how she thinks it should be. Though of course, how everyone achieves that for themselves is different.

There’s no such thing as a proper submissive or a true slave or whatever other label you want to give yourself. It only matters what you and your Dom think you are. No one else’s opinion means that much . There’s no denying its good to feel as though you’re ‘doing it right’ but then whats right for you might not be right for someone else or vice versa. This girl has many many days where she thinks that she has done something or written something that might make her look un-submissive,but deep down, she knows the commitment and the meaning of the relationship she has with Grimly and that is really all that matters.

Ultimately, to be a good submissive and to have a BDSM relationship that works you need a good Dom to share it all with. Who can be patient with you regards new things, respectful of your fears and able to accommodate your fantasies into their own but he also needs to be someone you can have fun and share a relationship with as well. Someone that you don’t want to hit over the head with the iron basically, but most of all someone that makes you happy to spend time with. Sometimes its hard to find the right Dom, needles, haystacks, frogs and princes spring to mind. But really if you talk to you partner and your friends and give each other a bit of respect and consideration then there’s someone there.

5 thoughts on “SubWise #2: Advice You Swear By

  1. this has been so amazing spot on and timely for me. i had to make a decison as to whether or not to get involved with someone i recently met.. and i didnt want to see a bunch of red flags… but they were there, and this article helped me to see a lot of what i was refusing to see. thank you.

  2. I really like the part where you point out that one needs a good dominant – I have always explained to people that Dominance and submission goes together in symbiosis. My dominance usually is dependant on the submission I get – If that makes sense 😉

    I have written some posts on my blog about it. Head over and have a look. Listen to my latest post about submissives without any limits as well.

    Best Regards

    Stoltz Sinatra

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