Partly a repost of an early blog…..
Q. You have an itch, an irritation, what do you do??
A1. Leave it to irrate the fuck out of you? This girl don’t think so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A2. This girl’s answer (nb as a child she used to always itch rashes, and pick scabs, and basically do everything that she was told that for her own good it was best not to – are you suprised?) :-
You itch the rash, knowing the itching will make it redder, itchier, angrier, more painful. It becomes irritable once you stop itching because your fingers are just too tired to do it anymore for just now. It needs more and more and more. You’re stuck with it. You’re cursed.
But do you wish you never scratched it? Ermmmmm of course you don’t.
To this girl S&M is an itch, she is talking about sadism and masochism here, leaving D/s (or M/s) aside for a moment……
But to the point…
From an early age, from when she started doing “things” to herself (see previous blog on sadomasochism if this interests you) she’s had this “itch” to do stuff, to feel certain sensations, ok, to feel pain and arousal at the same time
This girl’s problem is getting worse. The more she gets, the more she does the more she wants.
In her teens, she convinced herself so many times “this is wrong. this is perverted. this is not healthy. this is potentially damaging”
and she would stop.
But without those “sensations” she was moody, slightly down and for want of a better word, incomplete. Not really herself. And it is part of who she is. Not everything, but a strong element.
So she would do it again. And it would be a circle. An addiction. A fix followed by withdrawal symptons, followed by trying to give up , to realising she was not able to quit.
And then she found oh. you can get other people to do this for you. There are OTHERS.
And it feels good for that itch to be scratched. So fucking good!
But sometimes it doesnt feel enough. Although it feels great when she’s doing stuff, this girl hates the cold turkey side of it – the after sensations. The longing, the need , the desire , the frustration….
Sometimes it feels uncontrollable.
With Master though this girl doesnt have the problem apart from when she’s away from him.
But to conclude, regarding masochism, this girl has inflicted her own torment. She has started on a path that cannot end. We all have our moments when we feel like abandonding this side of ourselves. Perhaps we walk away momentarily. But the majority of us always come back aching for more. The itch is just so bad that you can’t help yourself from scratching, and who would blame you?
Submission can give great feelings as well. This girl knows that when she makes Master happy and proud of me that she glows and feels very special.
There is a balance.
This girl can get different feelings and sensations from Masochism to Submission, one being mostly* physical and one being mostly mental, but combined they are pretty powerful and consuming and luckily she has someone who’s good at maintaining a very good balance with her.
This girl wrote that over three years ago. Nothing has really changed, and she has now been into BDSM around about seven years in total or very nearly. Really from the very first time what motivated her was the need to explore this side of herself, to indulge in different sensations, in pleasure, in pain and to submit too of course that need has always been there in the background as well. To be honest, seven years ago she wouldnt’ have expected that things would have took the route they have done, in fact, not even a couple of years ago would she have thought that she would meet so many different people and go to different places (even Wales and Lancashire – and this girl hates lancashire!) to endulge in her need for sensation and kink. Not to mention the next adventure. But then, it’s an adventure and a learning curve to see what works and also what doesn’t, and an experiment too, where she’s the guinea pig not the one in control.
This girl has mentioned several times before how BDSM is sort of a bit like an addiction. That the more you get, the more you want, the more you want to try. Sometimes thats kind of scary because it’s possible to feel as though you are running out of things to do and that it is going to get more and more extreme or risque or dangerous. But then, Grimly’s repertoire is so varied so playing with him is never the exact same thing twice. There are of course things that are more common than others, toys that are favourites, but that happens regardless whether you have 10 toys or 100. Luckily, most of his preferences are compatible with hers – apart from chastity which this girl still has mixed feelings on but let’s not go there right now eh?
With Grimly this girl feels safe, she doesn’t feel as though that ‘addiction’ that need to push for more and more will overcome her. It feels right to know deep down that he can control his own impulses, his own sadism, and his own desires just as much as he can control hers. Because, there are doms sometimes that take things too far. That get carried away, and keep going when maybe its the time to stop, or slow down, or do something a bit different and sometimes thats a hard temptation to have to face, and to read the situation correctly and not get swept up in the whole thing. This girl worries sometimes that she is asking him too much, to ask him to be in control of his own impulses, and hers, and to judge it just right, to balance it, and to read her when most of the time she isn’t always clear what she wants herself. But then its part of what he gives her as part of being her Dom, her Master. The security that she can fully indulge in her fantasy without feeling in any danger, but at the same time feeling as though it’s going as close to the edge as it can get and that’s the best it can get for this masochist 😉