There was a discussion on fetlife recently about whether its right/appropriate/normal for your Dom/me to also be your friend. The comment this girl related to most was this response :-

Our relationship has so many layers I sincerely doubt that I could “label” them all. The primary layers however are fairly simple. We are best friends. We are the loves of each others lives. And we are Master and slave. None of these things are mutually exclusive nor do they lessen or detract from each other. In fact they all go together quite nicely. As others have said, I cannot imagine being owned by someone who was not also my friend. As for not being his equal, I guess I don’t understand why anyone would want to own someone they considered inferior to themselves. I personally will simply be grateful that the man I love, am in love with, who is my best friend and whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with is also my Master.

This girl feels exactly that way about Grimly. When she is about to see him what she looks forward to most is spending time with him, cuddles, talking to him, looking after him….not necessarily kneeling at his feet or being tied up by him and tortured – though she looks forward to that too of course!

It’s a bit weird in that she became friends with him after she started playing with him, but before she fell in love with him, but then, it was just a play relationship to begin with. An experiment. For this girl to try things that she had longed to do for a very long time.

Some people on that thread said that being friends with your Master is not compatible with being a sub/slave. Since ‘friends’ suggests ‘equal’ and in their opinion a Master and a slave should not be equal. This girl has mixed feelings about that. There are times when things are not equal – when he is in control and she accepts – and enjoys – what happens during that time.  But there are other times when not in that sort of headspace where things are more equal. 

Things are discussed, this girl and Grimly make decisions together. He doesn’t micromanage her life. There are threads on fetlife that suggest a dom has the right to choose if a woman procreates, what her religion is, what medical treatment she has. He doesn’t control any of these things, though views on big subjects are similar for the most part and anything ‘major’ is discussed just like any non-bdsm relationship. Does that make her less of a slave? This girl doesn’t think so. 

Both she and Grimly need someone that they can share life with as well as kink. That they can make decisions with, share dreams, anxieties, happiness, sorrow. It is not all about BDSM and would be wrong if it was. 

Grimly is this girl’s best friend. By that she means he is there for her whenever she needs him, he’s never too busy or unsupportive to listen to her. He takes her views on board. He makes her feel as though he values her input into things and her imagination and dreams. This is what being a friend means. More than anything, Grimly and this girl have fun together and share things. It is not all one sided. Some one recently commented that they thought Grimly is ‘a manipulating perv’ he is no such thing. He cares for this girl, he makes her feel special , and he gives her every sign that she is the love of his life, as he is hers. This girl has been with someone manipulating – someone who put her in a very difficult financial position and made her feel as though she was just there to provide everything he needed. She got away from that person. It was hard but she did it.

Grimly is not like that. He supports her in everything. He does things for her, repairs to the house, to the car, a shoulder to cry on when she’s had a bad day and more besides. The point is this girl is happy with him. She is not brainwashed, she is not being manipulated. She remains someone who has independant thought and her own dreams, which he encourages. She is HAPPY. Because of what she went through with her previous partner this girl knows that she is strong enough to walk if she were ever put in a dangerous or unhappy position, but she knows Grimly would never do anything to harm her.

There are people that have normal relationships that are unhappy. That dont’ even see their wife/husband as a friend. That are together for the sake of children or other things that have happened without wondering about consequences. This girl would not wish to be in an unhappy marriage, with someone that she did not respect, or did not love, or did not cherish with all of her heart.

When she thinks about what the relationship means she thinks often about what her Grandad meant to her Grandma. This girl’s Grandad was in the navy and was often away for long periods of time, in places that were dangerous or third world conditions. He wrote and he wrote and he wrote to her. This girl and her mum read some of the letters as her Gran had asked that they were looked at when she passed away. Some of them explained his love for her, some of them talked nonsense, about dreams, about wishes and desires. Unfortunately, he passed away whilst at sea and did not return after only a few times of marriage. Due to the times back then this girl’s Gran found out by a bundle of the letters she wrote being returned with a deceased stamp on them.  This girl’s Gran never went with anyone else after that, never remarried, just supported her family, with difficulty. He was her best friend and true love and that is exactly how this girl feels about Grimly. He is her everything.

She could not submit to him if it was any other way.

She has been with people that she has played with at clubs, or that she has played with when she was a pro-submissive. The experiences with them were not as deep or as meaningful as they are with Grim. It’s because whenever he puts a cuff on her, or wires her up to something, or whatever it might be that there is a knowledge there that its fun for both people involved, a fantasy for both people, and mutually erotic. This girl is lucky to have someone that is so compatible with her own fantasies that she can share this adventure with. 

Just because there is kink in the relationship it doesn’t make it meaningless.Rather, It makes it special because this girl and  Grimly have the confidence and comfort to be able to share each others fantasies rather than be one of the couples that protest ‘my wife/husband doesn’t understand me’. They understand most things about each other and this girl understands his needs as much as he does hers. That includes his fears, his insecurities and worries as well as his hopes and aspirations.

It should not be any other way. Being into bdsm or kink does not change your needs to have a meaningful relationship or to have someone that you can share your life with. So its a bit different. But it would be boring if we were all the same.

7 thoughts on “Friendship?

  1. TG,

    You’re terribly, TERRIBLY normal! This is how normal, healthy married relationships are supposed to work. Congrats!

  2. You mentioned several times your past experience as a Pro-Submissive, and I am very curious about this. I never met one, and would be very interested to read your take on it, should you agree to make a post on it the future 🙂 How was it ? How was it planned and executed ? What kind of supervision was here to protect you ? How did you manage to enter the “mindspace” with a stranger ? Memorable encounters, both good and bad ? Lots of questions, but I know your writing talent 🙂


  3. thanks kirk 🙂 i dont need anyone to congratulate me though its just how things are!

    Arnaud, the fact that i’m no longer a pro sub may give you some indication of my opinion of it. Though i’ll write something about sometime – though its mostly covered in my posts around the beginning of the blog.

    TG xx

  4. This is a topic I always found intriguing. Pro-Domme, I can perfectly imagine how that works. But Pro-Sub seems a mystery to me. I will have a look down the history lane of your blog then, thanks !


  5. sounds to me like you have a normal relationship with a fun twist 🙂

    BDSM aside, I think some people are confused about what a relationship is and how it is different from a fling or a casual sexual experience.

    Anyway, your relationship works for you and that is what is most important.

  6. congratulations: An expression of joy in the success or good fortune of another.

    So, dear, CONGRATS!


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