Playing to his tune

This girl has been a masochist for quite some time now. Even before really she knew what BDSM was she liked to inflict little bits of pain on herself and occasionally others because quite often it made a bad day feel better and was sensual as well. Nothing really all that major.  Of course, she didnt’ really understand it till she knew more about BDSM and about how involved it could be. But one thing is for sure, it’s better for a masochist to have a sadist – self infliction is no fun once you can realise what someone else can do to you.

Masochism for this girl is slightly layered.

First of all there is the physical sensation. The effect to the body, whether it be a twinge or a nip or a shock or whatever. The feeling that the pain itself has at a sort of very animal level.

Then on top of that, there are the thoughts that circulate in her head. Can i take this? What will happen next? Is this enough? Do I want more? How far will he push? Will I be able to take what he wants to do??

These are all thoughts that subconsciously go on. So given this, this girl never understands why people ask such basic questions like ‘how long were you like that?’. Time totally goes out the window. When you have all those other thoughts going on in your head as well as worrying what the fuck is going on in his you dont think about the real world as such. Just about what’s happening to you there and then. The best bit is of course when you can push all those things aside and just let go and relax into it, but to be honest , there are times when this girl finds that very difficult – it’s amazing when she can – but it’s so hard not to sometimes still get freaked by worrying and thinking about all that other stuff.

The best bits  happen when he controls it. This girl needs someone else to be in control of her sensations, of her pain, pleasure all that.

Being in control herself doesn’t work. The feelings a masochist needs to experience are best guided by someone else. Whenever this girl has tried to do stuff herself she has got bored – because she’s known what’s going to happen and what the limited possibilities are – and it’s never quite enough.She can’t push herself anywhere near as hard as what he can. It’s sort of dull and it doesn’t feed the addiction as well. Basically  that is what it is – an addiction. It’s possible to make BDSM sound pretty and pink and romantic – and sometimes it can be – but down there at the base of everything for a lot of people – including this girl – its an addiction of a very sexual and depraved nature.

This girl needs Grimly to feed that addiction. She can’t tell what’s going to happen next, she can’t stop it and yet she feels safe it wont go out of hand. This girl has seen the extent some people will go to in attempts to meet their addiction. Sometimes it will look dangerous – and sometimes it will be, sometimes it won’t – sometimes it will be consensual and be what both people want, but the danger can sometimes be that the addiction gets out of hand – the bottom will push for more, the top might want to take more…and it might go too far. This girl has never felt that things have gone too far with Grimly – but maybe it looks that way to other people??

This girl had a conversation with Grimly recently, about the need to go further, to go one better, to do something more impressive than the last time.

Because, sadists have that need too. Especially ones that have that creative streak! They want to show that what they do is the best. The best they can do. The best for their sub. The best in general – sometimes maybe a bit of an ego thing? Wanting to be admired is no bad thing really, yet sometimes, there is a feel that things get a bit competitive and it shouldn’t be like that since the main motive is to meet each others’ needs on a personal and intimate level. There shouldn’t really be any need to impress any one apart from each other …but there sometimes is. Maybe that’s part of her sadist’s addiction. She can live with that and with his ego, because she knows the loveable man beneath that.

This girl knows she has a bit of an ego too, hidden there. But this whole thing is her ego trip. This girl wouldn’t write about stuff if there wasn’t some sort of need to show off on at least one level. If it was for him only, it would be private. This girl has thought recently about making the blog private like a diary, just for him and close friends given some of the daft emails she gets and the comments that sometimes wind her up…but…she would be ignoring her need to share despite hating to admit any remotely egotistical feelings.

So sure, this girl has the need to try new things too. For him to make new stuff. For there to be new adventures to write about, and well to remember when she’s old and grey and looking back on this and no doubt shaking her head at her younger self. So, for that reason this girl does what she can to encourage his imagination and creativity so that things keep changing.

So one of the last new things experimented was musical electrics. The ET312 box has the capability for pulses  to be synchronised with sound. So, this girl took her keyboard up to Grimly’s and he rigged it up to the electrical box, whilst she was strapped to the subby stand – which has electrical contacts on the top for her to sit on. It was interesting – because she could play tunes and get zapped to their rhythm.  The picture isn’t great but you get the idea.

Tubular Hells Bells

Though, this girl didn’t really get too much out of it. She felt as though because she was controlling it herself a little , although he chose what she should play, she could choose how hard she hit the keys and she could easily press the stop button if she was quick enough! So, it didn’t really work. Maybe with further adjustments it would.

This girl needs Grimly to be in control. She enjoys the sensations the most when she cannot do anything to stop them – apart from maybe beg – or scream – or try and look at him with some sort of weak pleading look. This girl gets most out of it when she cant move and can’t do anything apart from accept what he wants.

So given that, she needs to play his tune, and go with what he wants, and let it just happen . That’s how it works. That’s how her masochism works – she needs him to control it, to control the addiction, and not let it get out of hand. Maybe that’s putting a lot of pressure and responsibility on him, but it’s what she needs.

Now the ‘music’ he likes  to conduct is  slightly elaborate, and eccentric and verging on over-indulgence…but so? Maybe that’s the reason conductors and composers seem slightly eccentrically domiant?

Although….at least he hasn’t gone to this extent to make her play to his tune :-

photo – Jim Duvall

now funnily enough..despite this girl being petrified of needles – there is something very erotic about that!

4 thoughts on “Playing to his tune

  1. Hi this girl,
    I loved your blog post and can relate to it a lot. I do understand the thoughts of having a private blog also. I’ve had the same thoughts myself. I hope that if you do, you’d allow me to still read as I enjoy your blog a lot and would be sad if I couldn’t read it.

    I’m really excited that your trip to Vancouver is coming up! I really hope we can meet each other. Thank you for introducing me to JG. I hope to meet him soon too. Hope you and Grimly are well.
    Hugs,
    padme

  2. hi Padme, i think i’l probably keep it going at least till i live with him, then i guess thats a different adventure altogether but then i’m probably too much of an exhibtionist not to share that too.

    i’m excited too cant wait to see you!

    *hugs*

    TG x

  3. You mention the aspect of wanting it to be more and bigger and more elaborate, and as you stated you feel thatGrimly never takes it too far. Not being there(but would enjoy being a fly on the wall sometime) the assumtion is that it is the randomness and the not falling into a rut which makes it work almost as well as getting larger or more elaborate.
    A sadist is a composer and conductor. An aspect you achieve which should be noted is that Grimly and you are confident that even with minimal feedback he is able to continue hitting new heights as he knows how to build to a cresendo. Looking at your overkill pictures, there can not be much feedback you can give him beyond some twitches and grunts, yet he knows how to play your tune the right way.
    Since you are using music as your muse might I’d like to suggest a few ways that you two could also use music. use a few pieces that you know. Bolero and the 1812 overture are two classics for controlled stim. There is that mind fuck aspect of knowing the cannons are coming, and if you can take more as it builds. Try using one of the “Hooked on” for a throbbing yet varied pattern.

    For that varied approach a mash up like using an Ipod on shuffle, or songs hard cut into each other so you can recognize some of it, yet not know if it will continue to the songs high point can be interesting. You have probably seen the History of Dance video. Imagine that being used while you are wired all over to get jolts from each musical nuance.
    Grimly doesn’t need any help, but I think is open to hearing a few ideas from those of us who have your best (worst) interest at heart.

    Tim

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