This girl has been a masochist for quite some time now. Even before really she knew what BDSM was she liked to inflict little bits of pain on herself and occasionally others because quite often it made a bad day feel better and was sensual as well. Nothing really all that major. Of course, she didnt’ really understand it till she knew more about BDSM and about how involved it could be. But one thing is for sure, it’s better for a masochist to have a sadist – self infliction is no fun once you can realise what someone else can do to you.
Masochism for this girl is slightly layered.
First of all there is the physical sensation. The effect to the body, whether it be a twinge or a nip or a shock or whatever. The feeling that the pain itself has at a sort of very animal level.
Then on top of that, there are the thoughts that circulate in her head. Can i take this? What will happen next? Is this enough? Do I want more? How far will he push? Will I be able to take what he wants to do??
These are all thoughts that subconsciously go on. So given this, this girl never understands why people ask such basic questions like ‘how long were you like that?’. Time totally goes out the window. When you have all those other thoughts going on in your head as well as worrying what the fuck is going on in his you dont think about the real world as such. Just about what’s happening to you there and then. The best bit is of course when you can push all those things aside and just let go and relax into it, but to be honest , there are times when this girl finds that very difficult – it’s amazing when she can – but it’s so hard not to sometimes still get freaked by worrying and thinking about all that other stuff.
The best bits happen when he controls it. This girl needs someone else to be in control of her sensations, of her pain, pleasure all that.
Being in control herself doesn’t work. The feelings a masochist needs to experience are best guided by someone else. Whenever this girl has tried to do stuff herself she has got bored – because she’s known what’s going to happen and what the limited possibilities are – and it’s never quite enough.She can’t push herself anywhere near as hard as what he can. It’s sort of dull and it doesn’t feed the addiction as well. Basically that is what it is – an addiction. It’s possible to make BDSM sound pretty and pink and romantic – and sometimes it can be – but down there at the base of everything for a lot of people – including this girl – its an addiction of a very sexual and depraved nature.
This girl needs Grimly to feed that addiction. She can’t tell what’s going to happen next, she can’t stop it and yet she feels safe it wont go out of hand. This girl has seen the extent some people will go to in attempts to meet their addiction. Sometimes it will look dangerous – and sometimes it will be, sometimes it won’t – sometimes it will be consensual and be what both people want, but the danger can sometimes be that the addiction gets out of hand – the bottom will push for more, the top might want to take more…and it might go too far. This girl has never felt that things have gone too far with Grimly – but maybe it looks that way to other people??
This girl had a conversation with Grimly recently, about the need to go further, to go one better, to do something more impressive than the last time.
Because, sadists have that need too. Especially ones that have that creative streak! They want to show that what they do is the best. The best they can do. The best for their sub. The best in general – sometimes maybe a bit of an ego thing? Wanting to be admired is no bad thing really, yet sometimes, there is a feel that things get a bit competitive and it shouldn’t be like that since the main motive is to meet each others’ needs on a personal and intimate level. There shouldn’t really be any need to impress any one apart from each other …but there sometimes is. Maybe that’s part of her sadist’s addiction. She can live with that and with his ego, because she knows the loveable man beneath that.
This girl knows she has a bit of an ego too, hidden there. But this whole thing is her ego trip. This girl wouldn’t write about stuff if there wasn’t some sort of need to show off on at least one level. If it was for him only, it would be private. This girl has thought recently about making the blog private like a diary, just for him and close friends given some of the daft emails she gets and the comments that sometimes wind her up…but…she would be ignoring her need to share despite hating to admit any remotely egotistical feelings.
So sure, this girl has the need to try new things too. For him to make new stuff. For there to be new adventures to write about, and well to remember when she’s old and grey and looking back on this and no doubt shaking her head at her younger self. So, for that reason this girl does what she can to encourage his imagination and creativity so that things keep changing.
So one of the last new things experimented was musical electrics. The ET312 box has the capability for pulses to be synchronised with sound. So, this girl took her keyboard up to Grimly’s and he rigged it up to the electrical box, whilst she was strapped to the subby stand – which has electrical contacts on the top for her to sit on. It was interesting – because she could play tunes and get zapped to their rhythm. The picture isn’t great but you get the idea.
Though, this girl didn’t really get too much out of it. She felt as though because she was controlling it herself a little , although he chose what she should play, she could choose how hard she hit the keys and she could easily press the stop button if she was quick enough! So, it didn’t really work. Maybe with further adjustments it would.
This girl needs Grimly to be in control. She enjoys the sensations the most when she cannot do anything to stop them – apart from maybe beg – or scream – or try and look at him with some sort of weak pleading look. This girl gets most out of it when she cant move and can’t do anything apart from accept what he wants.
So given that, she needs to play his tune, and go with what he wants, and let it just happen . That’s how it works. That’s how her masochism works – she needs him to control it, to control the addiction, and not let it get out of hand. Maybe that’s putting a lot of pressure and responsibility on him, but it’s what she needs.
Now the ‘music’ he likes to conduct is slightly elaborate, and eccentric and verging on over-indulgence…but so? Maybe that’s the reason conductors and composers seem slightly eccentrically domiant?
Although….at least he hasn’t gone to this extent to make her play to his tune :-
photo – Jim Duvall
now funnily enough..despite this girl being petrified of needles – there is something very erotic about that!