Two o words – orgasms and obedience. It seems lately they sort of have gone hand in hand a bit. The whole orgasm thing has been a bit broken, but the obedience thing has been VERY broken! Note – this is a very honest blog and just really thoughts this girl is having…
Sometimes this whole distance thing is hard you know. To maintain the D/s part of the relationship as much over the miles as someone does who is with their partner constantly is difficult. Though of course, not impossible.
There are of course little things that make it work..it’s not exactly completely cold turkey. Regular contact being the main one and doing little things to keep each other smiling. Maybe for this girl thats’ partly writing here…for him its working in the shed. Oh and lately he has been working in the shed A LOT. Though sometimes its still hard. This girl wants to be controlled, and gets really aroused by that…but sometimes perhaps she sends him totally mixed signals. She has days where she really does not have anything close to a submissive mindset. Oh part of it is probably to do with the fact that a lot of the time she is not with him she is working extremely hard at trying to make ends meet, and all that sort of daily nonsense. It’s difficult to really feel submissive, whilst she has that to contend with and the distance. It’s like another world. It’s like with him things are magical and all works and it all feels great, and without, well, it’s like having this sort of really dull non-existence. It’s a bit dreary.
To be honest this girl is getting totally fed up with the long distance thing. Totally. Of course, this is better than not being with him, but its just repeated sub drop. It goes from being amazing and mindblowingly kinky to being surrounded by monotony and people with extremely closed minds. Half the time this girl wants to scream ‘come on get me out of here’. It’s irritating.
No doubt this girl has said this before, but it’s so much like an addiction. Something marvellous,magical, wonderful and exhilirating…and then…sort of gone. So perhaps this girl has a bit of the jingle-jangles lately, withdrawal symptoms and what not. This girl should be handling that better but she isn’t. Is the fact that it doesn’t get easier a good thing – testament of her love for him – if she was able to cope would it mean that wasn’t as strong? But its not really fair on him. Ok,maybe its fine for him to have a girl who is completely besotted with him and has him on a pedestal but is it fair that she’s too moody and hormal and stupid to remember it when she’s not totally under his spell???
It’s not. This girl hasn’t really treated him with the amount of respect he deserves recently and has snapped a bit at him when he’s not deserved it and not really behaved in a very good manner at all. The thing with Grimly is that he makes this girl feel good when she doesn’t…he is always the one that fixes everything, but should that really be only the responsibility of the dominant?? Most days, when this girl hears his voice or thinks about him she feels better, it sort of puts a smile on her face for the rest of the day, it kind of gives her a bit of bounce. So it stands to reason he feels the same when he talks to her, sometimes he is the one that needs cheering up, needs a bit of a lift, needs to be made to feel a bit special – and this girl has to be honest that she isn’t always sure whether she does as good a job at that as what he does. Though, as she said, she’s on a bit of a down lately so maybe beating herself up a little over this. But, she knows over the last three or four weeks there have been loads of times where she’s snapped at him, or whinged at him , or something else unbecoming. It isn’t how she wants to be.
Perhaps her mind has subconsciously been telling her that. She hasn’t really been acting too much like his slave recently, or at least not since she was last there and that feels like so long ago. This girl does not want to be one of those people who everyone thinks is some sort of weekend camper, or someone who just plays at it when they feel like it. She isn’t. She wants to be his the whole time, she wants to show him how special she can make that…she’s just lately…been kind of rubbish at it. As she said, this girl knows her mind is telling her that.
This girl has written several times before about how Grimly can make her orgasm just from a certain word or a click of his fingers – that word is slave – and that works over the phone, and from cold as well as during play or during sex. Since she was last there though, it’s not worked very much. This girl thought at first that maybe her mind was too exhausted or maybe the magic was fading a bit in that the sort of the spell or the hypnotic effect of his control was maybe wearing off a bit. Though it’s not . She wants to be controlled and certainly sexually controlled more than ever, but perhaps her mind has just really been saying ‘you know you don’t deserve this’. It has certainly felt like that.
Obedience and orgasm seem to go hand in hand.
The orgasms are far better really when they are deserved – when she’s done something to please him, or gone through some sort of torturous ordeal for his entertainment. The best orgasms this girl has ever had have been when she’s been really uncomfortable, really restricted…and sort of in some sort of weird zone between a mix of pain and pleasure. The second best have been when she knows that he’s happy with her.
Suppose this whole BDSM thing only works if both people really mean it. If you don’t believe the magic is going to work then it wont. He could say the things that make her orgasm, but if he said it half heartedly then it wouldn’t work, and it wouldn’t work if this girl didn’t felt she was worthy of it – whether her mind consciously thinks that or not. Sometimes, that idea of ultimate control is a little appealing – what if there could be *more* what if there could be something that is the fantasy the whole time? Though this girl doesn’t believe really in that possiblity, she could not devote her whole life just to BDSM. It couldn’t be her main drive in life. Does that mean she’s not really a slave then after all? Some people will probably think that. This girl wants a balanced life -sort of brilliant kink when its possible – and a tolerable vanilla existence when its not. Well more than tolerable would be better still. Lately, this girl doesn’t feel balanced at all , its’ like one of the scales is sky high and the other rock bottom and she’s not really sure how to snap out of that.
Certainly, at the moment she doesnt’ feel much like a slave, she doesnt really feel much like anything apart from someone who is overworked and tired and taking it out on their beloved…which isn’t fair. This girl doesn’t want kink to take over her life, she doesn’t want work to take over her life, or anything else for that matter. She just wants it to sort of all work out properly. At the moment she feels pretty sort of negative about things, ok there’s a certain type of therapy that will make all that feel better 😉 This girl is just scared that she will stop looking forward to seeing him because the after affects are horrible. She can’t live with him …or without him that’s for sure!
This girl wants to start feeling more his again, feeling more controlled. It’s hard to do that without maybe putting pressure on him to be more controlling, especially when half the time she’ll then send him mixed messages by rebelling against that. This girl probably wants a lot. She wants to feel owned, and loved and feel worthy. Though she really needs to think about what he wants too….what he needs…
And she really needs to start bending over backwards to make sure he knows how special and loved he is..
.and how much she wants to obey him. This girl has a few opportunities coming up of proving herself worthy of being his….let’s hope she doesn’t fuck it up.
She knows what she does wrong…and there’s no excusing it.
Though of course…there are things she’s good at too….like being his bondage toy….at least she doesn’t fuck that up eh? 😉