When this girl was going through a bit of experimentation with topping, she was once approached in a fet club by someone who made the following remark, after having seen her play with her fem sub at the time-
‘What you did looked hot, do you do guys too?’
And that always felt a bit offensive, because, it makes play sound a bit like a transaction or processing a person. And its really not like that. So she said….no.
The thing is though, is it maybe what masochists deep down really want?? To be ‘done’, to be given a hit of whatever they need to feel good about themselves? BDSM is an addiction of sorts, with some people that addiction can soar to a dangerous level, where more is always desired and each time they are looking for a bigger rush than before.
This girl sometimes feels guilty for saying no to that person at the club. Not all that much, because his approach was wrong, and rather ignorant of the fact that her sub was still coming down and requiring a little aftercare, but his approach would have been fed by that addiction, one this girl understands all too well herself and was her own reason for seeking out Grimly.
This girl found Grimly because she had a need for her own desires and cravings to be met, and he seemed totally capable of meeting them. In the past, Grimly had played with a lot of people casually and had always been about giving them the experience they wanted from his equipment and his expertise. Bespoke sadism if you like. Of course, he got pleasure out of that and so did they…but the whole idea of that…and of casual play itself strikes this girl as usually a very top heavy transaction with the bottom receiving possibly far more out of it than the top, because when the last stroke falls or the last lock is undone – its over – and the bottom may have the orgasms and the marks and the blissed out feeling, but the top really only has the satisfaction of a job well done. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, when this girl topped she often felt quite satisfied from being able to put someone in sub space, or from getting a really orgasmic sounding scream out of somebody…but…the effects for her have always been more rewarding and longer lasting from being on the other end. Though, she is, essentially, much more of a masochist than a sadist.
When she met Grimly it was basically because she wanted to experience ‘more’, to try things a bit wilder, and a bit more interesting than your old impact sports. Something that would have a longer effect and rush on her body and mind. And yeah, probably she wanted to be ‘done’ by him. Not fucked that is, just sort of, lifted into that sort of spacy pleasure with pain mingled place.
The first couple of times she was completely done. Or undone. 😉 This girl insisted that he would not be able to get her to orgasm or scream and he managed both in a number of devious ways. Always one to meet a challenge. She came, he conquered, or something like that.
Somebody wrote something on IC recently about ‘do me subs’ …..
Defintion : A”Do Me” sub is one who tells a Domme what he wants and what she is allowed to do to him, he is demanding and needy – he expects her to do to him all that he wants and isn’t concerned about her needs, he is bratty and manipulative in order to get what he wants – he is not a sub, he’s someone who only desires to be pleased and enjoy what he desires, in short… a “Do Me” sub is a selfish person only out for what he can get.
This girl asked Grimly if she is like that sometimes. Knowing the answer.
Which is of course…yes. Occasionally.
Hell, we all have our selfish moments at times when our cravings and addictions overtake us a bit. This girl has never really said to Grimly what he can and can’t do , but she has in honesty probably quite often put a lot of expectation upon him to do crazy breath-taking dastardly things to her.
And that might be a bit one sided – if it was casual play.
But it isn’t. Its part of a loving relationship with elements of control and fantasy. Because Grimly is so good at what he does, this girl sometimes expects certain things to happen, and is a bit complacent to it and takes him a bit for granted. He always puts 110% + effort into everything he makes and everything he does, and she feels bad that she doesn’t always feel that she does the same. This year though she really wants to work on that.
Its not to say she doesn’t bring things to the relationship herself, she does. Its not as though he is playing with a wooden doll. This girl tries to give him ideas, things to build, ways of combining different things. She feels good from what he does, and so does he.
Though sometimes she wishes she could do more with the submission thing. A friend said to her the other day that she’s possibly not submissive. That sometimes trying to put on a submissive front for a lot of people can be an act, and a pretence, and not really be a proper representation of what they really want. He said really the desire to feel the sensations of BDSM, or to inflict them can be a lot more honest than D/s for some people.
It gave this girl a lot to think about. There may be an element of truth in that for her and Grimly. Is she really submissive? Is he really a dominant?
A guy on fetlife asked this girl the other day –
so are you true 24/7 or just big time play with vanilla life also?
Just big time play? Like its a bad thing? Like being enslaved 24/7 is the only ideal?
This girl is enslaved all the time, but probably not in the same way a lot of people define it. She can sink into that headspace at just a click of his fingers, or a glance, or something really small, but, yeah, she has a ‘real life’ too – and couldnt function without one.
This girl has been thinking quite a lot recently about what it is that she actually wants. What she actually is, and whether she can be ‘better’.
At the moment this girl would say, being brutually honest, she is a masochist, and one who loves intolerable pleasure, which he is confidently capable of inflicting to all sorts of weird specifications.
There’s more to it than masochism though. More to it than being ‘done. Though if there wasn’t, it wouldnt matter, as long as both were happy.
This girl is also a lover of being controlled, of being brainwashed, and of feeling as though she is *his*. She likes play being combined with reassurance of who is in control and of the fact that he can push amazing little buttons in her head with orgasmic results.
Thats kinda how it is. The S&M reinforces the control he has, and encourages her to do as he wishes, because there will be consequences that she might not like.
Though mostly its an extremely elaborate erotic fantasy.
This girl *knows* that Grimly enjoys it more when she is obedient, and does as he wishes. She knows that its part of his fantasy, and there are times when he is so dominant and so sexy that she wants nothing more too…but sometimes…she just cant resist the temptation to be bad….
Though ultimately…no doubt the brat will be controlled and completely undone – and deep down she really wants that.