Being ‘done’

When this girl was going through a bit of experimentation with topping, she was once approached in a fet club by someone who made the following remark, after having seen her play with her fem sub at the time-

‘What you did looked hot, do you do guys too?’

And that always felt a bit offensive, because, it makes play sound a bit like a transaction or processing a person. And its really not like that. So she said….no.

The thing is though, is it maybe what masochists deep down really want?? To be ‘done’, to be given a hit of whatever they need to feel good about themselves? BDSM is an addiction of sorts, with some people that addiction can soar to a dangerous level, where more is always desired and each time they are looking for a bigger rush than before.

This girl sometimes feels guilty for saying no to that person at the club. Not all that much, because his approach was wrong, and rather ignorant of the fact that her sub was still coming down and requiring a little aftercare, but his approach would have been fed by that addiction, one this girl understands all too well herself and was her own reason for seeking out Grimly.

This girl found Grimly because she had a need for her own desires and cravings to be met, and he seemed totally capable of meeting them.  In the past, Grimly had played with a lot of people casually and had always been about giving them the experience they wanted from his equipment and his expertise.  Bespoke sadism if you like. Of course, he got pleasure out of that and so did they…but the whole idea of that…and of casual play itself strikes this girl as usually a very top heavy transaction with the bottom receiving possibly far more out of it than the top, because when the last stroke falls or the last lock is undone – its over – and the bottom may have the orgasms and the marks and the blissed out feeling, but the top really only has the satisfaction of a job well done. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, when this girl topped she often felt quite satisfied from being able to put someone in sub space, or from getting a really orgasmic sounding scream out of somebody…but…the effects for her have always been more rewarding and longer lasting from being on the other end. Though, she is, essentially, much more of a masochist than a sadist.

When she met Grimly it was basically because she wanted to experience ‘more’, to try things a bit wilder, and a bit more interesting than your old impact sports. Something that would have a longer effect and rush on her body and mind. And yeah, probably she wanted to be ‘done’ by him. Not fucked that is, just sort of, lifted into that sort of spacy pleasure with pain mingled place.

The first couple of times she was completely done. Or undone. 😉 This girl insisted that he would not be able to get her to orgasm or scream and he managed both in a number of devious ways. Always one to meet a challenge. She came, he conquered, or something like that.

Somebody wrote something on IC recently about ‘do me subs’ …..

Defintion :  A”Do Me” sub is one who tells a Domme what he wants and what she is allowed to do to him, he is demanding and needy – he expects her to do to him all that he wants and isn’t concerned about her needs, he is bratty and manipulative in order to get what he wants – he is not a sub, he’s someone who only desires to be pleased and enjoy what he desires, in short… a “Do Me” sub is a selfish person only out for what he can get.

This girl asked Grimly if she is like that sometimes. Knowing the answer.

Which is of course…yes. Occasionally.

Hell, we all have our selfish moments at times when our cravings and addictions overtake us a bit. This girl has never really said to Grimly what he can and can’t do , but she has in honesty probably quite often put a lot of expectation upon him to do crazy breath-taking dastardly things to her.

And that might be a bit one sided – if it was casual play.

But it isn’t. Its part of a loving relationship with elements of control and fantasy. Because Grimly is so good at what he does, this girl sometimes expects certain things to happen, and is a bit complacent to it and takes him a bit for granted. He always puts 110% + effort into everything he makes and everything he does, and she feels bad that she doesn’t always feel that she does the same. This year though she really wants to work on that.

Its not to say she doesn’t bring things to the relationship herself, she does. Its not as though he is playing with a wooden doll. This girl tries to give him ideas, things to build, ways of combining different things. She feels good from what he does, and so does he.

Though sometimes she wishes she could do more with the submission thing. A friend said to her the other day that she’s possibly not submissive. That sometimes trying to put on a submissive front for a lot of people can be an act, and a pretence, and not really be a proper representation of what they really want. He said really the desire to feel the sensations of BDSM, or to inflict them can be a lot more honest than D/s for some people.

It gave this girl a lot to think about. There may be an element of truth in that for her and Grimly. Is she really submissive? Is he really a dominant?

A guy on fetlife asked this girl the other day –

so are you true 24/7 or just big time play with vanilla life also?

Just big time play? Like its a bad thing? Like being enslaved 24/7 is the only ideal?

This girl is enslaved all the time, but probably not in the same way a lot of people define it. She can sink into that headspace at just a click of his fingers, or a glance, or something really small, but, yeah, she has a ‘real life’ too – and couldnt function without one.

This girl has been thinking quite a lot recently about what it is that she actually wants. What she actually is, and whether she can be ‘better’.

At the moment this girl would say, being brutually honest, she is a masochist, and one who loves intolerable pleasure, which he is confidently capable of inflicting  to all sorts of weird specifications.

There’s more to it than masochism though. More to it than being ‘done. Though if there wasn’t, it wouldnt matter, as long as both were happy.

This girl is also a lover of being controlled, of being brainwashed, and of feeling as though she is *his*. She likes play being combined with reassurance of who is in control and of the fact that he can push amazing little buttons in her head with orgasmic results.

Thats kinda how it is. The S&M reinforces the control he has, and encourages her to do as he wishes, because there will be consequences that she might not like.

Though mostly its an extremely elaborate erotic fantasy.

This girl *knows* that Grimly enjoys it more when she is obedient, and does as he wishes. She knows that its part of his fantasy, and there are times when he is so dominant and so sexy that she wants nothing more too…but sometimes…she just cant resist the temptation to be bad….

Though ultimately…no doubt the brat will be controlled and completely undone – and deep down she really wants that.

6 thoughts on “Being ‘done’

  1. Intolerable pleasure. What a wonderful phrase to explain that point that is the best. You also have captured well what is the enjoyment of topping, having control, using the human body like an instrument being conducted into an orgasmic cresendo.
    There is a submissive side when you say you want to feel owned and by giving up control. The masocistic side comes out more when you you let him know, “is that all you’ve got?” or giving a bit of “do me” when you challenge him to do his darndest!

  2. “A guy on fetlife asked this girl the other day –

    so are you true 24/7 or just big time play with vanilla life also?”

    The thing I really like about this blog is that you unashamedly do your own thing – there seems to be some perception out there amongst many people that BDSM and submission must be all or nothing, that there is a prescribed behavior that all subs and doms must adhere to, or they’re not ‘real’.

    What tosh!

    My girlfriend and myself are still experimenting – I’m naturally submissive, but shes not so naturally a dom, so we do things we both want, and I help her out with the dom side of things (ie, suggestions, encouragement and support) when she’s not so sure of it. Does this make us an illegetimate d/s relationship? I’d hazard that most people would say ‘yes’, which saddens me slightly.

    This blog is great because its *real*, not a fantasy version of what some sub/dom would like to happen. And it’s written by someone who can express themselves well through the written word, which makes a change 🙂

    Anyway, the whole point of this ramble is to say – its nice to know there are some sensible people around this scene, and that they choose to share some of their experiences with us!

  3. I think what you’ve touched on here is a feeling many of us have inside that is not easily put into words. Often times we’re asked or even ask ourselves, why are we submissive or dominant, what we like about the role, how we approach it, etc… It’s the how we approach it that I am not sure anyone can truly understand when it comes down to it. That’s who we are and it’s a personality trait. We can understand all day long why we think we do certain things, but in reality, we just don’t always know.

    The topping from the bottom idea is one I’ve heard many different thoughts on. Is it being selfish? Well, if it is essentially a list of demands with no room for anything else, then yes, it’s very selfish…. and probably the result of a casual visitor to our community and not of a resident. When we’re fortunate enough to have situations like THis Girl and Grimly….things are allowed to constantly branch out and develop into new exciting mental areas that we just can’t touch on casually.

  4. To my mind, “do me” subs are just lazy pleasureseekers who can’t even take partial responsibility for their own enjoyment. They want it to be entirely down to someone else to make things great for them as they lay there and enjoy themselves, submitting only to having a fantastic time, with no effort on their part. Quite what they think a Dominant will get from this is beyond me.

    So often on a certain rubber site, and similar places, I get mails telling me how great my pictures are and how the writer would love me to be their Mistress blah blah , and then launching straight into detailed descriptions of exactly how I could make their fantasies come true and just what I could do for them.

    And it’s true, I could do all that, and more, but if I reply to them at all, I tend to find myself writing something along the lines of, “thanks for the mail and the detailed shopping list. You are indeed correct that I could make all that happen for you, but I’d love to hear why I would want to’. I don’t usually hear from them again and I don’t consider it a loss in any sense.

    On the question of submission, I have thought about this a fair bit recently, as a result of a few of your recent blogs. I haven’t commented until now because my thoughts hadn’t quite clarified.

    I would say that whether your submissiveness comes from a natural submissive urge, or a simple desire to do for Grimly what pleases him, is not actually especially relevant. You want to do it, even though you find it difficult. And who would not struggle sometimes? You are a strong-willed, intelligent, capable woman with her own mind and her own ideas and thoughts. I think it’s really only doormat types without a strong sense of self and without much of a personality who find submission easy. And they’re the ones who’ll submit to anything willing to look their way, usually. To me that makes their submission virtually worthless.

    It’s worth so much more when you submit to someone because you want to submit *to that person*, not just because you want to submit. That you find it difficult and yet still want to do it makes it that much more valuable.

    At least, that’s how I see it.

    That said, I don’t view submission as a ‘gift’ to be given. It’s Domination that takes most (or often all) of the effort and energy and it’s Domination that is the gift. There are a lot of selfish subs who don’t appreciate that. They think their submission is a great offering and any Dom(me) should be grateful for it. Um, no, I think not.

    It’s not the submission itself I value, per se. Instead, it is the demonstration of trust in me shown when I offer my Domination and it is accepted, and the knowledge that my sub has the same respect for me as I have for them.

    In the past I have played with people I neither respected nor really liked. They were animated pieces of meat to be tormented. It was what they wanted, to be treated as if they had no rights and didn’t matter – to be “done”, if you like. For me it was a hollow experience, nothing more really than target practice that moved and squealed. Never again. I’ve learned from experience it’s so much better to save these things for someone with whom you can connect.

    However, with that connection, I think, comes the fact that one can never truly be “done”. It will always be something more.

    And thus ends another essay!

  5. V, I admit to being a pleasure-seeker, though, not a lazy one. lol.

    I will put ideas into his head of things to do, and he’ll never do them. Or at least, not my way. His. lol. I’ll do what I can to inspire him and give him a starting point for something new where I can.

    When I met Grimly i didn’t have a shopping list. Cuz i really didn’t know what I wanted. He asked me the first time what I wanted to try, not knowing I said everything and more or less left it up to him. I think what works with us is it suits me for him to be able to do what he wants, knowing what sort of things that entails and it suits him because he doesn’t feel limited by me, i’m open-minded enough for him. He’s had subs who have said ‘i’ll c ome and play but i’ll not do electrics’ etc and they’ll list things that are big kinks for him.

    I know i’m not ‘naturally’ submissive, or a believer of the whole submission is a gift nonsense. I want his control and his authority but I want it because he can encourage it, not cuz i’m choosing to be placid.

    You’re right its much more important it happening with someone you respect than someone that sees you as a transaction.

    TG x

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