Falling for an illusion

This girl read and contributed to a thread on fetlife a few days ago entitled ‘are tools of the trade important’. The thread asked : “When looking for a potential Dom/Master/Sadist, how important is it that he have tools/toys like a St. Andrews cross, or a spanking bench, or stocks, or some suspension device? And, how important is having a play space at home (dungeon), or is club space adequate?”

There weren’t many people who said it was important. This girl did, but she was very much in the minority.

When this girl met Grimly, part of the attraction was the image he presented, and that image included obvious signs that he had a great deal of ability and imagination. It wasn’t an image that seemed to be made up, or put on to impress her – its just how he was. He seemed to be able to quite easily prove that he was what he made out to be.

When you are looking for a Dom, especially if that hunt includes considering people you first meet online, it’s really hard to be sucked in by an illusion. It easy for someone to say ‘i am this’ and ‘i am that ‘, as though they are God’s gift and its easy for someone to come across as though they might be the most perfect Dom on the planet – but then its even easier to believe that when you are desperately hoping that there might be someone out there for you on your level.

This is a fact. A lot of people can be desperate, or maybe desperate is too strong a word – but looking so eagerly for someone that will make all their fantasies come true that they might look at someone with rosy coloured glasses, and not really see what is really there in the hope that even if that person isn’t quite right, they might change into the fantasy, and its just as easy for men to think that of women as it is for women to think that of men, if not more so.

Gosh, this girl has fallen for that one. Its like what she said about the election thing. It’s easy to believe promises if its what you want to hear. There needs to be a bit of back up. Something to support those promises, otherwise, chances are things could ultimately lead to disappointment for one or both of the people involved. Yep, its easy to get fooled or do the fooling on the web, and so many people talk the talk without really that many people knowing whether they really are what they make out. Some people probably don’t do it intentionally they just want to meet Β a partner too, and paint this whole picture of how great a Dom or sub they are and then just sorta wing it when it comes to the crunch.

This girl has had one disastrous D/s relationship and one successful one, so she doesn’t pretend to know it all, she doesn’t, but she has learnt from her mistakes, and learnt in a hard and costly way at times, so, she knows a bit about what she’s talking about here before anyone comes along and says this is too harsh. This girl has met people that are pretending they are all that, and people that really are everything they claim, and the latter can be friends well worth hanging on to.

When this girl met Grimly, she’d been through that disappointment stage, of realising that her masochistic fantasies weren’t really being met, she hadn’t at that point realised the D/s wasn’t working either – but that realisation came later too.

When she came across Grimly, it was something he wrote that caught her eye, and then further investigation showed his pictures and details of what he did.

Having all the toys there didn’t really prove too much, it’s easy to buy things and not know what you’re doing with them. This girl herself has bought a few things that she wouldn’t know how to operate, yet, enjoys having used on her!

It was more the fact that he could say with enough evidence (from word of mouth) that he had actually created most of his equipment himself, and that was part of the wow bit. He could easily prove he had imagination and creativity, though at the time, this girl was just really completely blinded and bewildered by all the possibilities that might lead to. Yeah, like anything, it was a bit of a gamble as to whether it would be as good as she thought it would be and on whether there would be a spark, but it was there, it worked.

His toys are a big part of this girl’s BDSM.

Yes, there are Doms that can do the job quite capably with stuff hanging in the kitchen or whatever, but this girl has now kinda been a bit spoilt in that kitchen implements wouldn’t do it for her. That doesn’t mean she’s saying its not good to modify and adapt day to day things – it is, but, she’s used to things he adapts being leather, wood, metal…and most of all her mind. She obviously didn’t know how capable he would be at actually getting into her head till several months had passed of playing with him, but, she was shown pretty quickly that physically he could make pretty much most of her fantasises happen.

This girl’s earliest fantasies always involved either medieval torture or weird sort of scientific experiments, either way, the fantasies she had always involved an element of the right ambience being present, the right equipment to create the physical sensations, and the right personality to inflict the torment upon her.

Three out of three for Grimly lol

He was able to provide the right setting, the right equipment, and the right devious and crafty mind.

Its all ingredients that are needed to lead to the illusion feeling real. Because, thats sort of what its like;BDSM.

Its like a sort of magic filled fantasy when its done properly, its that sort of feeling of ‘oh my God i never thought this could happen to me and somehow it is’ that sort of feeling incredibly fucked and doomed but incredibly lucky at the same time.

This girl never really thought much of magicians. Always sort of sceptical of it, trying to wonder how the hell it all worked, because some of the stuff , it couldn’t be real could it?

There have been times when she’s been a bit like that over the stuff he’s done to her. Trying to work out how he’s got into her head this much, trying to figure out why she’s changed from what she was, to what she is i.e more submissive to him with a greater need to want to please him and obey him, and less questioning of the twisted stuff he does to her.

Its a lot more magical to just let it happen.

There are certain things this girl has stopped trying to figure out. Like the whole controlled orgasm thing.

Before it happened to her, this girl would not have believed it was possible, but it is. Conditioning, programming, whatever, he put something in her head. Was it because she wanted it? Was it because he made it happen? Was it both?

This girl doesn’t really think about that too much now, she just takes it as a given that its how things are. That he has that sexual power over her, and always will, and so much other control as well, but not really more control than she would want in her life. He doesn’t want to rule her life for goodness sake, he just wants a coffee when he asks for one and not ten minutes later! lol

And, probably, different things make Doms magical for their subbies. If we were all the same it would be very boring indeed. For some subbies it might be how wonderful their Master’s cock is , or it might be how brilliantly dominant they are, but for this girl a big bit of what makes Grimly special for her is his creativity and his ability to engineer the fantasy exactly to his devious specifications.

He’s a showman really.

It’s about making everything look and feel amazing for his girl, and well, for anyone else that notices.


This girl’s pretty lucky.

Older posts on a similar theme :-

6 thoughts on “Falling for an illusion

  1. Not that I am ever likely to be looking for a Dom, (and for that I’d expect all the Dominant males, and some of the Dominant females in the world to be breathing a sigh of relief, if they knew me), but this blog really made me think.

    I’m lacking a lot of things in terms of equipment and play space, and even time and freedom to play, due to my situation. However, whether or not that means I should be passed over by a sub in favour of someone with more kit, I think, depends on a number of things.

    It mostly comes down to what the sub wants, and factors that I rate way ahead of actual physical equipment. Like do they feel comfortable with me? Do they feel able to trust me enough to establish the beginnings of a play relationship successfully? Do we have similar outlooks? By that I mean not only do out BDSM interests align to some degree, but also do we have things outside of BDSM to talk about? Are we suited intellectually? Will we interest one another both inside the play space and outside of it. Am I able to challenge the sub and do they have enough of a spark to challenge me, and to keep me thinking? I can’t abide doormats, so are they willing and able to make decisions and largely run their own lives?

    It’s those sorts of considerations which I feel are the really important ones, and I’d rate a match on those criteria much more highly than appreciating how much kit someone has. After all, kit can always be added to later, but a personality and expectation mismatch is likely always to be such.

    So if a sub liked me and felt comfortable with me, I’d think them a bit of a twit for ruling me out as a potential Dominant partner on the basis of how much stuff I do or do not have.

    That said, sometimes yes, kit is important. There are a lot of possibilities within BDSM that just cannot be achived without the right stuff. And if a sub is fixated on a certain scenario or type of scenario, it’s going to be hard to fulfill that without the necessary kit.

    You are indeed very lucky to have a Master with the imagination and skills necessary to be able to make the things necessary to make you fantasies happen.

    Personally I am endlessly frustrated by the way I continually come up with ideas but lack the skills, workspace and money for equipment and raw materials to make them happen. But I know it won’t be forever. I can learn new skills and my circumstances can and will be changed. And my imagination will still be there when that happens. And if in the meantime that leaves me perverting kitchen items, going away to a cottage with beams and making use of a hammock and working on fashioning suspension cuffs from bubble wrap and duct tape because I lack such items, well I still seem to achieve a good end result.

    And as so much of what we do is about mental attitude and head space, a lot can be achieved with very little equipment. Some of my best work has been with very minimal kit, just presented in the right way and with the sub in the correctly receptive frame of mind.

    And as long as both I and my subbie are happy, that’s what counts most to me.

    To be honest, I think that’s half the battle there, really. In a pairing where a sub and a Dom really care for each other and respect one another, prtty much anything is possible. Whatever else is necessary to make it work can be achieved with a little effort and thought, if the willingness and desire is there.

    I know that all Grimly’s toys are the icing on the cake, so to speak; the part that makes everything just perfect. But consider for a second what he can do to you with his voice alone, or with a touch, in the right place at the right time… And tell me, is all the kit really vital? πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€

    A soulmate and a great Dom are just that, with or without a St. Andrew’s Cross. That said, I still *very much* want a play room!!

  2. Oops, verbal diarrhoea again…

    Or is that typographic diarrhoea?

  3. Right, ok i agree with most of what you have said, though, i was mostly writing about what the initial attraction was.

    I only found out about what he was like as a man, as a partner and best friend after knowing him longer (bear in mind we first played after only communicating about six weeks with one meeting in public so I wasn’t necessarily to know every little in and out thing about him). But it was what i knew of his abilities – and that was based on his imagination and creativity to make this stuff rather than him actually having it that was the attraction.

    A male dom, possibly more than a female one, probably needs ‘something’ to stand them out from the crowd, especially when they live especially in a remote area.

    Some people have compared our little corner of the world to a sort of BDSM ‘disney land’. There has to be something sort of special here for someone to want to travel to this most ridiculously remote place!

    As someone who travelled here recently said :

    “Some told me I was insane. “He’s a sadist!”, I was told, “Have you *seen* his pictures? What he does to this girl?”. Yes, I had and I thought it looked so different and unusual I wanted to try it”

    I think that makes my point.

    Do you think this person would have travelled 600 miles for someone with a drawer full of kitchen pervertibles? Although, of course ktitchen pervertibles have their uses!


  4. I don’t know, personally, what it’s like to be a male Dominant but yes, I’m sure you’re right when you say a certain ‘something’ to make them stand out from the crowd is needed in order to attract a good play partner. That is certainly the case for me, when it comes to subs – they need to have a ‘spark’ and there needs to be a connection.

    I can definitely see your point though that the equipment and play space Grimly has created demonstrated his imagination and creativity, and that was part of what initially interested you. I can hardly argue with that since, as you have pointed out, I felt much the same way!

    Having said that, in my case at least, it was as much about the person as his ability to be sadistically inventive. I just had a feeling that both you and Grimly would be people I would enjoy meeting. I’ve known Doms in the past with a great deal of imagination and creativity. A couple of them were similar to Grimly in that they had made a lot of their own equipment and had created fabulous playrooms in their homes. However, despite their ability and the fact I knew they were very capable Dominants, I never felt tempted to play with any of them. I don’t know that I can put my finger specifically on the differences though.

    So, I suppose when looking for a Dominant a ‘something’ is important, and sometimes that something can be equipment.

    Regarding travelling to visit, I would probably have done that anyway at some point, just probably not so soon. I don’t consider 600 miles to be too far to travel to meet people I think I’ll like and to see a place I’ve not seen before. I’d been talking about doing a trip to meet some of the Scottish RPers for months anyway. I’m still hoping to get up there again in the not-too-distant future to meet a few more. πŸ™‚ I’d have flown up for herbie’s party if I’d had half a chance (and an invite!).

    BDSM Disneyland eh? Does that make you Minnie Mouse or Daisy Duck? And what on Earth would that make Grimly…?! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€ Actually don’t answer that… I’m thinking something that would get me into a lot of trouble indeed, I am sure! LOL

    As for kitchem pervertibles, that reminds me, I must order another Reamer!

  5. I think it depends. Just because someone has all the toys doesn’t mean they have the imagination and creativity on how to use them. And just because someone doesn’t have toys doesn’t mean they can’t be fun. It really depends on the person. Being tied up to the St. Andrews cross every day and whipped for an hour in the same way would probably get boring. On the other hand one day getting woken up by a curtain rod on your ass, or another day while you are cooking getting your breasts beaten by the pasta fork, may be more interesting.

    I’m not saying that the toys mean nothing. In Grimly’s case he actually made them himself. But someone filthy rich could probably buy a similar dungeon even without knowing how to use it. You want someone like Grimly but not the rich guy who just bought a dungeon for show. After reading some of the stuff Grimly does, he’s like my idol. He doesn’t just play, he all around mind fucks.

    The other problem is what are toys? If I walk into an arts and craft store, I immediately see a ton of “toys”: dowels, brushes, rubber bands, chair mats, exacto (SIC) knives, not to mention anything else interesting. I remember watching Conan the barbarian and the bad guy had a quote…something about what is steel compared to the hand that wields it.

  6. gosh i agree being tied up to a st andrews cross everyday would be boring! so much so we haven’t done that since st georges day 2005! lol. Though it didn’t really involve just whipping more a sort of clothes being cut off during bondage and torture kind of thing. You might not get the irony if you’re not british!

    I like diversity, i like imagination and creativity in all its forms.

    But I’m just used to what i have, and i’m quite honest about what attracted me to that to begin with.

Leave me a comment . . .

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s