Learning BDSM?

This Girl hasn’t really read any BDSM textbooks because you can’t learn this stuff completely from a book….

The only BDSM ‘manual’ she’s read even a little of is Screw the Roses, after someone recommended it as something to start with in the early days. Though thats all most textbooks for this subject can be – a start, a bit of guidance maybe.  Not necessarily a way of saying ‘this is how you do it’.

BDSM isn’t an academic subject, you can’t really learn it, sit a test on it and then get a qualification at the end of it. Its not like being  at  school – unless you are into some sort of teacher/student spanking roleplay. In fact, those people that say ‘your days at school are the best days of your life’…well…they are wrong! This girl hated school and does not really fantasise at all about pretending she’s back. Yes she’s had times when she’s roleplayed the naughty schoolgirl and its fun…but its not one of her most erotic fantasies. No. School is not somewhere she would go back given the opportunity, well, apart from to maybe have a stab at exploring the dominant persona of her history teacher  😉

It was the experience of being *at* school this girl hated. She has always liked reading and learning. In fact, hopefully, she might start another course in something soon. BDSM isn’t an educational subject though, thats why it makes this girl smile sometimes that there are so many different ‘text books’ on it. How to do this, how to do that and how its all supposed to fit together.

Some of the books out there are useful especially those sort that teach skills and such like, but you can’t really learn how it all works without the joys of the practical work 🙂 Its not possible to learn how it will work emotionally or mentally either from a book, because absolutely everyone is different and will pick up their own way of ‘doing it’.

Its really difficult when you first get into BDSM to know what to read, what websites to check out and to learn how things are supposed to be and so many people jump on you and try and tell you how its supposed to be. Its not so long ago for this girl to have forgotten that. Its really easy too to think when you are new that you’ve been able to learn what you want from reading how other people have done it,and about what the ‘ideals’ of submission are supposed to be like.

This girl is guilty of that, of thinking she had it worked out before actually trying it. Well, her first D/s relationship was a disaster because it was based on perceptions of what both her and her ex thought was right rather than whether they were right for each other or about how it would all fit together in practice – its easy to admit her mistakes though with the benefit of hindsight as it always is.

Even when this girl met Grimly, she thought she was going into the relationship with a relatively reasonable amount of experience, having tried quite a few things, having done some pro-sub work and so on. She thought she knew a little at least. But no, what she knew up to that point was really just the tip of the iceberg. Not just on a physical level, but on mental and psychological levels too. 

Learning about BDSM is really the most fun when you have someone to properly explore with, who you can take your time with and get to know. This girl worked out quite some time ago that its no good tried to have perceived ideas of how its meant to be or how it will be, it’ll just happen, and how things are now won’t necessarily be how they are in six months or a year’s time. Things progress, things move on and you learn from what happens and yes that means learning from mistakes too because mistakes will happen. Nobody’s perfect.

This girl enjoys the experience of learning about it, of exploring it, of trying things and finding out if they arouse or torment her or both combined. Its fun. Though of course, she does have the benefit of belonging to someone with a great deal of experience and skill, but he’ll still be learning things too.

Whenever you start out with someone new it is really about learning things again, learning how they’ll react to things, what they can take, how their mind and body works and it all works best with a little communication and that goes for the submissive as much as it does for the dominant.

When this girl first started seeing Grimly she found it hard sometimes to say what was on her mind and to communicate things to him. Thats why she started this blog, and in some ways it remains a way of recording what happens along this little adventure and in some ways a little record of achievement – because there has been progress in various shapes and forms. This is after all a sort of diary of what happens though there’s no big bridget jones style pants here!

This girl doesn’t suggest that how she’s learning to do things is right, far from it. It works for her and Grimly and that is all that matters. The only way you can learn how all this stuff works is to experiment and learn what suits you as an individual and as a partnership it doesn’t matter how other people do it.

Sometimes this girl wishes there were things she was better at, or able to do more of, but then she is quite happy with how things are and with who she is so things will improve in their own time.

There’s no point wishing for anything else. If this girl has learnt nothing else, it is that things will happen when they are ready to and she’s learnt more from exploring things with her Dom than she could from any book.

If you are new to this, then read, research as much as you can, but you can’t really know what it will be like for you till you try with someone that you can experiment and explore things with and there is absolutely no recipe for it being completely perfect instantly either.

2 thoughts on “Learning BDSM?

  1. Thanks for this. Being a mere six months into my exploration of BDSM this is exactly the mind set that I devloped quickly. It has saved me a lot of heart ache!

    This “see how it goes and let it be the experience that it is” perspective is, in my opinion, generic in successful relationships. Being able to recognised ones preconceptions and letting go of them in a healthy way is a great skill to have developed.

    Would you be ok if I linked this article into a “reading for newbies” thread on fetlife.com?

  2. thanks for your comments , sure link it if you like 🙂

    i guess the gist of what i’m trying to say is the learning never stops, and whilst books and other sources are useful you can’t really truly know till you’ve tried things for yourself, and even then your own opinions and attitudes can change.

    TG xx

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