When a masochist gets cold feet

Said it before – this girl ain’t perfect! But little imperfections are one thing – totally screwing up is another entirely! This girl wasn’t sure whether to write this post, but she’s all for showing that it can’t be perfect every single time.

This girl *is* a masochist.

She wants pain, needs it and craves it. She also wants the torment and the frustration that comes with it because thats what being a masochist and loving this is all about. This girl got into BDSM for the pain and wanted all the sensations and fantasies that are associated with that.

Sometimes though, she forgets that! Whilst its *not* happening its easy to want it, to fantasize about it and about how cruel and sadistic he will be. But when it actually happens, there can be times when she can’t get into it and when she can’t seem to slip into the right zone, despite what he’s doing. This doesn’t happen often of course, but its so frustrating when it does. The most irritating thing is…this always happens when she’s been wanting it the most. Its a sort of Murphy’s Law thing. Its sort of like wanting a great big chocolate icecream sundae with all the trimmings, and then having it put in front of you and suddenly feeling sick at the sight of it.

Not that BDSM makes this girl feel sick, she’s never thrown up or passed out from anything he’s done, but to sort of relate the problem to something thats what its like. Its one of those ‘eyes too big for your belly’ things or getting caught out about not being careful about what you wish for!

Anyway, so this girl had been longing to indulge in a really extreme session with her Master and was wanting him to be the worst bastard imaginable.

If you don’t want to read about a session going tits up….look away!

One of Grimly’s styles is for building things up. Adding things in a gradual manner, until its in the realms of overkill. Normally, this is a lot of fun because the end result normally is completely unexpected and  not at all obvious and also because by the end this girl is almost feeling as though she’s on another planet.

This time though, it didn’t work.

This is what happened.

He started quite simply by inserting into her a dildo and an inflatable butt plug and wrapping the whole thing up in a harness. Now, probably what he was thinking was that anal was a good idea given that this girl had probably done things over the last few days (which will make sense in future posts) that would give him the impression she probably wanted huge things (yeah including him 😉 ) up her arse. So, he strapped all that together and then put her into her leather catsuit with the cables dangling out. He then put electrical contacts on her nipples and put her in ballet boots. In fact, trying to go from being stood to being sat in ballet boots when you are stuffed full of toys is a challenge in itself lol.  After that, he put her in the sensory deprivation hood, neck corset and leather mits. So, totally bound in leather, totally incapable of moving and totally at his mercy.

This girl isn’t really sure what then went wrong. Maybe she was just feeling cranky and irritable, maybe she was too hot, maybe she was too stuffed but she felt a bit dizzy and asked him to stop. So he did and in doing so it ended the scene and brought both of them totally out of the headspace for wanting to play.

Grimly seemed to think this girl was complaining for the sake of it. Maybe she was, though not on purpose. Sometimes during heavy play this girl finds it too easy to ‘cry wolf’ when maybe she should just shut up and endure it. Though at the time, she was feeling stressed and panicky and couldn’t get relaxed into it. The whole thing made this girl feel incredibly guilty because the plans had been for a whole day of stuff just building up and building up into something fun and it screwed it up mainly because when a scene stops quickly its difficult sometimes to try and pick it up again. As if things have gone off the boil a bit.

This girl felt as though she failed him, and let him down. And, there’s no real beating about the bush about it because she had. This girl knows deep down that if she’d just let her mind relax she could have got into that, nothing he was doing was that extreme – at least not compared to a lot of other things.

Sometimes this girl feels a bit of a failure as a masochist. Because deep down she knows there’s pain that is irritating and tormenting, and then after a while of that it quite often turns into the pain that leaads to mindblowing orgasms and that scene that went wrong *would* have probably led there after enduring a little bit of being tormented and being his doll – which worked so well the last time.

This girl hates feeling as though she’s failed him. She wants to take as much as she take for him, she wants to be the best. She sees her Master as being the best as what he does, and just sometimes she feels sort of well inferior and not good enough. Its not that he makes her feel like that, he doesn’t, in fact, the opposite – he always says and does everything in a way that makes her feel like the most special person in his life but sometimes she just feels in  her own mind that she is letting him down by not being better at this whole thing and that’s how she felt when this happened. It didn’t help that he sacked her!

Or pretended to.

This girl is really bad at taking jokes. She takes them seriously sometimes,and this one, well, she was already beating herself up about it so she didn’t realise he was being a fucking wind up merchant. Grrrr.

The clue probably was in his eyes that he was kidding, but, yeah, he was fed up and disappointed too and this girl was pissed off with herself.

Oh and now you are going to think that this girl is just a big kid.

She actually said to him….’well if i’m not good enough i’ll just go pack my bags and go home’.

Yes. She actually did.

Pack.

How old is she? For fucks sake yes with hindsight this girl is thinking that too!

But can you guess what happened? Yeah, he laughed and he told her how despite her being an idiot it was impossible to stay mad at her for long.

Thats the thing, when you love someone this much its hard to stay mad at each other or in a pissy mood when there is more to life.

Things sorted themselves out, and after dinner everything went back to normal.

This girl does have moments like this, not many, where she is a prize winning idiot and blows even tiny little things out of all manner of normal proportion and writing this will remind her why this is a bad idea.

Play can’t be perfect every time, neither can be submission, or anything. It takes work, communication and effort and all those other things that go with that. Maybe, when this went wrong he should have kept going and ignored her protests, maybe its difficult to be truly sadistic when you are head over heels in love with your victim, and maybe thats part of the problem. But then, the responsibility does not lie all with him and it shouldn’t either.  The responsibility should *never* lie all with the Dom.

This girl hates herself for this, but she worries sometimes that subconciously her mind takes advantage of him, and the fact that whilst being the dominant , sadistic one, he’s also the one that wants to do everything that makes her happy. This girl worries that she can sometimes be a bit spoilt in that way and isn’t good at giving him back what he deserves for all his efforts and lately she has been trying her best to steer away from that.

She doesn’t want to take advantage of her Dom, she tries her hardest not to, its not how its supposed to work.

The good thing of course, is he is good mostly at keeping her on her toes! And, despite everything he’s gradually turned a girl that was a prize winning brat into a much better submissive.

Yeah…she’s needing some more remedial training! 😉

Older posts on a similar theme :-

Remember and check out Kinkysexlink – and this girl’s recent post there – Kink..and love

11 thoughts on “When a masochist gets cold feet

  1. Sometimes it does go wrong and when it does we learn from it. OK so maybe the plans I had did not work out on that occasion but I still had a fun afternoon winding you up, call it Dom’s revenge!

    You are right about me not being able stay mad at you for more than 5 minutes and you have no idea just how hard it was to keep a straight face when you came stomping down stairs with your bag packed.

    I don’t just love, you I adore you, even when you do screw up, and yes you DO need a lot more training!

  2. It’s hard to go through a lot of what we go through without being 100% into the right fram of mind for it. I too can recount times when the build up seems to be what killed the moment when it actually comes around. You two still have the priceless distinction of being lovers whist engaging in the interests we all share. That alone makes it always a learning experience instead of just a let down to either person.

  3. “She wants pain, needs it and craves it. She also wants the torment and the frustration that comes with it because thats what being a masochist and loving this is all about. This girl got into BDSM for the pain and wanted all the sensations and fantasies that are associated with that.”

    Thank you for putting into words the thoughts I have had for months. Wish I was so eloquent with words that I could tell Sir that I want the same thing!

    BTW: I have been in your shoes once before and can sympathize a great deal.

  4. Master, you know you COULD have put me out of my misery a lot sooner! Bastard! Love you xxx

    Medfet, thanks for commenting you’re quite right, and hopefully next time i’ll keep my mouth shut unless i really really need to stop!

    Shade orchid, thanks for your comments here and on your blog 🙂 I am sure you tell your own Dom in your own special way so I wouldn’t worry about it 🙂

    TG xx

  5. It’s totally normal for things to go that way sometimes, no matter how submissive you want to be. I think Grimly’s joking with you was cruel, and not in the fun way.

    I know I’m not in your relationship and thus can’t really understand it, but as a dom and a sadist I had a strong visceral reaction against how he responded to you having some trouble in the scene.

    With the “silly girl” comments and so on, it’s starting to sound like neither of you really respect you (thisgirl) as an autonomous adult. I hope I’m reading things totally wrong and/or that this all works on a kink level for you guys.

    I really am not trying to be a jerk with this comment.

  6. If you take into consideration all the words i have written in previous blogs your comments on my relationship with Grimly don’t really make a lot of sense as you are basing your thoughts on this one post when one blog alone doesn’t explain everything about a relationship and this particular post is not all that characteristic.

    Yes, on this occasion, he reacted badly, so did I. I wont defend the reactions of either of us, I was just recording them. With hindsight the whole incident was a storm in a teacup and we are both over it.

    We respect each other a great deal, and I am quite capable of making my own thoughts and on this occasion I knew i was freaking out over nothing and thats why I was pissed off with myself.

    I wrote this post to show sometimes people make mistakes and sometimes both sub and Dom can over-react.

    I like to show people that I’m not some perfect micro-managed doormat!

    Yeah, somtimes I can be a brat. Sometimes so can he! It doesn’t make me love him any the less.

  7. I understand. Everyone does act like a jerk from time to time. I was just concerned, not meaning to be so harsh or critical.

  8. what a wonderful post. Written with lots of humanity and feeling (as always), i can identify when things don’t go to plan and feel i may have failed, but talking about things is key, and knowing that you are loved no matter what happens is even more important. We should always remember we are only human.

    t. x

  9. Hey thisgirl,

    Just found your blog and wanted to let you know what a great find it was. This post in particular really spoke about the strong relationship you guys have. BDSM done well is complex stuff, thanks for reminding us that everyone has the occasional off day. That was quite a scene you had going – one day you will revisit, surpass it and enjoy it! Have fun – Hugs, D&m

Leave me a comment . . .

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s