Lately this girl has had a few ‘dilemmas’ regarding her collar. Well not necessarily dilemmas, but thoughts and ponderings and stuff like that. This girl has worn her collar permanently (aside from when there have been reasons she couldn’t wear it or when he has taken it off to put on something else – such as a posture collar or neck corset) since June 2007 – this is what it looks like :-
Once the collar is on it cannot be taken off apart from by the special allan style key that comes with it, which Grimly normally keeps in a very safe place. Its part of what makes the concept work – the fact that when its on only he can control when it comes off.
When this girl first started wearing the collar she often wondered whether she would continue to feel the same way about it as she did at first, and also how other people would view it as well. Mostly, people don’t notice the collar – that is, people who wouldn’t know its meaning. There have been a few people that have commented, but very very rare.
The most shocking was when this girl’s Dad said ‘are you trying to be like those goths on that bus with the leashes’ hmmm… NO. There were also some weird comments from a guy at the swimming bath once…asking about whether it was hot, whether it came off, whether it got annoying…not sure if he knew what it meant or not…but then probably not..just being nosy.
The one thing that always concerns this girl the most about it is whether someone in the family will notice that its screwed on. This girl is not ‘out’ to her family and is quite happy to keep it that way. She doesn’t want to have to explain her fantasies or her choices to her mum and dad any more than she wants to hear stories about their sex life either. Because thats what this really is, this girl’s sex life, her fantasies, her dark depraved side. Yes, it is a big part, yes it plays a part in her life daily, but, it is still not something that they need to understand – and they wouldn’t.
So, given that, because this girl was due to see her mum a few weeks ago – she asked him for the key so that she could take it off during her mum’s visit to avoid any uncomfortable questions and he gave it to her.
This girl doesn’t like to admit this because it shows a weakness and that she has doubts and she’s wondered a few times about writing this kind of thing…but then, this girl doesn’t pretend to be the perfect submissive as she is after all only human and still really learning things all the time. So being human is not an excuse for anything – just a little in way of a bit of an explanation. Love her love her faults too. They can, after all, be corrected in extremely interesting ways 😉
Anyway, this wasn’t the first time she’s asked for the collar off. On this occasion, the reason was a valid one, but there have been other times when it hasn’t. The only reason for that is because sometimes she wants to rebel against submission, she doesn’t want to be restricted to look enslaved and owned like this, she wants to be her own person. Yet, this is completely insane because this *is* part of who she is. She is owned and she is his, and everytime she questions that she gets really annoyed with herself that she still has to sometimes convince herself to admit and accept submission when she knows it is everything that she wants.
When this girl took it off the other day, she stalled putting it back on. Maybe it was partly because she had PMT but she was going through one of those periods of having doubts about all this. Sometimes she just has days where she isn’t sure whether she wants to submit. But on the whole, without the collar she felt *wrong*, it not being there made her mood lower and she admits to being just a little unbalanced and off the rails for a few days. It passed. He convinced her to put the collar back on, and she started feeling better.
Despite sometimes having days of not liking it, it is part of her. Gosh, there are plenty of other things about her that she has days of not liking – being a girl her bum is one of the highest things on that list. But then, she is comfortable and confident with her body and mostly she is comfortable and confident with the collar too.
It really does mean a great deal , so this girl always feels bad when she has doubts about it. Its part of her, but most importantly its part of him and symbolic of what the relationship means to both of them. Its nice it being here when he’s not, she only has to touch it for a little comfort when she’s missing him. He’s often said that to him its like an engagement ring it shows the commitment, the love and a little about what the relationship is about.
So its not as showy as an engagement ring, its not got diamonds or anything so flash, and its not obvious to anyone that isn’t kinky that it means something. But it means something to this girl, and it means something to Grimly as well and thats all that matters and thats what she needs to always remember.
All this girl really wants, and she possibly doesn’t always make this very clear, is to belong to him, for him to love the fact that she is his and have fun using that to his advantage and the collar reminds her that it is precisely the happy situation she is in.She just can’t help having her moments of being a twat!
Go on…say it…she probably doesn’t deserve to be Grimly’s sometimes! Just thank God he doesn’t think that!