I’m writing this as me because its not a normal blog and its not about BDSM either. Well maybe a bit but not really. Its a bit sentimental, so if you’re not really wanting to read sentimental emotional stuff maybe give this entry a miss.
I only ever knew one Grandparent, my mum’s mum and had she not passed away 2 years ago she would have been 90 today. She was very special to me, and really like a second mum who i played stupid games with when i was little like pushing the sofas together and pretending they were boats or cities or spaceships. I always like adventure games and fantasy as a kid (my favourite books were the chronicles of Narnia – though I preferred the Silver chair with all those nice restraints and darkness than the bloody lion the witch and the wardrobe wonder why!) and she shared that with me. Some of the fantasies that is, but not the one about the bondage chair, the only chair she liked was her recliner with the doily thing on the back. Why do grans always have doilies over everything and ornaments in cupboards. Is it this thing when you are 60 you suddenly start gathering loads of decorative china???
She probably knew me better than most people. I guess if she knew about *this* about Grimly,about the whole sort of ‘other me’ she wouldn’t be suprised. She caught me once when I was young i’m not sure how old I think maybe 13 or something maybe younger when i had messed around tying myself up and I dont think she ever told my mum and dad so who knows what her suspicions were. If there were any they never were revealed. I wish she had met Grimly, she didn’t. My life the months before she died were a mess, and during the outfall of my previous relationship so i didn’t get chance to introduce them or really tell her much about him. She didn’t like my ex I dont think. She thought he was rather rotund. He was.Grannies have a way of being blunt about stuff.
So i only had the one gran, and one was enough. I couldn’t have asked for more than that, I cant regret not having what I didn’t know I can only regret what I didn’t do.
If nothing else she taught me something really important. About love.
She got married when she was very young to someone in the navy. There was no internet, or telephones really, just telegrams and letters. Me and my mum have since read some of the letters, we were told we were allowed to *after*. She kept them all those years in a drawer. When i’m that old I wont have love letters, it just not something people really do anymore or not me. Will this blog still be around, gosh i dont know whether I like the idea of my grandchildren (if i have any) reading this to get a better idea of me once i’m no longer around to get embarrassed about it. Because in a way a lot of what I write is expressions of my love to Grimly, I dont really need to write him letters when I write here and talk to him so much, I guess things were different then.
Anyway, her husband. He died in India after contracting cholera a few years after WWII. And she never remarried or had a boyfriend again or anything.
He was her one.She never forgot him, she kept his letters , she kept even the ones she sent him that had been returned from the navy with the deceased stamp on them and all sorts of odd things. I think she must have had a shoe fetish, because there was one where he wrote about buying her shoes and he was protesting about how expensive they were and how she had so many.
Grimly’s my one. I feel that way about him. Whether I would wait decades without a man if anything happens to him I cannot say, but probably I would. Because no one else does what he does. From a bDSM point of view I havent come across anyone else (or at least not in the UK) that would be adept as him at creating things and bringing my fantasies to life in the way that suits who I am. No one else has ever made me feel this special either, like he would do anything for me (Aside from let me top him!) Maybe that is wrong for a slave girl to say that of her Master, that he would do anything, but its just another aspect of the relationship he would do anything for me and anything TO me. It just depends what context we are talking about. Some of the ways he treats me possibly don’t sit with the ‘stereotypical idea’ of how a Dom should treat a sub. You know what? I dont care. I want and need someone that loves me as well as being able to feel that they will control me and torment me and fuck me. I need the lot And maybe thats being greedy, but, I sacrificed being a bi switch for him and that is the ultimate sign of greed or inability to settle on one thing, one person. I’m sorry but I really don’t get the whole poly thing. I’m openminded enough to appreciate it works for some people, but it just could never work for me. I want someone to just want ME. I dont want them to need someone else as well.
Because there is just one person. I dont know how true it is that there is one person for everyone and its just fate as to how long you get together. But i cant see there being anything better round the corner for me, and I am quite content about that and I think my gran was the same. She knew that no matter who she met, she wouldn’t be happier than she was with him. Or maybe she did try and date…and my mum scared them off….knowing my mum I could understand that lol.
I watched the film last night ‘ps i love you’ and i cried buckets, and maybe it wasnt a good one to pick when i am feeling emotional anyway but there you go. In the film the girl struggles to let go of her husband who dies…i would be the same if anything happened to Grimly…and if i tried to make a go of it with someone else i would find it hard not to force that person to live in his shadow. It would always be ‘grimly would do it like this’ or ‘grimly would make that’ i would probably mention him a hundred times a day, and no man deserves to have to compete with that.
I’m Grimly’s. I was Grimly’s to begin with, and I cant escape that. I dont want to. Oh God some freak in a chat room tonight was trying to troll me and seriously believed that Grimly keeps me chained to a sink with a 10 metre chain and never lets me leave the house whilst leaving me dressed in fetish gear and boots and that i’d been kept in slavery for 20 years .I’m 28! Come off it! A glance at my profile or a read of a couple of my blogs would show that at least part of my mind and body lives in the ‘real world’. I do, and I’m honest about my experience of it and my love of it, and of him and I think most people reading about us can see ain’t nothing coming between this girl and her man!
I hope that at least my gran likes him a little if she is aware of anything, I’d like to believe in heaven, given that my version of hell lacks orgasms. I’d like to think there’s something more. After.