Safewords and taking ‘more’

This girl has never needed a safeword with Grimly.

That is not to say there haven’t been times when she’s needed play to stop or slow down. There have been times like that, its just this girl has not needed to say a specific word to get him to understand her.

Like for instance, the other day..she was wearing a gas mask during play involving breath control and heavy bondage and after her body pretty much ‘exploded’ she needed to get normal air again…and she only had to say one word and he took the mask off. He would always pick up on things like that and be alert to any sign of potential danger or risk. Some people might argue this removes the point of masochistic fantasy…that deep down this girl knows no harm will come, no danger…that it takes away the edge. This girl doesn’t agree with that. She never knows what he is going to do next…the edge, the fun, its there…but then at the back of her mind she knows she is ‘safe’ and because of that she is able to immerse herself into what is happening and enjoy it.

Its about communication and trust. You need those for BDSM to work.

Sometimes this girl wonders whether its wrong that during play the onus is on the Dom to read how his submissive is communicating non-verbally as well as by word, rather than for the submissive to make him understand. But then…if you want the control and the power you need to accept the responsibility as well that goes with that (NOT quoting Spiderman!) and if this girl thought that she could control how a scene went by telling him things during it…it wouldnt work…it would shatter the fantasy.

That’s not to say safewords are useless, especially for playing with someone new then its a good way of communicating in a simple manner..but the problem this girl has with it is that its putting the responsibility on the sub to decide when the scene slows down and/or stops and that takes some control away from the Dom.

This girl LIKES him being able to decide what happens, when to slow it down, when to speed it up, and for him to inflict what he feels is necessary.

Safewords encourage masochistic pride too. How many times this girl has heard people say ‘you won’t make me safeword’. Ok. Sure. In the past she has said it herself.

But its dangerous.

It’s easy to want to take more, to feel that we’re able to ‘do it’. This girl would be one of the first people to admit that. Though if a Dom says ‘i wont stop until you safeword’ he is essentially giving the control of the scene to the sub, and, this sub particularly, would try her hardest NOT to safeword in that situation as would so many others as well and that risks things going too far.

If a Dom is happily plodding along with what he is doing and just waiting to hear one word, it doesnt sound like very responsible BDSM, and it would make it just about the physical and would take away the mind game element of BDSM…it would take away those erotic thoughts of knowing he is in control and going to do what he wants.

This girl wants her Dom to observe EVERYTHING. Not just to listen for one word from her lips. Besides…what if she is gagged with one of his twenty choices of gag lol.

So sure…it is putting a lot of pressure on him maybe…but as this girl said…if he wants the control then he has to accept that. Ok. Maybe sometimes its difficult for a Dom to know if a comment or a gesture really means needing to stop or whether its just part of the game, so this girl has learnt to try and avoid ‘complaining for the sake of it’.

There have been times when she’s been uncomfortable and hurting and sometimes he’ll continue. Though as he reminds her. Its BDSM. She’s a masochist…its meant to hurt and she gets off on that and he of course gets off on her discomfort and suffering. Seeing his reaction to that can be erotic in itself! He seems to be able to tell though when to make her suffer a bit more and when to end it.

So its not an easy skill to learn, it takes time to get to know a person’s body – how to tease it , how to hurt it,how to make it orgasm…but then…thats all part of the fun πŸ™‚

And…if you really think this girl should have a safeword…well


4 thoughts on “Safewords and taking ‘more’

  1. This is the first writing I’ve ever read that rang true on the subject of limits and safewords. My sub and I have a safeword: “safeword.” I think she may have forgotten it, since she has never needed to use it. Why? Because I pay attention to how she is responding on multiple levels. And we talk – while we are playing. And she gets spanked alot for fogetting to say “sir” or “master” when it’s really going good. Only thinkg I’m sure about if the forgetting is intentional or not. πŸ™‚

  2. I agree, I think safewords probably have their most useful purpose for two people that dont’ know each other at all, but once you’re in an established relationship body language and stuff should be easier to read. If it isn’t there is something a bit wrong I think…though of course….doms aren’t infallible so there are going to be times when the sub needs to say when somethings wrong.

    I dont agree with people who will say ‘i will keep going until you safeword’ it encourages it to get too far I think, especially when for a lot of masochists there is a little pride involved!


  3. Mostly, I agree with all this. The only bit I take issue with is this: “That’s not to say safewords are useless, especially for playing with someone new …”

    I disagree. I think plain English (or whatever your native tongue is) is the best way for anyone, new or experienced to communicate. Safewords are for when having “stop” or “no” ignored is an integral part of the scene. “Gotta have a safeword” is one of those BDSM safety myths that just need to be exploded.

    I blogged about this here: (and on my FetLife page).

  4. Ruru, i don’t use safe words and just use normal communication verbal and non verbal. I revisited this topic in a blog in november this year, this post you are commenting on is from 2008. That said my thoughts haven’t changed a lot. Some relationships use safe words, some don’t. Personally i don’t but if others want to then i understand their reasons πŸ™‚

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