Sometimes this girl ponders whether deep down she is really submissive or not.
When she first started with BDSM & D/s, she thought that she was, and for a good long time. But then as she learnt more about various things and herself, she questioned it a LOT. She supposes that this was partly because she was switching as well and that obviously was making things more complicated.
This girl was not “naturally” submissive to begin with, and a lot of the time she still needs to be encouraged.
What you are naturally, is more to do with how you are as a person before BDSM or D/s or whatever even comes into it, and lets just say as a person this girl is not a doormat (not that she’s saying subs are doormats) – she’s just saying that she is independant, stubborn, firey and a bit inane and daft.
Before this girl’s submission towards her Master developed too much, she saw herself more in the sort of masochistic category – that she was more into being hurt (in nice ways obviously lol) and teased and whatever than erm the mental and emotional side of things.
But then it came to light that there are buttons that can be pressed that do weird things to this girl.
She is now more of the frame of mind that she is interested in what someone can do to her mentally than necessarily whats going on physically. Especially, someone having the ability to do things to her that she might find a bit embarrassing or humiliating without her fighting back (or as much as she would ordinarily)
This girl thinks, and she still finds this difficult to let herself go with sometimes is that it is more of a rush to let someone inside your head than to let them just use your body.
To this girl it is about trust as much as anything. To trust someone enough that they know what you need and what makes you melt into that quiverying heap of subbiness without breaking you. Pushing yes but not breaking. To be so much under someones spell that the lightest touch can have very bizarre effects. Quite scary that and not something this girl thought would happen, that is , until she was his. This girl accepts her submission knowing that he wont take advantage of it and that he will help it develop without damaging the parts of this girl that make her who she is.
At the end of the day though it is all about fantasy. Something to escape to completely divorced of reality, thats probably why the whole 24/7 D/s thing isn’t really for this girl. It has to be something that doesn’t really interfere with how i function in the rest of my life.
But she accepts as far as BDSM goes that she has quite a strong submissive side and that this doesn’t make her any less of a person outwith that.
You can be strong and independant day to day, but yes it is nice to escape to another place from time to time