Q. You have an itch, an irritation, what do you do??
A1. Leave it to irrate the fuck out of you? This girl don’t think so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A2. This girl’s answer (nb as a child she used to always itch rashes, and pick scabs, and basically do everything that she was told that for her own good it was best not to – are you suprised?) :-
You itch the rash, knowing the itching will make it redder, itchier, angrier, more painful. It becomes irritable once you stop itching because your fingers are just too tired to do it anymore for just now. It needs more and more and more. You’re stuck with it. You’re cursed.
But do you wish you never scratched it? Ermmmmm of course you don’t.
To this girl S&M is an itch, she is talking about sadism and masochism here, leaving D/s (or M/s) aside for a moment……
But to the point…
From an early age, from when she started doing “things” to herself (see previous blog on sadomasochism if this interests you) she’s had this “itch” to do stuff, to feel certain sensations, ok, to feel pain and arousal at the same time
This girl’s problem is getting worse. The more she gets, the more she does the more she wants.
In her teens, she convinced herself so many times “this is wrong. this is perverted. this is not healthy. this is potentially damaging”
and she would stop.
But without those “sensations” she was moody, slightly down and for want of a better word, incomplete. Not really herself. And it is part of who she is. Not everything, but a strong element.
So she would do it again. And it would be a circle. An addiction. A fix followed by withdrawal symptons, followed by trying to give up , to realising she was not able to quit.
And then she found oh. you can get other people to do this for you. There are OTHERS.
And it feels good for that itch to be scratched. So fucking good!
But sometimes it doesnt feel enough. Although it feels great when she’s doing stuff, this girl hates the cold turkey side of it – the after sensations. The longing, the need , the desire , the frustration….
Sometimes it feels uncontrollable.
With Master though this girl doesnt have the problem apart from when she’s away from him.
But to conclude, regarding masochism, this girl has inflicted her own torment. She has started on a path that cannot end. We all have our moments when we feel like abandonding this side of ourselves. Perhaps we walk away momentarily. But the majority of us always come back aching for more. The itch is just so bad that you can’t help yourself from scratching, and who would blame you?
Submission can give great feelings as well. This girl knows that when she make’s Masterl happy and proud of me that she glows and feels very special.
There is a balance.
This girl can get different feelings and sensations from Masochism to Submission, one being mostly* physical and one being mostly mental, but combined they are pretty powerful and consuming and luckily she has someone who’s good at maintaining a very good balance with her.