Today is the 8th anniversary of this girl and Grimly first playing together. 8 years is a quarter of this girl’s life but it feels like she has known him a lot longer than that!
So, sorry if anyone knows this story already, but given the pending closure of Informed Consent this girl wanted to post this tale again :)
This girl met Grimly on the british bdsm and D/s website Informed Consent which will close its doors (at least in the format it’s currently known) on the 24th February after being on the go since 1997. This girl is very thankful for it having been around since she might not have come across Grimly had it not been there, she also might not have learnt so much about events and just D/s in general had it not been there as a resource. When this girl first got into BDSM all she had was chat rooms and guys on there chatting her up and asking her to do stuff on cam – she ended up with one of those guys before she realised that well yes, there was much more.
She read this post of Grimly’s in January 2005.
This might be a bit controversial be warned!!!
In my opinion a sub that does not think for him/her self is a doormat!! I know that there are subs out there who don’t want to make decisions for themselves and Doms and Dommes who don’t want their subs to make decisions.
I have a rather low opinion of Dominants who fall into this category, as in my experience they tend to be either, sad numpties who have low self-esteem and are looking for someone with lower self-esteem than they have or are abusers who use BDSM as an excuse or cover for their unacceptable sociopathic behaviour. Sadly over the years I have seen an increase in this type of Dom (yep mostly men) hanging around the scene. Fortunately most are easy to spot, you know the sort of emails, “kneel bitch” or “asl” or some other badly spelt one line rubbish. Then there are the ones that turn up at clubs with every toy they own hanging from their belt like some ridiculous hoola skirt, or wearing a “matrix” style leather coat buttoned to the neck whilst everyone else is praying for air conditioning.
In my experience the best subs are intelligent, independent, strong-willed, capable of making their own decisions, perfectly capable of articulating what it is they want from their Dom/me and bring something interesting into the relationship. They are not afraid to try new things and can push the level of play along by bringing fresh ideas to the table and dare I say it keep the Dom on his toes. I’m not talking about toping from the bottom here( that generally only happens when the sub is better or more experienced than the Dom) I’m talking about a balanced relationship. A sub that has low self-esteem should be nurtured by the Dom and encouraged to grow and develop. Trust is something that grows with time and is a two-way thing and its important for a sub to be able to trust the Dom not to do something stupid, dangerous, or unacceptable. As the trust grows so does the understanding of the wants and needs of both parties, it’s a two-way thing after all.
I think if I was in a relationship where I had to make every decision and got no feedback I would tire of it very quickly. Ok so I do like to be in control and I like to get my own way but I also need to be told sometimes “no i’m not going to walk round the shops in ballet boots” or “its -5 out there i’m not wearing a miniskirt and crop top! its woolly jumper and leggings or I’m not budging from the fire”. In other words a bit of realism. Away from play its nice to be able to have an intelligent conversation or share some other interest and also to have things that we don’t share and do independently.
Ok so its different strokes for different folks but give me a sub with a brain any day Cheers Grimly
His post intrigued this girl and so she looked at his Informed Consent profile and then began to drool over his profile which was of his yahoo photo collection showing his playroom (when it was still blue and purple!) and the equipment he had made. She saw he was online on yahoo messenger and started chatting to him. She hit it off with Grimly instantly and arranged to meet him at a munch about two weeks later and then as that went well she ended up playing with him about perhaps a month from initially starting conversation. Sometimes she wishes she was that wide-eyed girl again being overwhelmed by the first glimpse of his playroom. There are still of course things that give her wonderment and new anxiety but perhaps nothing can really compare with that. It was a very special moment. In fact that first twenty-four hours in his company changed her life. Dramatic as that sounds it did!
This girl might not have met Grimly had she been looking for a partner at the time. She might have ruled him out for the distance, or the age. As it was her main reason for visiting him was for kink.
However, kink was not the main reason she ended up falling in love with him. It’s why she met him, but she fell for him because of everything else he is as well and for the fact that essentially he is very similar to her in outlook and temperament.
This girl gets really annoyed by people who say ‘my spouse doesn’t understand me’ since if you can’t share your innermost fantasies with your life partner then who can you share them with? For this reason this girl feels very fortunate that she found someone who shared her innermost fantasies and then built on that rather than meet someone say at a pub or at university and then work the other stuff out with the hope it might work. that’s not to say over the years there haven’t been arguments and things to work out, or that there won’t be anymore – of course there will that is part of being in a healthy relationship is about.
So eight years on this girl is happily married to Grimly, still finding things that she wants to explore with him and still feeling occasionally smug that she has a man who can do all the stuff that she once drooled over pictures of :) Anyway so hopefully today as this girl is not at work she and Grimly might have fun creating some more!