Sadomasochistic Confessions

This is a weblog where this girl is going to be quite open about a lot of things in her past and present, and writing this mainly to deal with demons. This isn’t so easy to write. This is very much in the vein of the “what reasons propelled you into this ‘lifestyle’” although *not* the only reason for this girl’s choices.

This is something that came up in conversation with Master after the first time this girl had played with him, but which she skirted for reasons of embarrassment. Things really that she hadn’t said before openly to anyone, but arent deep down, really anything that someone who is comfortable with their role within BDSM should be ashamed of. So why have things locked in a closet anymore?

It started when this girl was around about 13. Maybe younger. But roughly around then.

What gave her the ideas she doesn’t know. It wasn’t self-harm in the way cutting and things are, it was more sexual in nature and absolutely no risk of permanent damage. it was in the vein of erotic rope bondage – you know which cause stimulation to sensitive areas – but she didn’t know what it was back then obviously. She’s not sure whether it was something she had seen (or hinted at) in a movie or read in a book but she was quite addicted to it for years. In some ways it was a way of strange masturbation. *blush*

When this girl was younger it felt quite good, because she hated school, and a few other things about her life, so it was a release. She had a lot of dungeon/torture/interrogation dreams around that time of her life and they intrigued and thrilled her and so she tried to act out what parts of those dreams she could for herself. Which was obviously very limited and its only since knowing Master that those dreams have been realised ‘properly’.

Anyway, so eventually, later in life than most this girl became *normally* sexually active and after that relationship ran its course some thing within her realised that she was interested in more exotic and unusual simulation. Sex is fun but not really enough. The internet kind of made this girl realise that there are a lot more things out there and lots of ways to experiment with different experiences and different people.

This girl likes pain (intermingled with pleasure of course) and has for longer than she’s really dared to admit before. Admitting to liking pain sometimes isnt easy. There’s still that thing at the back of your mind sometimes that tells you ‘you’re wrong, you’re odd, you’re twisted’. But then wee are all weird in our own wonderful ways. As long as you’re comfortable with your desires yourself it doesnt really matter what society thinks.

now Submission.

This girl is more into BDSM than D/s, obviously the two are interwoven but its always been the physical elements that have appealed (both receiving and giving) than obeying someone that she’s got off on most.

But, thats beginning to change though, as after playing with Master now over a year a submissive side of this girl is slowly creeping in and developing. Although she isnt’ really sure whether it is submission when a lot of the things he wants her to do she wants to do for him anyway. It sure can be a head fuck sometimes. It can feel good to obey especially when the D/s bit is well balanced with lots of S/m fun.

Anyway, thats this girl in a nutshell. Just trying to be honest here. She does BDSM because she enjoys it, because it makes her feel good and comfortable about herself, but more so because Master makes her feel good about herself and makes her feel special and cared for. Although this girl does still lead a normal happy life in parallel with her fantasies. She didn’t always, but she feel pretty much complete, and yes, smug, just now.