More than words

This girl has been having quite a few thoughts lately about whether she really fits the submissive, or indeed, the slave label.  Partly because of that she  has been slowly finding it harder to orgasm when he calls her slave- the word used to be one of the triggers he had implanted.

This girl is one of those people who worries about things a lot, and over thinks things and has a tendency to really over analyze things. But then maybe all bloggers do that (or most – maybe it  is sort  of the point). She’s quite OCD about things sometimes as well, and so, often has little niggly things in her head that stress her . Like why do other people seem to make the submission thing and slave thing look so easy? Is she putting enough effort into it? Is she really that much of a slave when most things he asks her to do are fun? Is there something else to this that other people get that she doesn’t?

But really probably the biggest question of all is whether she is doing the right thing by him, never mind comparing herself to other people. This girl knew the answer to that one at the start of the year – she wasn’t. Things are better now, but a bit of depression at the start of the year and then other things happening that sort of took over and pushed BDSM out a bit never mind the whole submission thing. So, gradually this girl stopped feeling like a slave for a bit. Apart from the collar, and a few other things that remind her for a while it felt less part of her head and the effect of that part of the brainwashing – the part that made that magical trigger wore off a bit. It took quite a while to want to do bdsm again, but that was sort of easier doing the physical bit than getting right back into the head of it.

It was maybe because she was getting slightly spoilt as well and encouraged him to say the word to her when she wasn’t behaving much like a slave and not really needing it anyway. It just sort of wore off.

It worked originally because every time he made her orgasm it felt as though he was reinforcing what she was, reminding her that she was aroused by the thought of being his, of belonging to him and it was pretty amazing. But things change, they move on , and sometimes other things get in their way and it got a bit broke. Well this girl got a bit broken. Sort of the easiest way of explaining it is like a radio that just can’t seem to get tuned in to any of the stations properly.

But like that would stop Grimly! He has been working on fixing it. But with a new word.

The slave word worked because it was what this girl wanted to be, and what she is. But it got over used and lost its meaning a little. He can now call her that without a puddle on the carpet and he’s quite enjoying that.

Since this girl’s head space is now in a much better place than it was a few months ago Grimly has been working on implanting a new trigger which he tried out during the last few chair sessions with a rigorous course of electrotherapy and fuck machine and flashing lights and talking into her head.

He chose a word she hates. Not a word that particularly turns her on by itself, but it’s short and to the point and what he wanted and besides he could choose any word and ultimately her head would eventually accept it which is part of the magic lurking there in her head subconsciously. The other week though she fought the new word he picked. She tried to physically stop herself from orgasming. Really she just wanted to test how deep into her head he really was, whether she could block him or not, and whether he could conquer her anyway. Perhaps that’s not a very submissive thing to do – to fight, to want to be conquered and enslaved…but well that’s her thing so there!

He won of course. He was always going to, because her mind knew that her body would not respond any other way. It was fun to fight, enjoying those beforegasms being on the brink more or less as long as she could fight it before actually being fucked by the machine was getting sore and the brainwashing was doing its thing.

Words can mean anything. It doesn’t really matter that the word that’s now stuck is one she doesn’t particularly like. It’s just a trigger. It’s a pretty strong trigger of course but thats’ all it is , what’s more important is the meaning behind it.

Like, its sort of the same as saying ‘i love you’ .  Grimly and this girl say that to each other probably at least four or five times a day since it’s just sort of habit as much as anything else, saying it at the end of a call and things like that…it still means something of course…but not as much as actions and those are there too of course.

So, the slave word stopped working because there weren’t the right actions behind it for her to always feel as though she was, as though she deserved it. The new word is one that she doesn’t like and doesn’t need to deserve…its left to him to decide whether to say it or not…..in fact probably not wanting him to say it makes it a lot more powerful!

For Grimly

Pony girl training

This gallery contains 4 photos.

When Grimly and this girl were on holiday at Geetwo & Maxi’s at the start of the month Captive Kink was also there for a few days and took some pictures of this girl in the harness Grimly has made … Continue reading →

Guilty as charged

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Being a bondage doll or a torture toy or , well, masochist and general sensation slut is the easy part of all this. The submission part is much harder and still not something this girl has fully got her head … Continue reading →

Submissive Guide Post : The female of the Species

New post of mine on submissive guide – check it out here!

Watching it happen

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A few posts back this girl started mentioning the various attachments for Grimly’s dentist chair. In additon to the capabilities for ‘brainwashing’ and hypnotherapy the chair also has a built in entertainment package. Whether that is Grimly’s entertainment or this … Continue reading →

A story : Part 3

Read part one here, and part two here though it finished like this :-

After she was finished, her Mistress slipped under the sheets next to Anna, still encased in her sack. ‘you had better not wake me” she softly whispered in Anna’s ear, “because each time you do that plug will be inflated, and you know there’s not a thing i can do to take you out of your predicament until the time has passed. So you had better get some sleep and not make a single whisper of noise” with that she kissed Anna again, who, blissed out from her torments, began to fall asleep dreaming of what the morning would bring.

ANNA tried desperately to stay still, but felt incredibly hot and uncomfortable with the heat of the summer’s night and being next to her sleeping mistress made her feel as though she was balancing totally on the brink of somewhere between ecstasy and cruel torture since moving would wake up the slumbering lady and she did not know what the results of that might be.  Whilst it might just be the threat of the butt plug being inflated, it might be more as well.  She didn’t like to think of how much Peter putting her in the chastity belt all night might have annoyed her Mistress, but then, Anna was the only one sleeping uneasily. Her mistress slept soundly beside her and she was sure Peter was fast asleep wherever he was as well.

Even if Anna wanted to move , she couldn’t move very much, being bound in the sleepsack prevented that. She tried to wiggle her fingertips to allow a bit more blood to flow into her hands but that was all the movement she could make with the limitations of the bondage. She could almost reach the cold steel chastity belt with her fingers but it was no use even if she could get that inch nearer towards it her clit and vagina were safely locked away. She was embarrassed at the thought of how she would feel when her mistress noticed the dampness of the sleepsack. Despite the chastity, in fact, possibly, because of the chastity, Anna was very turned on and her juices had trickled down her thighs and soaked the leather.

Her bottom felt very full, another reason for not risking disturbing her bed mate, another pump or two from the little pump which was poking out of the zip in the sleepsack would stretch her to a point that she wasn’t sure she would be able to take. Even the thought of that turned her on too, though, she hoped that she would not have to find out how much her ass could be stretched for her mistress. But perhaps there was no point hoping for or against anything since she not the slightest control over what was going to happen.

Anna tried desperately to relax,and tried not to think about that plug in her bottom, or the cold metal between her legs, or the security of the bondage, and most of all tried not to think about what was going on in the head of the lady sleeping next to her.

She tried thinking about mundane things, about work, about people she knew who lived un-tormented lives, although, was she envious of them? Despite her anxiety over her predicament she probably would not change places with anyone. Except maybe Peter. Damn him! She tried to pretend she was here out of submission for him, but she knew in her heart that she was here because it was so much more her own fantasy than just the mere act of pleasing her Master.

She tried counting sheep. Though strangely, thinking of fields and the countryside did not make her want to think of anything as boring as that. How could she? Bound and tormented as she was. It inspired her head to think up all sorts of scenarios and possibilities of things she yearned for and yet feared.

Finally she drifted off into a half-sleep, and day dreamed that she was somewhere else.

The room was oak panelled  and she could see a gallery of people looking down on her. One person ahead of her, and another to her side. Everyone was impeccably dressed, in black suits, fancy shoes and done up to the nines. She wasn’t. She was wearing a simple white dress, and no shoes. She didn’t seem to be wearing any underwear and she felt conscious of her nipples showing through the cotton of the garment. Anna may as well have been naked, feeling one hundred eyes on her, but most notably the steely grey eyes of the man right in front.

She tried to speak out , to question why she was there but for some reason she was not able to find the words. Finally, he spoke.

“you’ll find you actually know why you’re here” he said, “you are here to be judged for your failings as a submissive. you have been given the opportunity to improve yourself and yet you fidget and wish to be out of your predicament….well , perhaps you shall be given the opportunity if you can endure the alternative”

Anna tried with every ounce of courage to speak up…and finally after a moment’s uncertainty, asked ‘what’s the alternative?’

The judge replied ‘you will be taken outside, in front of everyone, and stripped. You will be bound such that your arms will be stretched above you and your legs spread. You will then be furnished with weighted clamps on your nipples and on your labia, which will also have bells on them which we shall hear ring should you move and try and avoid your punishment. You will then be caned 36 times. No warm up, nothing, you will endure it all. If you scream or protest, or if the bells ring too much you will wake up in reality and so shall your Mistress who will then deal with you I’m sure’.

Anna giggled nervously ‘but you can’t feel pain in dreams, it doesnt matter anyway’

‘how sure are you? ‘ he replied. ‘why don’t we find out? if you’re so sure that you can endure this ordeal without feeling pain and waking up then what have you to be afraid of?’

Anna tried to feel courage, and yet for some reason she knew that she was in hot water what ever way she looked at it. Her body was going to suffer whether it be consciously with her mistress or in the depths of her subconscious here. But then, it was her dream so it was her fantasy…wasn’t it??

Anna let them lead her into the courtyard without a struggle, and tried to hide her embarrassment as the cotton dress was cut from her shoulders and endeavoured not to wince as the weighted clamps with their silver bells were applied compressing her nipples and stretching her labia. Despite the torture, she felt aroused, and felt slightly empowered that she had managed to endure the ordeal this far despite the prying eyes of the crowd, the women in the crowd clearly demonstrating their disgust for the dirty slave girl.

The man who had been her judge was now also to deliver the punishment, she felt for a moment a look of compassion in those grey eyes of his,but mixed with a sadistic sparkle.

He showed her the cane. Dark dragonwood, thick, heavy, unrelenting. It would be severe. He walked behind her and applied the first stroke. Anna felt her legs feel as though they wanted to buckle from her under her from the pain applied to her rear like a line of fire. The weights on the clamps swinging slightly in the breeze. Yet, somehow she managed to stand firm. She managed to stay like that as he applied each stroke. Each one getting harder, each one finding a new area of flesh to pinken. From her bottom right down her thighs, the front of her legs, her breasts, and for the last, had an assistant hold each leg in turn upwards so that he could cane the soles of her feet. The marks were spread out all over her body any part that could be caned had been, and harshly. Yet she had endured that. Despite it being a dream her body raged with the heat of the marks, her labia and nipples aching and in fear of the moment when the clamps would be released allowing the blood to rush back into her body.

It was that moment. Her tormentor came and stood in front of her, taking his hand to her wet cunt and teasing it before taking the labia clamps off, teasing her for what seemed like an eternity, fingering her, and during this moment, Anna felt the most humiliated yet. She had taken the torture and taken the punishment yet this moment of intimacy and cruel invasion in front of everyone just was beginning to be a little too much. He then moved his hands up and toyed with the clamps on her nipples, allowing them to tug and, then  he took her completely by surprise and kissed her most passionately on the lips as he released the clamps at the moment of drawing his mouth away….and turning towards her ear he whispered something…what was it ….it sounded like…’MY…slave’

Anna let out the most almighty scream as the blood rushed back to her body, and found her self back in bed, back in her sleepsack……..and her mistress was awake……

to be continued…

A brainwashing session

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This girl had mentioned in the last post about Grimly’s dentist chair and its various attachments. Recently, Grimly tried out *most* of them on her! Most chair sessions start with getting dressed up appropriately, sometimes the easiest way to be … Continue reading →

Master Mind

This gallery contains 4 photos.

This girl once had someone ask – ‘so what makes him a deviously dominant madman?’….the next few posts are going to share the answer to that by sharing a few details of some of his most advanced creations…. Grimly’s signature … Continue reading →

Flying

This gallery contains 3 photos.

This girl still struggles with that whole sub space thing. It’s a bit hit and miss. Over involved bondage can sometimes be the very thing that does it , tipping her right over the edge, or other times the same … Continue reading →

Inception

This girl went to see the Leonardo di Caprio movie, Inception, yesterday. It was pretty good! The movie is centered on the idea of what if we could see each other’s dreams, take away ideas away from those dreams, or even, implant things into them – “We create the world of the dream. We bring the subject into that dream and they fill it with their secrets”

Seeing the film made this girl think about her dreams and imagination.

This girl’s first thoughts of bdsm were in dreams.  There had not been anyone to implant those dreams in her mind. Not directly anyway. This girl doesn’t know that much about dreams really but those ideas that appear in them have to have come from someone or mean something. Whether it’s an idea from a movie, or from a book, or just from some small thing that has inspired the imagination in the subconscious. But of course there are also dreams that are just complete nonsense and insanity that come out of the air from nowhere! This girl has long since given up trying to interpret dreams since most of hers are just strange!

When this girl had dreams that had a sort of an element of the sort of content that can now be linked to her fantasies she was always interrogated or tortured or imprisoned by faceless men. She could never really truly feel the pain they inflicted, she could only imagine on a cerebral level what it would be like. Her mind could imagine a dungeon, or a clinic or any of the bizarre devices, but imaging the face of the man was not something her head was ready for. It’s as though she could paint something in her head so vivid that it felt real, that it turned her on so much that she would wake up aroused, yet if she had imagined a face it would have made it so much more threatening, more dangerous, and so much more possible.

Since growing up, and discovering *this* side of herself this girl doesn’t have dreams quite the same as those. The people are no longer faceless. Quite often if she has a dream that involves any sort of physical torment she pictures one man in particular, or sometimes other people that she now knows are real and capable of the things that in the past she had only imagined. She has less of those dreams too, at least at night. Mostly if she has those thoughts its day-dreaming thinking about wonderful things that could become possible instead of fantastical crazy things that are impossible and out of reach. Though, of course it’s still good to try and imagine the totally insane and bizarre and hope that someday certain things that might seem unlikely might actually occur….other things of course should just stay safely in the depths of fantasy!

One of the good things about being with Grimly for this girl is having someone to share her dreams with, and someone who can be the architect behind making them come to life. She can describe something to him, something that she couldn’t describe coherently to anyone else and that she certainly couldn’t draw out, but he knows exactly what she means by it, and can then make it into something tangible.

This girl used to be a lot more afraid of Grimly catching hold of her dreams and fantasies than she is now. She used to be concerned that letting him that far into her head would be dangerous, that he would be able to use her fantasies to twist her into something else entirely. Maybe he has in some parts, but this girl is who she always was, he has just enabled some of those parts that she was keeping secret to be more alive.

This girl is a lot more confident now than she once was in part because of that, because she is more confident in who she is, so mostly is happy to tell him any dreams that she’s had, or ideas that have come to mind quite freely.  Though, when she is actually asleep and unable to censor any thoughts its another matter.

This girl has always been a sleep walker, and a sleep talker. When she tells someone, whether it be Grimly, or a friend, or work colleague, of a dream she can choose what parts of it to tell them. She can edit it for the audience. When she is asleep she has no control over what her voice and body does. Not really. She has been known to say all sorts of things in her sleep. Luckily, she isn’t aware of ever telling any deep twisted secrets to anyone other than him. But really he is the only one that could do anything dangerous with any information he might get from her defenceless mind.

Not very often, but sometimes this girl has woken up to see him watching her sleep. Her eyes will try and stay open to be awake with him and she’ll fail.  Sometimes she’ll recall what she was dreaming about and wonder how much  of it he could hear. How much of it she might have been muttering. How much of it is dangerous.

But it’s all academic since the man she loves wouldn’t ever use any information from her mind against her when he can implant information of his own quite easily by just strapping her down into his chair and brainwashing her. Right???

Though this girl does fantasise a bit about something happening like in the film , where dreams and sleep are blurred into reality . Where instead of waking up to reality, you wake up to the dream. This girl would love to be asleep so soundly that he could tie her up and start torturing her body without her noticing. How that would be possible, without some sort of medication or being awake a long time the day before this girl isn’t sure. (Sleep deprivation is a whole other fantasy) But for her it would be amazing to wake up as though in her fantasy, bound, tortured, vulnerable….to then maybe wake up long enough to realise that it might be real, to feel the pain, the orgasm  and exquisite sensations being inflicted just for a few minutes and then to fall asleep again…to then, wake up in bed the next morning with just maybe a few after shocks and marks to prove it had happened.

So who’s putting what idea in who’s head?

Well anyway, that’s bed time….sweet dreams